Focused on Me and My Son 2

[Sherman333]

I did setup an online calendar showing when school is out, our parenting weekends, and summer care schedule.

The STBXW agreed to it fundamentally. It shows that S7 is still in my home during this time. This will help with the BD as it has me as having primary custody.

[Vanilla]

Sherman, projecting support to you today. There is an S7 shaped hole.

WW isn't being mean in taking stuff just greedy.

V

[Sherman333]

This last weekend was STBXW's first weekend to have S7 stay at her new apartment. She dropped him off at 6 p.m. on Sunday. I arranged to be outside talking with neighbors to avoid any issues (I had a sense that this would be a possibility based on her texts earlier in the day, which are attached).

S7 reported that STBXW's OM spent a lot of time over at STBXW's apartment and that S7 went to OM's house as well. That OM had his son with him. S7 played on the Xbox most of the day with OM’s son, while OM and STBXW were busy with other things. They did tell S7 that they're "just friends" and he stated that they told him this a lot. Sometime during the visit, OM, OM’s son, and S7 started wrestling/rough-housing. S7 has new abrasions on his back as of this morning (see attached picture). S7 also stated that Steve was giving him piggy-back rides. One question I have is whether it's acceptable to have this type of interaction so early?

In the attached texts, STBXW talking again about a 2nd therapist for S7. I canceled the benefits card that she was planning on using, which is in my name, last week as part of splitting finances, so she'll have to fund this herself. There will be a reaction this one.

I had S7 come to a company sponsored event "take your child to work day" last week on Thursday. He had make-up homework in his folder and STBXW stressed that she would not be helping him to do this work that it was my choice to have him out of school and I'd have to make-up the work on my time with him. That she won't do it.

She also sent a note complaining that his school lunch account has a negative balance. I wasn't aware that he there was delinquency as this was an item she usually covered and didn't mention to me that she was letting this go. There was a notice sent the week of 4/15/2015 that I didn't get and a second notice that was sent last week. She's complaining that since she has to cover the 1 household bill, that she won't be doing anything with the school lunches and added an insult at the end of the note calling me “money bags”. She’s been doing this a lot lately.

She's also complaining that S7 told her that I have a messy house. There is some clutter left over from when she moved out, but the house is clean. She's also putting emphasis about the bathroom on the 1st floor not being finished and S7 not liking using the basement shower. The shower in the master has a leak and needs to be redone, so the basement is the only functional shower at the moment. We do have a tub that works in the master. The lawyer told me to halt all home improvement projects until after the divorce as the house will need an appraisal. Finishing these will only add to value of the home and the STBXW views this as me screwing her. My answer is she should have thought about timing of her actions a little better.

I should add that when S7 returned from his visit with STBXW, we played outside for a bit. From there we had to take care of the homework that STBXW refused to assist him with as it was make-up work from 4/23/2015 - Take Your Child to Work Day. When he was doing the homework, his behavior was uncharacteristic. He kept getting frustrated easily. Getting off the chair and curling into a little ball on the floor every time he had any trouble with anything (8 times on 1 sheet alone). He was more defiant than usual when asked to do things and after we were done with homework he was a little withdrawn. He's normally a happy and upbeat.


I'm pretty annoyed about the whole wrestling & piggyback rides. How does everyone else handle it when the kids are exposed like this to the affair partners?

[raliced]

Sherman- there's a mountain of literature that advises against exposing the kids to new romantic interests too early. The problem is that you aren't going to win that argument with your STBXW. My STBX moved directly in with OW (after swearing up and down he wouldn't) and immediately exposed the girls to her. And she gives them massages. Not a thing I can do about it.

Divorce and Child Custody, much like real estate, is pretty local. You sound like you have a more conservative judge, from what you've previously written. For example you wrote that he took a dim view of cohabitation. This is unheard of in my area. So you never know - you can always run it by your lawyer and see if that makes any difference.

[Sherman333]

you can always run it by your lawyer and see if that makes any difference.

