I disappeared for a bit, but the past two weeks have been awful and I guess I really should stick with this group more. It's tough as I have to use my work computer, because we share the laptop at home and I don't want him seeing this in the browser history.
I am toying with the idea of leaving still. I think things are going to be ok, and then stuff happens that makes me feel like the situation is unbearable. 1.5 weeks ago we got into a big fight after he went out and didn't tell me he was stopping by a friends house afterwards, and didn't answer his phone. I was worried he had drove drunk, or something else awful happened. Up for three or four hours screaming at each other.
This past tuesday-it happened again, because I came home to find him slurring his words after a friend came to visit in the afternoon. Yesterday-another fight, this time while at dinner at a restaurant. Very embarassing.
Each of these fights turns into each of us listing the things the other does that drives us crazy, makes us feel badly, and so forth. I am not happy that he has taken to breaking items, and pushing me or coming at me like he's restraining himself from hitting me. He kicked a computer, he slammed a door that then broke off and hit me. He insults me and my hobbies or lifestyle choices. Tells me I'm not normal because I don't like bars or large crowds.
We separated 10 years ago for four months-at this time he moved out because he said I was ignoring him, cold, uninvolved. Let it also be mentioned that during this time I was diagnosed with OCD, and I was quite sick-taking medications, going through therapy. Nothing to help the support and recovery from a mental illness like the spouse moving out of the home.
I have no drive for intimacy with him. He feels neglected and I do understand that. I don't know what to do to foster any desire for him, because honestly when he's smelling like cigarettes or booze, or just acting in ways that I find unattractive, how can I want to be close?
In any case, I do have the book, I'm slowly making my way through when I have moments when he's not around. I hope to stay closer to this forum while I figure out what the heck I'm going to do.
