Venting a little bit.. I have decided to try and keep my feelings in check until next weekend. My hope is that he'll get in touch (when I don't) and try to set up our "talk" or preferably just to check how I am doing.
But anyway, I hope that we can schedule the talk to next Saturday. I will keep my head down and hope that he notices. On Saturday I'm going to run a 10 K race and it's in his town were he lives. So if all goes well, we could meet up afterwards. I will have loads of happy feelings, as I more or less always have after a run, and I hope that will lead to me being able to handle our talk in a better way.
I have decided to let him talk, just show that I can listen and maybe ask some questions and get a better picture of what he feels and why. If he is decided on that he wants us to part ways, I'm not gonna plead or beg. I'm gonna tell him that it's not what I had hoped but I understand him and that I love him enough to let him go, if he's decided that that is really what he wants. I will let him know, in a loving way, that I will go on with my life and if he ever feels that his choice could have been a mistake I hope that he will let me know and give us the chance to meet and see if there is anything still there.
Any thoughts on this?
It's gonna be hard and I'm going to write down some stuff, but I will have a good think about it first.
Would greatly appreciate any thoughts on dues/don't..
All my best!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
I'm gonna tell him that it's not what I had hoped but I understand him and that I love him enough to let him go, if he's decided that that is really what he wants. I will let him know, in a loving way, that I will go on with my life and if he ever feels that his choice could have been a mistake I hope that he will let me know and give us the chance to meet and see if there is anything still there.
Any thoughts on this?
I'm sorry to say it this way, but here's a good guideline-
DO: Validate his feelings DON'T: Share your feelings
"I love you enough to let you go" is saying "I love you". Don't. It will be seen as manipulative, controlling, guilting, clinging.
"If you've decided this is what you really want" is pleading, dismissing. He's told you with both his words and actions. You say you are listening...but then you act as if he hasn't made it clear.
"If he ever feels his choice is a mistake" is again pleading and dismissing for the same reasons as above. It's you not accepting what he's telling you, and not listening to him. Furthermore, the promise to stand by and be a good plan B only devalues you and enables his lack of commitment.
Look- I know you want to express your feelings. I can't say it any more clearly- DON'T DO IT. ***Trying to share your feelings with him right now will only further demonstrate to him that you don't care how he really feels***. It's funny because even saying "I love you so much I will respect your wishes even though they're not mine" isn't actually respecting his wishes...what would respect his wishes is if you STFU, nodded, validated, and let him go on his way.
Reminder, I say all of this dripping with goodwill.
So that's my guideline for Don'ts. For Do's, see the 'validation checklist'.
How do you get there? Practice ahead of time. Also, make it a mission to be a fact finder. You are there as a news reporter to get the story. You are a private detective. You are a spy. Whatever. You are there to not reveal your secret identity, but to get as much information as possible. The impression he should walk away with is "Wow, she really understood what I was saying. I didn't feel dismissed or controlled. I wonder if she is happy I'm leaving. I wonder if I changed my mind what she would say? Hmmm...she's a good woman and I don't know if she'll be there for me if I change my mind...if deep down I feel I'm making a mistake I better figure it out quick!"...........vs "Of course she still doesn't hear me, she never did during our M, why would this be any different. I didn't expect it to be, I just felt based on what we went through I'd try to explain it to her and be a man about it, but boy am I glad I'll be free from her dismissive and controlling behavior! Time to go check my tinder account!"
Hope this helps. Post often this week for sure and take care of yourself tomorrow.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues' advice is excellent! Zues gave you some great tips and reminded me of things I mess up on sometimes.
I wish you well.
Please let us know how things go.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Yes Bob is right Mr Z has given you amazing advice. BTW Bob, you have been sharing your love around today, what a sweet Gem you are! I like your styles!!!
Back to you Tulo, pull all those emotions into check over the next few days, Just Breathe and vent here when you need to. I'll happily be one the end of some practice validation if that will help.
You have a great group of people following you and your sitch and we all want you to be amazing and to have a happy ending, whatever that will be.
Remember this is a marathon not spirit! I know you got this!
Thank you sooo much for your reply.. You see, I thought I would have showed him that I had listened by saying that stuff, but when you say what you say I can totally see that you are right! So thank you for pointing it out for me!
I will practice and I think the hardest part for me, correction I KNOW, the hardest thing for me is the STFU! He has said that he feels like he hasn't got the right to feel what he's feeling, that I'm trying to persuade him. Feel pretty bad about this and even thought to send a text just saying "I'm really very sorry for making you feel like your not entitled to your feelings. You have every right and just wanted to say sorry! " But I haven't yet.. It doesn't seem to be the DB ways. Do you think that would be a dumb thing to do? Sh
I have planned to wait for him to contact me. And I hope he will before middle of the week, so we can decide on next weekend. If he doesn't, should I since I was the one who said no to meeting this weekend? Is that ball now in my corner you think?
I had a more or less meltdown yesterday due to what my niece said and I almost called him then to have out "talk" over and done with. Glad I didn't but as you all know this waiting game is hard!
