I'm 35, married for going on 12 years. The DH and I have been struggling off and on over the years, and separated for four months back in 2006. The themes of our conflicts always revolve around finances, differences in personality (he's extroverted, I'm introverted), differences of opinion around things like the house, etc. We have a big blow out fight, we throw insults, an occasional glass, try to come to a resolution, and do it all over again a few weeks later. Yesterday was one of these fights. I am tired of this pattern.
I have been thinking about divorce off and on for a while now. I could go on and on about why I haven't taken that step yet, but to sum it up-I am the sole breadwinner-he stays at home and tries to work as an artist. If I left, he'd be homeless and peniless (except for whatever spousal support I had to pay). AND, I am quite shy and reserved, and over the years the isolation has gotten worse. My friends kinda bailed after we got back together after the separation, and now all the friends in my life are people I know through him. I am quite alone.
I guess I'm here because outside of my family, I have no supports. I work, I go to the gym, and I go home to him. We don't have any kids, and have gone back and forth over whether to try, but honestly if we can't get it together, I don't feel having a kid would be responsible anyways. I want to fix this so we are both happy and feel our needs and wants are being met.
Just bumping this. I was down yesterday, but when I got home from work he was acting like nothing happened. I have been reading the forum, trying to get all the acronyms. I was given the DB book years ago from my old therapist, during the time of our separation. Going to try to read it but have to do so on the sly because I don't know what he'd say if he saw me reading it. Part of me still feels like he's only still around because he can't support himself without my income.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just bumping this. I was down yesterday, but when I got home from work he was acting like nothing happened. I have been reading the forum, trying to get all the acronyms. I was given the DB book years ago from my old therapist, during the time of our separation. Going to try to read it but have to do so on the sly because I don't know what he'd say if he saw me reading it. Part of me still feels like he's only still around because he can't support himself without my income.
Add this piece of advise to validate what you are saying
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Part of me still feels like he's only still around because he can't support himself without my income.
Mindreading ... beware of doing this ... you do not know what he is thinking or why he is staying
You may have built up some resentment of him being the breadwinner ... read the DB book, and this forum you will start to stumble on several trends ... one of which in this case is focus on you, you can only control YOU ... not your spouse.
I appreciate the feedback. I am aware that I am only able to attend to my own behavior, not his. This is a struggle I've had for years, especially in relation to his drinking and his behavior around employment (or lack thereof). I try to remind myself that I must take care of ME, but it's tough. I tend to be quite rigid and perfectionistic. I feel like the rest of this week has been trying to buy time until the next fight. I want to avoid that fight and actually start feeling happy in this marriage. I do have the DB book, I've read the first part so far. Tough to find time alone to read without DH there to see what I'm reading.
Still here? Keep posting so your thread can get some more attention, at times they can get pushed back out of view by all the new threads being created daily. Posting often is the best way to get it noticed.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I disappeared for a bit, but the past two weeks have been awful and I guess I really should stick with this group more. It's tough as I have to use my work computer, because we share the laptop at home and I don't want him seeing this in the browser history.
I am toying with the idea of leaving still. I think things are going to be ok, and then stuff happens that makes me feel like the situation is unbearable. 1.5 weeks ago we got into a big fight after he went out and didn't tell me he was stopping by a friends house afterwards, and didn't answer his phone. I was worried he had drove drunk, or something else awful happened. Up for three or four hours screaming at each other.
This past tuesday-it happened again, because I came home to find him slurring his words after a friend came to visit in the afternoon. Yesterday-another fight, this time while at dinner at a restaurant. Very embarassing.
Each of these fights turns into each of us listing the things the other does that drives us crazy, makes us feel badly, and so forth. I am not happy that he has taken to breaking items, and pushing me or coming at me like he's restraining himself from hitting me. He kicked a computer, he slammed a door that then broke off and hit me. He insults me and my hobbies or lifestyle choices. Tells me I'm not normal because I don't like bars or large crowds.
We separated 10 years ago for four months-at this time he moved out because he said I was ignoring him, cold, uninvolved. Let it also be mentioned that during this time I was diagnosed with OCD, and I was quite sick-taking medications, going through therapy. Nothing to help the support and recovery from a mental illness like the spouse moving out of the home.
I have no drive for intimacy with him. He feels neglected and I do understand that. I don't know what to do to foster any desire for him, because honestly when he's smelling like cigarettes or booze, or just acting in ways that I find unattractive, how can I want to be close?
In any case, I do have the book, I'm slowly making my way through when I have moments when he's not around. I hope to stay closer to this forum while I figure out what the heck I'm going to do.
I guess I don't know how to make the decision to end it. He has no family, no one to stay with until he gets on his feet. Not to mention the financial devastation of having to pay spousal support, sell the house (that needs work to be sellable), split assets like my pensions, etc. I keep hoping the good days will last. That the spark we had 14 years ago will come back.
