Lost & confused

[Clairee]

Having a good day so far. Thanks for checking up on me! Lots of running around to do later then meeting with my sister from another mister for dinner & drinks. H emailed me yesterday out of nowhere. It had to be the most real thing he's ever said. This is jpart of it...

I talk to other women hoping that the conversations will help
to take my mind off of the [censored] that is going on. Almost every single
thing I have done since November has been an attempt to take my mind off
of things. An attempt to fill the hole in the center of me that your
absence leaves.

Also understand that, in the past, I have blamed you for my behavior. You
didn¹t pay attention to me so it was OK if I was talking to someone else.
How could you really get mad, when the only reason I¹m doing it is to make
up for what you aren¹t giving me? I never thought you would actually
leave, cause it was really your fault all along. I didn¹t feel guilty
because, again, it was your fault.

The reality is very different. Yes, there have been times that you have
not treated me as well as you should have. That does NOT justify anything
I have done. I simply used you as my excuse so that I didn¹t realize how
ugly I have become inside. I have begun to understand just how wrong I have been.

There was a lot more. About 5 pages worth. H has never NEVER talked about his feelings. I didn't even know how to respond. I texted' him to tell him I got it & thanked him for it & appreciated him being so real & honest & that it gave me so much to think about. I suggested he share it with his IC. I didn't know what else to say. He called this morning to talk the bike & his plans for the day. Very light conversation. I'm being cautiously optimistic. I have a long way to go. I get the concept of forgiving, it's the execution that's elusive.

In the meantime, I'm GAL, focusing on what I can change in me, focusing on what I want my future to be with a new career & new possibilities. I am working to regain my own value & worth. And I'm hoping he means everything & it isn't just words/cheaper to keep her games. Time will tell I suppose.

How are you UC? Hope your week/weekend is good.