My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Pyrite]

My life is a roller-coaster. Every time it does a lap, the track morphs a little. It can stretch, flatten out and cover more ground, or it can spring back into the centre with wild peaks and troughs. ATM these are troughs of despair and unfortunately the peaks are mountains of guilt, not joy.

It was like the perfect storm. Everything coincided to crush me. It is very hard to relate the storms now to those past, without an objective measure. They do get further apart, and they seem to be less severe in general. This could be that I am just developing a tolerance as well, but the net result is that they feel less severe. Usually that is.

Occasionally the track morphs right back to day one’s shape. This happened to me this week. It feels perhaps worse when this happens because time has given me the edge in interpreting it all more effectively. For example I don’t just FEEL guilty, I know exactly why I feel guilty, and exactly why I should.

There is something written on the ground. They are instructions on how to slow and calm the rollercoaster, but I cant make them out. I moved to the back of the rollercoaster and can make out a little bit each lap around the track. I feel like I am at an impasse and I cant read anymore. I cant calm the roller coaster while I am in the car.

I have to jump. jump out. I will hit the ground, and it will probably hurt. But I think that is the only way I will be able to read the instructions and slow/ stop the rollercoaster. I have to jump. I have known this for a while now. I have moved as far to the back as I can, I am leaning as far out as I can, but i haven't “let go”. I think I am scared that I will never be able to get back in. But there is no “in”. The rollercoaster is out of control. Out of my control, And I cant do or enjoy anything from within the car anymore.

MAYBE, I will be able to get in the rollercoaster after it has slowed (which I have to do regardless). But I have to get to the ground so i can do anything. I have to jump. It is like the one last step, that in severing ties. And it might not even be as high as I think.

Its like I have been dreaming. I think I have jumped. I am on the ground. I am READING. But then I am woken up and I haven't jumped yet at all. This is poorly done, but my point is that I think I have “streched “ this as far as possible. The only way to get further is to cut her loose in one go. Maybe this will be like everything else so far, and afterwards I will look back on it as a blessing. Where I actually gained a richer appreciation for it, NOT lost it. But then I feel like I have jumped again.

Am I making any sense at all?

At any rate, I am not so shockingly overwhelmed as I have been lately. I am feeling better.