[quote=Zues126]Yes, I would make the same thing again when it comes to that situation. The DB worked, but when he came back after leaving me and hooking up with an ex for months, and I saw that he just thought it was ok with more of the same I couldn't do it. The problem was that he had 2 kids that he simply wouldn't step up for, not emotionally or financially, but just put all that on me and even stopped paying mortgage for our house. I payed for more or less all of our expenses, food, clothes, car, house and he just sat in his studio playing his guitar hoping to be a rock star. No, he didn't make it, if you wondered..
He put it all on my shoulders, and even though he came back and swore he loved me, I just felt that either he wanted to be a part of our family, both emotionally and financially or he didn't. When he refused to change and be a father to his kids and at least an equal provider for our family, I said goodbye. I felt I needn't pay for a man any more. I would never have left if I had thought that he could care for anyone but himself. In the end I understood that not me, not the kids, nothing was important to him, but HIM!
I never got back to you on this. Now's as good a time as any.
My feelings have always been that getting D is as horrible as taking a life. It feels just as destructive, it's murder of a family. So for those reasons I have always believed that it should only be done in "self defense", and that the vast majority of D's aren't. "Emotional abuse" gets thrown around so much that I don't feel that's a good reason...I think every M has times when needs aren't being met, interactions bog down, and people treat each other poorly.
Even during times when there IS a serious problem (alcoholism, sex addiction, anger management, etc), I am a proponent for a separation, time to go through a "DB like" process to see if it can be put back together. That is being there "for worse", and I do believe in that. And, I think there's something to be said for the idea that no marriage is perfect, and there is more value in a committed mediocre marriage than a series of destroyed families trying to find the great partner you feel entitled too. I mean- who says we get to all have happy M's? I think that belief has lead to a lot of D's...whereas if we all committed to staying in bad M's, we might find ways of making them good eventually. This is a LIFELONG commitment, not a conditional fling.
Having said all that, I'll add a few things. One is that I struggled with abandonment issues, so I'm learning that I may feel too strongly "pro-M" because I can't handle being abandoned. Maybe there's something wrong with me that I would've stayed in my MISERABLE (did I mention no talking for a total of 3 years in the last 5?) marriage forever. I would have. But maybe that's not healthy? Which is better...splitting up families, or being miserably married? And if we hadn't split and you checked back in on us in 5 years, isn't it possible that would've evolved by then? I don't know. Point is I'm not saying I'm right here.
And the second point is that with adultery, that is a SERIOUS issue. It's not physical abuse, where you need to take your kids and run immediately...but it's probably right behind in terms of some of the most devastatingly destructive behavior ever. Could I forgive my partner if they strayed? I would think so. But if it would be a repeated experience, then I can see that being a deal breaker. Because adultery is such a betrayal that it undermines anything positive in the M. So even I, Mr. fear of abandonment super pro-M...even I sympathize with what you went through. And while I still think it might've been nice to DB for a couple of years and see if he changed at some point...I can understand why you made the choice you did.
I am glad you explained, because my general default is to not really want to get close with anyone that initiated a D. Loyalty is very important to me, so if I start dating again I'd be open to dating someone that was previously divorced, but not someone that initiated the divorce. That's too cut and dried already, as in my case I technically initiated the D, but only on paper after my STBX was separated, in multiple affairs, and abusing our M status to avoid facing the consequences of her decision. Point is, I've gone from being black and white on this to realizing there are times it is necessary to end a relationship. (But I still think it happens too frequently, too soon, and is FAR too popular).
On an interesting note if you haven't read this in my old threads yet (thanks for reading them, I don't know why but it means a lot), I've only had two women in my life. My first GF I was with for 5 years, we lived together...she ended up cheating on me, leaving me, then trying to get back together later after I was with my STBX. She ended up killing herself a few years ago. Then my STBX, eventually left me, cheated on me, then attempted suicide. WTH? I mean, sure I want a lot in an M, but I'd settle for having someone not cheat on me, leave me, or kill themselves!
But seriously, I've learned since then that although I can put up with a bad M and would, most people won't...so if I want a LASTING M I actually have to set the bar higher on what I'll accept. Not because I'M so picky, but because a bad M will fall apart so I need to make sure it's good. Plus I'll enjoy it more! I think this was a "Mr. Nice Guy" issue, I was afraid of asking for or looking for what I wanted, and was just hoping someone would put up with me. In fact, I'll admit that I never dated, that the only two women I was with pursued ME, and that I subconsciously "married down" to try to protect myself. I realize that is distasteful to say, but this is DB forums, who are we trying to fool here...
OK, that was a whole lot about me, but really it was about you because I'm sharing it with you, and really just wanting to kick around your last M. I'm glad you shared, I think that's why I've been so supportive of what you've done here.
I KNOW how hard it is, trust me, I know what it means to hurt. But if my ramblings help remind you that you're important and that people care about you, I am happy to ramble any time.
Hope you have a good day tomorrow, take care.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
