Card29 XI - Journey

[Card29]

Thanks for weighing in, GB

1. I'm concerned that this woman is signing up for all kinds of hurt. She dated a guy 5 years hoping to get married and it sounds like the guy strung her along. They were still dating. It's NOT an affair and if he didn't want her dating other he should have put a ring on it. But her going from that and choosing to soon after consider dating (and talking about honeymoons and step parenting) with a guy that isn't even actually divorced yet is a fairly good indication that this girls picker may be a bit broken.

You feel that you can't have an A if you're not M? Sorry if I misread. I would disagree with that. I do hold M on a very high ground, and I believe in working through any problems that could possibly be resolved once M'd. But I feel like you can have commitment and betrayal without paperwork, a ceremony, ring, etc. You're absolutely right that he should have put a ring on it, though. She is one of the most forthcoming people I've ever met and I don't doubt that she told him plenty of times her desires, although she said she didn't try to "smother him" with M talk. "I never left ring ads on his desk or anything like that," is what she told me.

From what I've witnessed and learned about women "in their prime" who want families and kids, they typically leave one R for another. She's been single since February, although she's been on some dates for fun. And she seems to be really settling into being single and figuring herself out. I hope, for her sake, that she is patient through this process. We discussed a few weeks ago than one of the hardest parts of this chaos is relearning who you are, what you want, etc.

(uR, this is for you, too. Forgot to address it in my response to you) Let me be clear, we didn't discuss "our" honeymoon. A week or two ago, she happened to mention, in a group setting, her ideal honeymoon. She wasn't even talking directly to me, just gabbing with friends. It just happens to coincide with what I'd always dreamt of. We've never discussed any of this. Not sure why I mentioned it here other than the fact that I don't really have anyone IRL that I'm sharing this kind of detail with about this sitch. Guys at work just want me to join Tinder so they can hear lots of stories, family is kind of close to sis' friend, etc. That's why I turn to you guys! Neutral, unfiltered opinions. I'm grateful for you

And the step-parenting thing...she mentioned it because:

- She doesn't want to date anyone who she knows that she wouldn't potentially marry due to a "deal-breaker" issue. Not interested in wasting her time dating someone who she knows she wouldn't at least potentially marry.

- She'd never considered the possibility of being a step-mom. IF she eventually started dating me, she would have to be okay with potentially being a step-mom. So it's just something she's been weighing, although she thinks, in this case, it would not be a problem. She mentioned it since we were airing out everything we'd thought about.

2. A lot of divorced men rebound into the first relationship with a younger pretty woman they can find as a way to prove to reclaim their self respect and show their ex-wife that they are the man. Divorce rates for 2nd marriages are higher than first marriage AND third marriages for MANY reasons. SLOW DOWN.

I really feel like I'm past the rebound stage. I'm not rushing into anything anymore. I have to admit that I did go through that "I need to prove something to myself (and others, to an extent) by dating/flirting with an amazing girl." I'm past that, though. My most recent dates have been with great women, but I've enjoyed them for the sake of enjoying them, not proving anything.

Obviously I did a poor job of communicating this in my post about our "talk", but the theme of the entire night is that we both agree to slow down, not that we were moving insanely fast to begin with. We've had one kiss. We *aren't* going to date right now and I am not a bit anxious for when or even IF it will happen. Three months ago I was patient to wait, but I was on pins and needles for "IF" it would happen because I was madly infatuated with her. That intensity has passed and now I'm "detached", to steal a DB term. I'm being honest when I say if she started a committed R to another guy, and it lasted, I would be disappointed but not crushed. Couldn't have said the same thing 3 months ago. The other dates I've had lately have shown me that there are plenty of women out there that I could be happy with. I only need to find one ("need" being a generous term), so if it doesn't work out with sis' friend, then it wasn't meant to happen and I'll move on fairly easily.

3. I'm not saying this might not be a great fit for you and for her and that the odds have to apply to you but get divorced and date around a bit before committing to the first shiny thing you find. You are only 29. Second marriage success is like 30% in 10 years. You don't want to be a 40 year with two ex-wives already paying child support to two women.

- I'm fully aware of the stats, and I know I'm still young (although I did just turn 30, need to update my signature). I'm not in a hurry and left her house so happy about our discussion. We're both interested, see the fit, yet we both agree that we shouldn't date right now. And yes, I have been enjoying dates with other women, which I believe has been a factor in getting me from rebound/crush/intense/blind-infatuation phase with sis' friend to how I currently feel, which is much more reasonable.

4. Your feelings regarding potential recovery with your stbxw diminishing is no surprise. Your love tank for her is draining into your sister's friends love tank at an alarming rate.

- My love tank for STBX started draining last June when she stopped fulfilling my ENs. It was empty in December, around when I had my lightswitch moment. And yes, I "fell for" or "rebounded" to my sister's friend around that time (late December). But between January and early April, I only saw her once. In the meantime, I went on dates with 2-3 other girls, and detached from sis's friend. Right now my "love tank" is not consumed by anyone in particular. I'm single, I'm a dad, and I'm enjoying everyday. Me and her and hangout non-romantically and have a ball. I can't say that for one or two of the other girls I've hung out with.

GET DIVORCED FIRST.

Agreed, although I'm more cautious due to timing and readiness, not whether or not some paperwork has been filled out yet. But it's in the works. Actually mailing out a form today.

Typically (I'm not insulting your new friend that I don't know she may really be great) the most healthy well adjusted marriage material women wouldn't date a still married man if their lives depended on it. You've gone through a huge trauma the last year. Think about this...if your sister was interested in a guy in your exact current situation, would you want her pursuing it???

That's a wise perspective too look from. I would be concerned about her readiness just like I am with sis's friend. Whether or not paperwork was finished would depend on context. Am I ready? Eh I'm not 100% sure, but it's not like our papers were filed in the heat of the moment during her A and early stages of our S. Maybe it sounds cold but the D feels more like paperwork than anything else at this point.

Like I said, I guess I didn't make it clear - but I'm sure sis's friend isn't ready. I had that thought going into the night and was relieved to know she realized it before I even said it. So right now, no, I don't want to pursue her, I don't want her to pursue me, and I wouldn't want my sis to pursue anyone if she wasn't ready, either. I suspect she needs at least this summer to really figure it out, and maybe even uR's original warning should be heeded: 2015 should be "off-limits" between the two of us. In an ideal world...

I really do appreciate your time and honest words. I wouldn't spend time here if I knew you guys wouldn't be honest. I've turned here with this sitch because I realized I don't have a wise, neutral POV from anyone IRL. So thank you!! And keep the 2x4's coming if necessary