But I feel like you can have commitment and betrayal without paperwork, a ceremony, ring, etc.
Agreed, although I'm more cautious due to timing and readiness, not whether or not some paperwork has been filled out yet. But it's in the works. Actually mailing out a form today.
Whether or not paperwork was finished would depend on context. Am I ready? Eh I'm not 100% sure, but it's not like our papers were filed in the heat of the moment during her A and early stages of our S.
When you equate dating with being the same or equal to being married you are devaluing marriage. By definition the word "affair" can fit, but what your sister's friend did to her ex-boyfriend was not infidelity, not adultery and in no way compared even remotely to your wife cheating on you. When DATING a boyfriend or girlfriend, despite any promises to the contrary it is a well known and accepted risk that they can DATE other people. It isn't immoral. When married couples share their marital story and include the fact that "Bob was dating my best friend Mary at the time and we kind of clicked from the moment we met...and we starting dating within a week or two" nobody is shocked, surprised or indignant about the way the couple met and started dating. It's unfortunate for "Mary" but dating is brutal.....which is one reason people are attracted to marriage. Why get married if a promise not to cheat on your girlfriend/boyfriend is equal to a marital vow?
Similarly, when you reduce marriage to a piece of paper that you can void anytime you like in opposition to the marital vows you actually took...
"To love, honor and cherish until death do us part" "in sickness and in health" (waywardism is a sickness) "in good times and bad"
You diminish marriage and the commitment it represents as an institution.
I mean, couldn't your wife just say that your marriage was dead and you had had that emotional affair on her thereby, in her mind, terminating the marital contract and reducing it to nothing more than a "piece of paper"????
When your daughter eventually asks you about what honestly happened between you and mom how will you explain precisely that what "mom" did was very hurtful and disrespectful to you, that your prior EA doesn't justify what she ultimately did and your dating others before the divorce was actually completely different because HER FAMILY was just a piece of paper by that time??? Because you can't explain that...so, you just don't. You bury it and decide not to discuss it with her or by saying "Mom and Dad loved each other but we just didn't work and weren't meant to be together". Daughter then grows up viewing relationships and people as disposable. Marriage as pretend institution which nobody really takes to mean much of anything more than pretty dress up day and a "piece of paper". Kind of like a little more formal "dating" that you can walk away from when the moment suits you.
Your values become your destiny.
It's not like you live in Canada and have to wait over a year to even file the divorce. Your wife just filed the end of February. Two months ago. I know our perspectives clash (pretty easy for me to say this as a recovered husband) but had my situation a decade ago gone like yours I probably would have fallen for the same thing and dated too (I'm not better than you or preaching). However in the last ten years supporting persons in your position I've seen countless situations like yours turn around during the divorce process. When your wife's affair ends (and they always do) there's a good chance recovery can be attempted. Plus, about 6% of all divorced couples remarry some day. That's not likely to happen when you throw away your commitment/vows and reduce them to just a piece of paper.
I'm just a sucker for hope and when anyone takes this route it usually means the end of hope for your marriage. Why should she care about your marriage, respect you or reconsider you as an option when you seem to have moved on just fine discarding all notions that entity which was your union was truly special?
God is bigger than you, your wife, OM, me, Michele Weiner Davis...than everyone. He can do tremendous things for you if you put your faith in Him and His plan for your life. Putting your faith in the marriage he provided you and that you vowed to Him to uphold might be a good idea FOR YOU whether you recover or not. How big is your God?
I sympathize greatly with you and your predicament but yet, marriage matters.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
