This Feels Like the Only Place I'm Understood...

[Zues126]

Truly this is the hardest point of your life. But if you continue to make correct choices eventually a magical thing will happen and you will feel differently in the future.

What stinks is that you won't feel differently today. In fact, that's why sobriety and DB is so tough. When you are in this much pain, all you want to do is ANYTHING to change the way you feel. And by being sober and responsible, you will feel TERRIBLE for a LONG TIME.

That stinks.

There is a parallel I want you to consider though...the WAS leaves because a M for similar reasons. They believe that the M could never be better, and the OM/OW is there to make them feel good right now. They think that's there only chance at happiness.

And you know what? In the short term they're right. In fact, if we were to base our decisions on what made us feel the best for the next 12-24 months, going for a rebound relationship would make a LOT of sense. I mean, even if you started piecing the first year or two would be hard, hard work. All the difficulties of the M would have to be dealt with, then SOMEDAY the positive feelings would bloom. Meanwhile with OM/OW it is the opposite. They get the chemical rush, the jitters, the romance, the arousal, all RIGHT NOW. And that will last 6-24 months. Then they will have to deal with the harsh reality, that they never learned to deal with their problems, that their life may be reduced to a series of 3-5 year relationships that end with betrayal and heartache because they weren't willing to do the work.

We want to scream at the WAS that "let's just grit it out, it will get better!"

Well, you're in the same spot. You also have a choice between alcohol, OW, and other medication...or the DB road. No, it isn't easy. Frankly it's just as tough as fixing your M would be. But it's necessary, or like the WAS that is doomed unless they change their outlook at some point and do the work, so you too would be doomed if you don't do the work on yourself.

My mantra has always been to act with the character you wish she had. So if you wish she had the character to deal with the hard reality, you must lead by example or you can't ask her to do the same. For the M to work BOTH parties will have to. But you can't make you doing your work conditional upon her doing hers. No. Lead by example. Maybe someday she'll be inspired and follow suit. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. But I can guarantee that if you don't, she won't, and not only is your M dead, but you have grim prospects as well.

And while DBing won't make you feel good immediately...you can take some solace and comfort in knowing that you took one step towards escaping the pain you've been in for too long.

Wishing you strength, and good job on another day. Praying for you.