Last week it got to the point where I just did not really want to associate with W. She would come over to watch S3 and do some homework, but then leave. I would be happy, enthusiactic, and content when we were around S3 together, but when we would be alone together, I would keep my words short or just leave the room all together to do something else, go out to GAL and such (soccer games, hang out with friends). We would make sure schedules were synchronized at least. The only real conversations were about our S.
W did start a new job, and it would just be me home for the evening and to put S3 to bed. I know this got to her.
Come last Friday. W comes home in the morning. I was going to leave to help MIL get some home improvement items, then go out for the day with a good friend and his father. W asks if I could do something for her while out. I just gave her a "really?" look. Conversation as follows: W: "Ok, fine then, I was just trying to be polite to you with all of this." Me: "These things do not end amicably when an A continues on. On top of that, I feel like for all of the support and protection I have provided to our S the last couple of years, he is now being taken from me 50% of the time and given to someone whom I absolutely despise." W (emotionally): "I can see that, you are a wonderful person, and I am very sorry for all of this." (pause), "but I love him." I turned and walked away saying: "I do not want to talk about that crap right now."
I went out to help MIL pick up some home improvement goods, then came back to get ready to go out with my friend. Approached W saying, "I am sorry for earlier, I was just being completely honest." She responded with, "I understand where you are coming from with this, it is OK."
I went out and had an awesome day with my friend. It was something I had not done before and it was great.
I came home in the evening. Contently spoke about my day with W with S around. W and I put S to bed. W approaches me to talk. She talked to me about our relationship, she said she had been doing a lot of thinking. Where she felt we went wrong in the past and how she felt she had been treating me horribly. She mentioned that we are a good fit for a couple, compatible, lots in common (previously it was we are incompatible and have TOO much in common, yeah). She mentioned that she in reality had nothing in common with OM, aside from recovery (she finally realized this). She said that she wants to work us out, be happy, go on vacation. She felt that having a job helps because she can feel like she actually provides for the family (this was a source of contention for her for a long time). When she was done, all I could say after a long pause, was "that was the most beautifully honest thing I have ever heard you say." And it truly was. W left, came back with all of her stuff.
A couple days later, MIL asked me about W, as W mentioned to her similar realizations, added that W mentioned that she was just "rebelling against what everyone was telling her." I confirmed W said the same things to me too. Still going to take time for both of us to have trust in her, if she is truly being truthful. I decided to read Sandi's list of insights into the mind of WW (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554) to MIL, telling her how eerily similar everything W was doing and saying was lining up with it. She just had this "holy ****" look on her face, agreed with everythig she had noticed too.
W has been a lot more open with me about everything recently, and seems content being around now. I know this is not a popular decision here, but I have honestly decided to not even check on her communications. Somewhat a waste of time to me as she can always just get around it, and it puts me in an anxious state, though I might decide to do a much less often check. I can tell if she is there by how she acts. Before, she did not want to do anything with me alone, only with S around. Sex was out of the question, because she felt like "we were brother and sister," acts of kindness were nearly non-existent, work around the house would never get done, did not want to talk to me about anything, especially how she was feeling. All of this has changed. Maybe it is a temporary ruse, but I will know in time. I would rather just concentrate on doing things for myself and if she wants to be a part of it, she can. Just do not want to waste my time being angry or anxious.
W spoke with one of her friends about what was going on. W told me her friend said something along the lines of "Wow, your H really is a wonderful person to still want to work something out with you." I like this friend.
W wants to get into MC again, stick with it, that is scheduled in a week and a half. I went to the last MC without W, used it as IC, decided to continue on with the IC anyway. Nice to talk to someone else about all of this. Have IC next week. W seems to be in a positive frame of mind for our relationship. Things seem better already, but still going to keep my guard up. I do have contacts with a couple of her AA friends now. They can help me out with this to put less on me.