Finally my new DB book will arrive tomorrow, I happened to give my first copy to a book charity by mistake, and I hope to get through his upcoming week with the help of the book and all you wonderful ppl who take time out of your lives to help me! Very much appreciated!
One final silly question. Yesterday it was a week ago since we meet and more than two weeks since we made love. Do you think that it takes two weeks without even seeing each other is to long and that what ever little feeling is left can go away just because of that? I know that DB says that time is a friend, and I try to feel like it is, but boy oh boy that is HARD!
My mum's nickname for me has always been tulo-want-it-right-now that in Swedish is a quite short and sweet but doesn't translate as good into English but you get the point..
Thanks again Bob, I will read your tread and I send you all the best!
PS, (Written to you from bed, it's early morning here in Sweden and outside the sun is warming up for a lovely spring day and I hear lots of birds chirping away..:) )
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Oh, there you are sweet Jelly Bean! (I want to start off with saying that I bought a truckload of red ones yesterday and they were so jummy, as always! )
You are so right, I have got some splendid advice from great people, including you, and I feel blessed to have that help. I come here when ever I feel it's overwhelming me and it's so wonderful to be able to do that! Thank you all!!
I try to keep your words in my head all the time, it's not a sprint.. I'm just so scared that he doesn't even think of me when I'm out of sight. That thought freaks me out, and I really have to check myself to not spiral out of control. Also when words "Don't believe anything of what he says" is a help to me.
Yesterday it was a week since we've meet and it hurts to think it will be a lot longer than that. But I try to think that this could give him a chance to miss me.. I pray for that and feel silly to ask God for this when he has so many more important things to deal with. But that is what I do..
How are you doing, sweet bean?
Lots of hugs from me to you!! Thank you so much for all your help! Means the world to me!! <3
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Keep hanging onto the phrases and advice the mean something to you, they will keep you positive. I did the same in the initial months, I came here and read posts and it made me feel better, it made me feel connected to something bigger than myself. Its a global hug this place, our good will towards each other, the love here, I believe it heals, us, others, the planet, it heals human suffering, and I am happy to be part of something so good and true.
Whoops, maybe that was a little OTT, but true nonetheless!
And my view of God/High Power, nothing is too small, no request for assistance is too trivial for the power of the universal soul. Ask away, if you don't ask you don't get, and that is written in hundred different places, in a hundred different spiritual and universal practices. (maybe I exaggerate maybe not a hundred) but you get my gist!! LOL
As for me Tulo, for the first time in a very long time, I'm ok, I'm good in fact more than good. I feel blessed for the first time in a long time.
That pleases me no end JellyB! Upwards and onwards!
Do you have any thoughts on my time question to Bob? I try to think that me leaving him alone gives home time to miss/think of me but OMG it's a scary business!
I fess up to the fact that I've been checking up his friends on fb and kind of freaking out even though I don't think this has got to do with OW or anything like that. Simply got to stop that nonsense..
How's the walk/running going?
Big big hugs to you from me!! <3
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
I am about to be the pot calling the kettle black.
Take a breath and calm you thoughts and your emotions. Because right now they are running you, and that is when mistakes get made.
You need to minimise anything that is going to trigger thoughts and feelings about him. Get off the facebook stalking to start. You are abusing yourself.
Punch yourself in the face right now! Go on do it! Now do it again! And again!
Two things about that suggestion, 1. your brain goes that is a ridiculous thing to do, why would I do that, someone telling me to hurt myself 2. your right it is ridiculous thing to do why would you do something that hurts.
Stop abusing yourself. The other thing is seeing his facebook page, hearing his voice, seeing his picture sends messages to your brain about how much you miss him and need and don't want to lose him! Wrong thoughts right now. Your sending all the stress chemicals around your body, making yourself anxious.
The other thing get out of his head. Its none of your business. Get back in your own business, which is about keeping you cool, calm and collected and making you the best YOU, you can be, someone only a fool would leave.
You know when you first start learning to run, and everything hurts and it feels like an effort to get to the first 1km and then 2 km, and then the more you do what you need to, the easier it gets. This is you running your first 1km and you are breathless and panting and just wanting to get it over. If you want to run the marathon, you have to keep yourself together enough to run the 1km.
Short term pain, long term gain. NO CONTACT! DETACH!
All that is said with all my love (and with a lot of regret for not taking this advice myself)
XXJB
Just a doing weights at gym at the moment. Im on a strict liquid diet at the moment for some surgery at the end of the week, so not enough calories for any too intense.
That pleases me no end JellyB! Upwards and onwards!
Do you have any thoughts on my time question to Bob? I try to think that me leaving him alone gives home time to miss/think of me but OMG it's a scary business!
I fess up to the fact that I've been checking up his friends on fb and kind of freaking out even though I don't think this has got to do with OW or anything like that. Simply got to stop that nonsense..
How's the walk/running going?
Big big hugs to you from me!! <3
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
