Please attach to your feelings, recognise them even the awkward ones about H. Depending on the categorisation there are six primary states or feelings, sadnesst, trust, joy, surprise, anger and fear. If you google Plutchek there are eight add contempt and anticipation. plutchek model shows that other emotions are a mix of these.
My own personal philosophy is to think of this as a giant DJ mixing table with sliders up and down and on/off switches for each glider. All of us have a natural preset. Lets take anger as an example, assume we are at peace, just waking from rest, all the switches are off. Suddenly we feel angry as a memory arises, all the switches are off and anger comes in. It switches on at the preset level.
If the preset for a certain emotion (the slider is almost full up) is high, we flood with the emotion. Wait two minutes and it will slide to a lower level. Then we can consciously slide our slider controls on raisethe level or lower it. We have no control over the preset., but we can manage the preset. This gives us a 'choice' in the level we feel of the emotion after the first two minutes. Some individuals have lower presets. They just may not feel at high levels bothositive or negative others of us have high presets with swings or moods. We learn as adults to manage these.
Joy and Trust together give us love for example. love is a result of having joy and trust.
For each emotion there is a result. The result of anticipation joy and trust in a particular measure result in lust or sexual desire. That is what we mean by control over these. In my view sex is neither a need nor a want but a result, an action. By adding anticipation to our mix we can increase the result. The desire. Some individuals require touch to trigger anticipation, so once they begin to relax and flow into sex the lust responses kick in. Hence the 'just do it' attitude. Once they start its ok but until that point sex is a chore or a requirement for their R.
I felt it was important for me to understand body chemistry and states. If I looked further then I discovered that the electronics in my mixer board had bio chemical components so with the switch comes a chemical reaction in my body. Some bio chemicals and hormones, (for example adrenalin perhaps triggers anger etc) are in certain standard combinations or presets and result in standard responses, flight, fight or freeze body reactions. we can not control these, some refer to these as limbic or lizard reactions. So something in the environment triggers the on/off presets resulting in body State (feelings) followed by reactions.
Your feelings are yours, please embrace them.
Detach from your spouses actions not your own feelings.
For those who struggle, who tell themselves, I have low desire then know that is likely a result of low anticipation. increase the thoughts of those aspects of sex that are enjoyed (even if this is pleasure of your spouse) this will increase the anticipation. Then just do it, the body needs sex, it keeps one young, puts a spring in the step.
I used to confuse that my H did not want sex with low desire. It wasn't or isn't low desire , my H is using sex or lack of it as control. H says 'no' then he feels he has the control and power. Now H wanted sex but V has said 'no way, not if you are cahasing POW'. I don't have low desire for sex, just no desire for H.
This is the way I understand., hope it helps you as a starter.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/02/1507:42 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
