Reality is my middle name

[123Gwen]

One year ago today was BD. In many ways it seems like it just happened. The feeling in my gut when he said he was "in a dark place and needs some space" the way he said "it isn't about you, it is about me" .... I can remember what we were wearing, the sound of the television on upstairs. The exact places we were standing in our kitchen.

Now a year later and in so many ways my H no longer exists. I talked to my MIL and she said that to me. She commented that even his voice has changed. She thinks he is still running and he may never return. Ironic that her detachment may have helped set the stage for his choices but she is old and she is tired. It is what it is she says.

A year later and he does not have much of a relationship with his daughters.other than the "insert holiday here" texts there is no communication. As time goes on it is harder for them to feel connected. Youngest is angry and oldest is "disappointed in him as a human being" - they no longer consider him much of a parent. They think I am crazy for holding on to the memory of someone who has discarded us so casually. They were raised to demand respect and to give it to the people in their lives.

At BD I had no idea he was running towards another woman. I still trusted him and I remember how worried I was for his mental health. Looking back now I have to say I was so naive. I made so many mistakes because I was operating on a false set of assumptions. I had no idea what had happened. I had no idea that in so many ways it was too late to keep him from leaving.

I wish I had known what a MLC looks like. I knew he was stressed but now I realize it was so much more. Friends just don't understand that this type of separation is different than a traditional divorce. A mean none of it is easy but the way this went down without warning and cloaked in bizarre behavior.

A year since BD. Deep breathes. I can do this. I am doing this. For now that has to be good enough.