Email is already into the lawyer to get his take. If it's anything significant, I'll let everyone know.

BTW, I found out the no cohabitation rule was upheld by the state's supreme court. It only pertains to the STBX having kids overnight with the other person that is a romantic interest. Just an interesting tidbit.

Here's the exact language...

Overnight Cohabitation. Neither party shall exercise custody or parenting time with the minor child on an overnight basis when a member of the opposite sex or same sex is present with whom the party is romantically involved and not related to the child by blood or marriage.

[Sherman333]

So when S7 & I got home last night he was a little bummed (it was a grey overcast & cold day... we stayed inside). At one point he climbed into his bed and just started crying. I asked what was wrong and he told me he misses our foster son terribly. It teared me up. I told S7 that it's ok to be upset, sad, angry, etc.

He told me that he's not mad at me... he's mad at mom for what she's done. I didn't know quite what to say, so I repeated that it was ok for him to feel his emotions again. That's the best I could do.

I also had an opportunity to talk to S7's therapist today. She had an interesting observation about the STBXW. Her perception is that all this engagement with me, to cause issues, that the STBXW is doing is to maintain the control aspects of the relationship. That she's not fully divorced from me yet in her mind. That they see this a lot on their side of the business and that I just need to keep doing what I'm doing by NOT engaging. She'll eventually give up harassing me (so to speak) and move on.

[Sherman333]

Just journaling and don't have much going on. I saw STBXW last night when I picked up my son & gave her a piece of mail.

My son ran up and gave me a big hug/jumped into my arms. No regard for saying goodbye to her.

Her responses were clipped, woudn't even look me in the eye, took her mail and went back into her apartment. S7 and chatted on the way home about things and hung out last night for a bit.

She's picking him up again today, but has to drop him off by 8:00 p.m. I always get nervous when she has him... anticipating her doing something to disrupt things as I don't trust her.

I am keeping a record of the pick-up & drop off times, including notes on S7's behavior, anything of note, etc.

Best part is for the last couple of nights... I've been able to sleep. So I've been able to get up early and put in time on the elliptical for an hour (1000 calories). I haven't been as religious as I should on this.

When I get home, I'm also planning on maybe putting in time on the bike. We'll see how cold things are and what time I get home, as I have to stop at the store first for a few things.

[Sherman333]

Ok... really weird night last night with STBXW.

She forgot to pickup S7 from the afterschool program on her night!!!

I also got a lot of strange texts (slightly modified). I'm a bit baffled by. I haven't responded to them after a point. Any insight would be welcome.

