Moving On - LisaB

[LisaB]

Hello dear friends, thought I'd give a little update.

I met up last week with WAH and it was interesting.

As he came into view at the meeting location my first thoughts were something along the lines of "wow, yuck, he looks 50 years old and terrible". (he's 30 for those who don't know my whole story)

We had a nice time together, everything went smoothly with lots of laughs and all was OK. There were a few things I was nervous about before meeting up, I get the idea that he is still dating a lot (whether one or more people I don't know) and I was concerned he would drop hints or try to talk about it and the subject makes my blood boil. But we managed to avoid that topic.

Interestingly enough, I really do not feel I want him back at all. I am not attracted to him physically and I find him immature and repulsive at this stage. I wonder if he has drastically changed or I am just seeing him in a new way. But we get along fine actually and I feel friendly toward him, other than my complete and irrational anger when it comes to other women.

So all in all it went well, but after I went home I felt pretty awful! Very unsteady and emotional. Not crying or anything like that, just something like dissatisfaction or depression. A low feeling but not for any reason I could put my finger on. Uneasy.

A few days later I happened upon a photo that a mutual friend posted online. Long story short, I realized the photo included a girl he has been dating for about 6 months. Against my better judgement, I did a little stalking and found out a bit about her. My reaction interested me.

I sense that she is a good person, a nice person, a simple person. Like him, from a small town. Like him, not exactly ugly but not exactly attractive either. Basically a 5-6 out of 10. A little nerdy. My first reaction was "oh, they are a good match. They are very alike."

I felt relief. I know some of the other girls he has been seeing, and they are interesting, cool and glamorous. And I knew he was dating this particular girl but I didn't know anything about what she was like. I imagined the worst. Not only beautiful, but also funny, smart and cool. Of course, why else would he choose her over me? She must be amazing!

Finally putting a face to the name actually made me feel a lot better. She is not as exciting as I imagined. I'm sure she's a very nice person but she's not an improvement on me as far as I can tell. It's very shallow and silly but it made me feel better. And then it made me confused.

Well, as I said above, if she isn't better than me, why is he choosing her over me?
But maybe he isn't choosing her instead. Maybe he is just not choosing me! How can that be?

A little discomfort set in again. But overall, I feel better knowing that the reality of her is not as exciting as my imagination of her. I know there are other girls too, and that he is not really that into this woman even though he has been seeing her for 6 months. (he actually told me this) I think she is the "best" option he has now and he'd rather be with her than alone. Pathetic.

All in all, I am realizing that I am pretty much over him but the fact that he left me for another woman (OW1) has made me extra sensitive and insecure about this topic. Still some healing to do. I think a new relationship of my own will probably be the thing that helps me completely let go. But I am not ready for that yet.

I share these steps of my journey in hopes it helps someone else who is struggling along the path. I hope all of you are doing really well.

Hugs, LisaB