Thank you so much. Truly. Those posts meant a lot to me. I know you are right. I just know that. And, truthfully, one of my best reminders I have to keep things in perspective is to think that I didn't try to manipulate or go crazy to make him stay. One thing I learned, for sure, is that if he wants to stay, he will. That the last thing I want is for someone to be around who doesn't want to. Nor do I want to put effort into someone who isn't willing to do the same.
The part that makes me question, I guess, is that if I went a little too far, then those will be the reminders he has of me. You know, like it takes 100 atta boys to make up for one darn you. But, you remind me... I'm human. And if he doesn't appreciate the strength it took for me to dig deep and be there for him through the toughest time in my life... well then...
I have much more clarity and that helps a lot, yet I do have my BUT moments where I... regress???? They are becoming less.
It is becoming an interesting transition.... I have seen and felt a lot of growth in myself. Very different experience from what I thought it was 6 months ago.
I hung out with some friends after work today. I didn't notice for awhile that I was the only girl. We were at my bro's house... and for the first time in forever... I realized that I am refinding me. I know it's weird and I thought I would become a totally different person before xh, bc we were together since teens. I mean... it sounds weird. But I only had brothers, and I was a tomboy. I always had tons of guy friends. Some of my best friends were guys.
I just see them as "the guys" and thats it! But, I am also noticing that I am keeping my eye out around guys i don't know.... Soooooo different from what I'm used to. I've never looked at other people like that bc I was so into my h. But I keep my friends separate- totally separate from that. I just realize how honest and genuine I am when it comes to that. Being aournd "the guys" is like being with my brother. I hate girl drama... yet I love girls who have fun and aren't like that. Love being with the guys... it's my comfort zone... my "home" like being with my brothers... but, i am finding a way to be around men too. Well... maybe not finding my way... but looking forward to. I'm in NO rush. Not at all. But... I just pay attention now. A little. For the first time in my life! I'm not sure what to do with myself... well... nothing now. But to think about how I would be eventually...
I know I sound lame. It sounds so silly. I'm not shy or anything... it is just so out of the ordinary. And, before, even with everything in my sitch, I still felt... I don't know... devoted? Sounds weird, right? Well... it's just going to be an interesting journey, that's what I see.
Xh is flailing in the wind. I am so glad I am removing myself from that. It feels better than ever. He still continued to email s18's teacher today and cc me on some of it. I am not getting all PTSD about it. I did get a little... but so much better!!!!!
The thing is, s18 and i have addressed the issue at school. Before xh sent an email. But, he continues to do... whatever. Then he texted s18 and I. I didn't even open it. I still communicated w s18. He was still doing what we addressed.
As a friend said... it's his only connection. It makes sense. And I was told that xh was contacting coaches at the hs to get d14's schedule and didn't know which team she was playing for. The coaches thought it was a little odd and knew something was weird about the sitch. Xh was trying to get her schedule or something and didn't know which team... I don't even know...
I mean, he royally changed things when hww didn't allow him to communicate w me. And now that he tries... I just don't bother. I know it seems passive agressive or something, but really, he set it up this way. He went along with it. I am not just going to play the games anymore. If I'm not good enough when she says... well then...
It is not in a immature way. In fact, it's the opposite. Im just done with it. There is no point.
So... s18 finally responded to xh. He texted him to leave him alone. He does not help him in his life and that it's just annoying. And to stop texting me bc I don't want to hear from him either.
I was blown away. S18 texted him from school as thats when xh was blowing up his phone or something... and his teacher... welll.... I was like... leave me out of it!!! Yikes! But really, I just told him not to engage in an argument. Bc xh's response was like "you are a tough guy" huh? I mean... something is SO UP WITH THIS! I mean... his interactions w/ s18, I believe, says a lot! He plays the victim w/ him, then blows up and calls him a tough guy. That's been the ongoing thing for months. It is so weird! And he always compared himself to his dad and him in the r with s18 and him. And would always say.... how could he do that to me? I look at s18 and wonder how he could do that. I could never do that to s18. And yet... it's worse! And he has some serious projection going on!
Well... S18 responded something along the lines: I tell everyone I don't have a dad. You can tell people you don't have a son. Leave me alone.
Then blocked him.
I had no idea this stuff was going on in the meantime. But now I get a sick feeling that somehting is about to happen. Xh has lost control. He thought he regained it... but... nope.
I don't know what's to come. I just want it removed from my life. I feel so badly for my kids, but just keep it bout the positive. We have lots of great things in life. I just want to focus on those. I just am not sure.... I don't want them to be hurt.
