Back again, advice needed..

[Zues126]

The first two paragraphs are still hard for me. I don't believe M is something we should "try to salvage". It is a commitment we don't break. Even if he turns out to be someone you thought he wasn't. Even if you feel you could never respect or love him again. Only when you close the door to walking away do you give God the chance to allow you to sort through your need to judge his behavior or change who he is and find some content in the broken marriage you have.

My W could have written the exact same couple of paragraphs. And I think most W that get D do. That's one of the reasons I am scared about my next R. I feel like women reach this point in EVERY M, and most of them think this way and initiate a D. Again, I have trouble believing with a 50% divorce rate every one of those was self defense. I get angry when people use the phrase "I don't believe in divorce BUT" because then they talk about when it's ok to leave. And it's not fair for them to misrepresent their beliefs to people that in turn choose them for a life partner only to be let down because they didn't read the 22 pages of fine print detailing when it was ok to destroy a marriage and family.

I don't know. I have a lot more I could say about this, but it doesn't matter. The universe is how it is, our society views D the way it views D, all I can do to change it is cast my one vote.

OK. Sorry for the detour. I am doing well but obviously still working through some crap. In your case I see that repeated affairs could be a deal breaker. That is just so destructive, there is no pretense of commitment anymore. And as I've said before, I've never said I believe I'm right or suggested you need my permission. I just feel pretty strongly about this and you've been willing to talk about it so I appreciate you letting me share.

BACK TO TASK AT HAND.

I don't think putting off the conversation was a bad idea, if you use that time to prepare. I think you were hoping to just calm own and be light and breezy by then. Clearly not happening.

What's worked for many posters here is making a list of things you are prepared to say/do, and a list of things you WON'T give yourself permission to say/do.

When you have a concrete idea of what you will say, some rehearsed lines on how you will handle it if you are venturing into waters that take you a direction you have committed not to go...you're much more likely to do well.

Presidential candidates practice. If they need to, YOU need to.

I would write it out and post it on this forum, then rehearse daily for 15 minutes at the least.

So yes, if you use the time it is valuable.

As for the trust issue...Tulo, I'm sorry to say, there is no more reason to trust. In WAH's mind the commitment is already over. What is a marriage? It is a COMMITMENT to remaining devoted to each other. If he is no longer COMMITTED, there is no longer a M.

And, in his mind, if he's uncommitted and not M, he will ABSOLUTELY act in ways that would be inappropriate for a married man. He will because he is in pain and wants to feel better. In fact, it usually is the lure of the greener grass that lures people out of an M. People don't leave an M hoping there is green grass out there. People leave an M convinced their looking at greener grass, and theirs is dead. (Reminds me of the saying: "The grass is greener where you water it")

So whether it's an OW, alcohol, new sports car, being center of attention at parties and happy hours, etc...his heart has gone somewhere else. Try not to take it personal. An OW would be no different than taking up golf compulsively. Either way he's no longer committed and not caring for you. OW would be just a medication, again, no different than drinking too much.


So if I were you I'd practice for my 'talk' (hint- he should do 90-99% of the talking), then just keep posting and reading threads. There's no way to just stop being hurt, but it does help to know it's normal and not a permanent place to live.

Take care Tulo.