• Sherman I got a call from M. You were supposed to pick him up tonight. As I'm getting him early tomorrow for the appointment. Tuesday/Thursday visits start next week. You can check your texts. I have him. Let me know if you're still coming to get him tonight?
• STBXW Oh crap no I forgot
• STBXW I will come get him
• Sherman But back by 8. Ok
• STBXW How about if I just take him to appointment tomorrow then
• STBXW I will just get to work early
• STBXW I had blood drawn today and am still shaky
• STBXW Hello?
• Sherman Driving
• STBXW Yes or no?
• STBXW I will come get him if I need to tonight
• STBXW Every second counts so please let me know
• Sherman I have plans for tomorrow with him after the appointment. He's yawning right next now.
• STBXW I am coming then
• Sherman Will you have time to get his homework done?
• STBXW Will try
• STBXW I have an hour drive time
• Sherman I know
• STBXW Can't change plans? I am leaving now
• Sherman No
• STBXW On my way
• Sherman Ok
• STBXW Make sure he is ready to go
• Sherman Homework is done.
• Sherman I did it with him.
• STBXW Here (NOTE: The marital home)
• STBXW Is there room on healthcare spending card? On my Friday weekends I am having him see therapist of my choosing from a healing place in town. So he only needs to see your therapist on your weeks.
• Sherman No
• STBXW I will have to use it till it is no more
• STBXW How much is left?
• STBXW Is the therapits testifying in court for you? Why her? Why where she's at... it's inconvienent? (NOTE: The therapist is the same city where the divorce will happen)
• STBXW Over a thousand left on healthcare spending card. Why are you lying to me? (NOTE: Don't know where she got that from, I canceled our cards and am waiting on new ones)
• STBXW So is she just for therapy or is there an ulterior motive on your part? This makes a difference on how I proceed? Answer me honestly.
• STBXW Just keep S7 with your therapist. I don't care anymore. We will know each other for the rest of our lives. I won't forgive you for what you are doing. Ever.
• Sherman Just got home. From riding. The therapist is there for S7.
• STBXW I had no concerns till he told me she goes into town and talks with the judge. Then he recanted. I just asked him if he liked her and what does a therapist do
• STBXW I know you are being strategic but you aren't being fair
• STBXW Whatever
• STBXW You win Sherman
• Sherman This is not my definition of winning.
• Sherman None of this is.
• STBXW Tuesday's and Thursday's and every other weekend. You take him to the therapist you plan on testifying against me. Whatever. We have nothing else to talk about till September. Except...
• STBXW I want the holidays switched to what is my version of agreement. I do not agree to having it as it is now.
• STBXW Please confirm and then I don't have to talk with you anymore
• STBXW You aren't trying to share our son and it is very clear. (NOTE: she gets the same number of evenings as I do, but I still have him overnight.)
• STBXW Please look at dates so we can have planned out
• STBXW I am taking him later half of Christmas break so I want New Year's Day etc
• STBXW It benefits you too
• STBXW Memorial Day
• STBXW Next Easter spring break
• STBXW I am okay with making exception for July 4 and Halloween if he wants to have them at your house
• STBXW I am asking for agreement on this but just know I will have my way on this. Your way is not the default
• STBXW I am being reasonable
• STBXW He is excited about going to Disney with Nephew, SIL, BIL and you. You managed to turn my family against me with your version of things. There are two sides. Shame on you for that
• STBXW So yeah you win Sherman
• STBXW There will come a day Sherman that you will feel bad for what you are doing and will want my forgiveness. I will never forgive you.
• STBXW And that I am bipolar? I have said NOTHING about you but yet you lie about me and spread rumors. Tell people I left you for OM when I didn't. I realize I was attracted to other people and not you and I want other things out of life. Stop saying the wrong reason. But see, I can't make you stop. So yeah, you win Sherman.
• STBXW Don't tell me you aren't winning. You are trying to destroy me. This isn't about divorce or sharing S7. You are trying to destroy me. Good job
• STBXW Your days for holidays don't coincide well with our first and second halves of Christmas break. I propose swapping my July 4th for your New Year's Day so I can take him to Disney
• STBXW Putting in calendar now

As for turning her family against her... I didn't do that. They already didn't like her much. This just convinced them that they're done. The only reason they had made contact with her was S7 and his cousin. Otherwise, they would have never bothered to engage STBXW according to them. She's just playing victim and blaming a lot of her troubles on me.

I didn't agree to any of the changes to the calendar yet. I figure its not worth arguing until the divorce is final and the days are set for sure.

I did make it out to ride my bike... got in ~10 miles before she brought S7 back.

[Sherman333]

Let me add one thing. I'm absolutely NOT trying to destroy her. I made a few mistakes in this (documented earlier on my threads) and I'm continuing to pay for them. She's done a lot that has kept me off balance and not my usual self.

There is a plan to have things end up as best they can for my son. As she's encountered pieces of the plan, it's caused her to be very uncomfortable.

There's still a big piece of me that cares about this woman, even after all the things she's done.

So tonight, S7 is here and I'm having a bit of fear creep in where this is all concerned. Last couple of days I was more like my old self. Tonight though? Why the fears? I don't get it.

[Sherman333]

So today I'm taking S7 and my former foster son to see Age of Ultron! S7 only knows there's a surprise.