Card29 XI - Journey

[Card29]

I'm not saying we should be dating, just that it's an option. I'll agree that it can make R less likely, for obvious reasons.

I think the real issue here is that if you are not healed and whole from the first relationship and you have done some real serious research about what is wrong with YOURSELF, it is highly likely that you will repeat history with someone else.

I think getting divorced is one of the things you should do as a minimum before you are going to be able to complete this process.

I agree about D. We need to finalize it.

Maybe I need to revisit my 180 list. I have made a lot of changes and done a lot of soul searching, but that was mainly June-through-December. In 2015, I feel like I've sustained most of my changes, some of them even becoming so normal I don't even think about them. But in this year I've just been living and not spending enough time "working on me". Here are my personal turnarounds that I feel like I've sustained so far:

- NMMNG. Still some work to do, but I am much more honest and forthcoming in every arena of my life (work, love, social, parent). There is a line from NMMNG that has been burned in my brain since I read it, although I don't remember it verbatim. Something like: MNG's think they are great guys because they never lie. Nothing could be further from the truth. NMMNG are at their essence dishonest since they don't comminucate how they really feel, and morph their character and behavior to try to be what they think others expect of them.

- I am the most-released from porn that I've felt since I first saw it when I was 13 or 14. I had a bad few weeks in January or so, but I'd say 7 of the last 8 months have been porn free. Before that, going back to my teen years, I was doing well if I went a week without porn. A couple of nights ago I realized I hadn't even thought about porn in 3-4 weeks. Even during my "good stretches" before all of this, it was a list a mild challenge every 2-3 days to resist. I do think porn is wrong in general, but that's not why I am excited to eliminate it from my life. It killed my sense of intimacy, which I can feel is fully alive inside of me again.

- I always thought I was a good listener, but I realized that sometimes I formulate opinions/answers while the other person is still talking. Once I did that, I would ignore everything else they said and wait for my chance to talk. Now I wait until they finish and even try to leave a pause before I say anything, just so I have a chance to process everything they said.


I think some of my 180's can only be implemented in a R. Like sleeping in bed, not on the couch (although I'm trying to go to bed at a more "adult" hour, like 10-11, not 1-3 am). Or spending the adequate quality time with my SO.


I don't know if I'll ever be able to say "yes, I'm ready!" Maybe I will! I just don't know. There is a lingering doubt in me right now. I don't know if that is just uncertainty, or if there is really something more that I need to process. As you guys have suggested, there probably is something real there, it's not just fear of the unknown. I guess I need to get through the D, then have some more time to think.

Man you guys rock!!