I have a dear friend whose husband is very interested in politics. They aren't financially in a position where he can run himself at the moment but they both know it's a long-term goal of his and they have established specific steps to getting him to that point. She has anxieties about it too but they are close and they play to one another's strengths. She didn't "inspire" him to make those goals or to work towards them. He set them himself, discussed it with her extensively, and they can to some agreements about what she would and could contribute. It was very mutual.
Your H feels the lack in himself and is shifting it on to you because that's easier than solving that lack himself. Be awesome for yourself. That's pretty inspiring.
I think that the lack of any sort of discussion or planning was our problem. He'd want things. Id get anxious about it and ask questions to try and map out a plan of action to get us there. He took it as criticsm and discouragement. Nothing ever happened. We got so stuck. I guess fear is a common factor with me. And I am so afraid of change. That makes me clingy. That makes me an anchor. Not only to him, but to myself. I'm so afraid to move and I feel so alone. Being on my own is probably the best thing for me to overcome that fear.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
My goal is to enjoy my weekend and get my work done. Of course I had a restless night's sleep and woke up with anxiety. I am going to be out most of the day tomorrow because of my plans, which means everything needs to get done today. I am getting observed on Tuesday and I know that I don't have the class running the way she wants to see it. I am debating trying to make it work the way she wants, or just do what I have been doing and accept that it isn't her vision. It is just so hard to implement her vision when I have 5 other adults to communicate with, and no spare minute to do it. This was something she acknowledged when we met last week. There is no time to collaborate with my staff.
I am so done with this job. On top of it all, we are in a bitter contract negotiation. The board is really pushing legal limits to try and undermine the teachers' rights. As a result we are supposed to be honoring contract hours. When they said this I panicked. There is no way in hell I will be able to get things done if I can't come in earlier and stay later. Luckily my mentor spoke up about non-tenured teachers. There are 3 of us in the building, but I am apparently the only one with major issues with this--because of the nature of my class and the fact that this is a brand new program for the school. I am also the only first year teacher. The rep told me that I can continue doing what I need to do. That was a relief. Although if I was told otherwise that probably would have helped me make the decision to just give up.
Yesterday I stayed late to try and get as much prepped for next week as possible. D stayed at school with OW daughter and OW offered her a ride home. I decided to pick her up and bring her back to work with me. D said that she liked coming with me and wants to do it every day. That solves OW problem. I'll just leave work at my regular time, pick her up, and bring her back with me. No more need to involve OW. Maybe that will help with my anxiety. Before this job I always came home right around the time the kids let out. Now I can't do that and still be prepared for the next day. I think that is part of why this anxiety has gotten so out of control. H has his after school obligations and in the past he didn't really have to worry so much about getting the kids home because I was always there within 15 minutes of dismissal. They could walk, or I could pick them up if they stuck around a bit. S likes to stick around and do his hw with his friends in the library. D changes her mind, but hanging out with Ow's D has been her recent trend.
Now that it is falling on him, he is relying on people who have no business being involved. This, again, is lack of communication. Both of us are guilty of it. Right now I can't stand the sight of him, and I know any conversation will turn ugly. I am having a hard time controlling getting in some digs. I'm working on it, though. Haven't said a word to him all morning (it's only 8:30 God help me). But I think an established routine will help me stomach staying late to get work done without neglecting my family and without giving OW the chance to step in where she isn't wanted.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
1. You are a first year teacher 2. With a heavy work load 3. The most difficult kids to be with 4. Under resourced 5. Unclear of expectations 6. Working very hard to grow and learn in your job 7. With a new role, having to create as you go
Honey, that is such a tall order and as far as it goes I am very inspired by Msd and her achievements. Very, very impressed with you taking on the challenge to turn this around. Impressed with the way you have sought feedback and guidance. Impressed with the way you have not given up under the most difficult circumstances. Why is that? The measure of an achiever is not getting it right first time but working towards success in spite of all the obstacles.
I do not care for the attitude which transfers responsibility to another. Msd you have stepped up to the plate and worked like crazy to manage, move forward and get change.
Do you know how HUGE that is?
You have learned so much from this about Msd. I read it in your words.
Astonishing and Msd I am so so proud of you. I just shed a lovely warm tear of pleasure and delight. Brave beyond all.
I am waving my Msd banner.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you V. I appreciate the encouragement. I spent the day pretty much procrastinating, but having a nice girls day with my D. H then took both kids to his sister's because tomorrow apparently my plans ruined his plans. I am pretty certain he will not come home tonight, and I am relieved to have the house to myself. I have to get this work done now. No more excuses. I am dreading my outing tomorrow, but that is mostly because I still don't have my work done. If I can get it done then maybe I will enjoy myself. Although, I am agonizing about the week ahead.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I talked to my lawyer. I am so stuck right now. I can't leave, if I take the kids he could twist it, if I leave the kids he could twist it (and I don't want to do that). I can't resign from my position even though I was told that they wanted to give me a good recommendation and want to give me the opportunity to resign so I don't have to be let go. However, he could twist that and leave me screwed with child support. That means I need to survive to the end of the year, and every day that feels harder and harder to do. I don't know if it medication side effects or medication not kicked in yet, but I wake up in a panic every night, and I feel sick and lightheaded every morning. After lunch things start to settle, but the mornings are much more stressful at work.I want to take a mental health day, but there are some things coming up that I need to prepare for and I don't want to leave my assistants with the burden--even though I am certain they are bitching about me to other people. I know I am a poor manager--and their year is difficult due to the difficult class and poor leadership on my part. If I could I would quit today.
I hate the feeling of being stuck. Anything that I think would ease my stress is in a holding pattern right now. And I realize that going dark is no longer something I need to do as a DB technique but as a sanity technique. I am pretty sure his entire purpose is to make me feel as insecure as possible because he can twist it. I started going back to the alanon meetings. And I have IC today after work--but I don't feel like that is helping, I feel like she is feeding into my thoughts rather than trying to give me tools to change them.
How did he come to hate me so much? I guess the good news is that I absolutely know that I don't like or love him at all anymore. I just need to get a clear enough head to figure out what is best for my kids and me.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/29/1511:11 AM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Thank you for that. I'm trying. I changed the time of day that I'm taking the medication and I think it might be helping a little. After lunch I start to feel like myself again and right now I even feel slightly optimistic. I'm going to update my resume and start applying to different positions closer to where I will end up moving. Finding a job before this one is officially lost will be easier to do and it might lead to a job that plays more to my strengths.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/30/1510:43 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
