Very hardend heart

[Bob723]

In your previous posts Mr Bond ask about your traits. You gave a soft answer. Take a lot at what Bob is doing right now. Specific traits, and specific methods for improving said traits.

Do you want to be her friend? I take it that is a No. So what do you think you should be doing?

Hello deepend,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in your thread for a while.

I found my post Mahhhty is referring to. Here's the part about my traits and how I am working to better myself on each one. I hope you find it helpful.

Smothering: Since my W mentioned this, I have been trying to understand how I came across as somethering to her. Probably the worst thing I did was to expect her to behave in ways I wanted her to behave. For example, since she has MS and was in a terrible car wreck (July 2013), many times, if she wanted to use our car, I would ask her if she was sure she felt up to it. There where times where, quite frankly, she looked like she was going to drop dead. I was hurt when she would say something like, "Of course I'm ok or I wouldn't br thinking of going out." I expected her to say something like this: "That is so sweet that you are concerned about my safety, but I'll be fine." So, I've learned how smothering acting like that can be. If the tables were turned, after time, I would be annoyed, too.

Needy: I'm going to therapy since my W left and have learned that happiness comes from within - I have truly embraced that concept. Obviously, I want our M to work out, but it's because I want my W not need her.

When she tried to share her heart with me, occasionally I would respond defensively, in silence or in anger: I am still working on this with my therapist. If my W and I are in contact and it seems like she's testing me by trying to lure me into an argument, I do my best to not respond defensively or in anger.

I became increasingly critical of her: This one is hard to admit and is complicated. It usually had to do her not following through with something she said she would do that day for sure. Why the criticism? Because, increasingly, it seemed to me she would do whatever she wanted while I was working my tail off for us (50+ hrs/week) and then she would say, "Sorry, I got too tired." With the MS limiting her, I have now learned that it was important that she be able to do things she enjoyed while she felt up to it, because 10 minutes later, she might be exhausted. This I regret the most and now know how destructive it is to any R. Odd, I don't seem to criticize my 3 children or anyone else. I just started getting like that with my W recently.

Due to stress, I became self-absorbed: I felt I was always putting my W's needs and feelings before mine, which made me resentful. Looking back (again) I would give just about anything to care for her again -- as long as I wasn't being "smothering." I know what I did wrong on this one. So, during our separation, I have been trying to show I care for her. As most of you know, that is not easy when you are being rejected.

Made more and more decisions for her (speaks to her point about smothering her): I think I addressed this above when I discussed my smothering tendencies. I'm still working on this one with my therapist.

I broke promises (one in particular - to not bring up an issue from 2009 when she walked out on me/did not file for D that time): I took pride in keeping my word to others. But as we seemed to drift apart in mid-2014, I brought up the past, which I promised my wife I would not do. I told her I forgave her for that incident, it was my fault. I've learned that true forgiveness means the debt has been paid in full. Now, I make promises I am 100% certain I can keep.

I would add low self-esteem to her list: I am working with my therpist on this the most. How can I expect my W to love me if I don't love myself?

Keep working on yourself....you can do it.

Bob