Your WW is trying to control you. She wants to have her way. But she can't control you, only you can, so all she can do is use words. If you don't react, you remain in control. Sentences like "the clock is ticking" are meant to worry you, to push you to action. If you don't react, if you don't change your course, they die out.
Notice a pattern: she'll present things as if she cares about your interests. She tells you to go her way so as to avoid appearing mean or vindictive or what not, to gain more from the settlement, to avoid some mysterious consequence in the near future... Why does she pretend to care so much about you? In my opinion, if she could gain more by being silent, she would do it.So when she talks, it's not really out of helping you out as she presents it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Monday she will get a letter from my L that she will not be happy at all about. She will be royally pissed. She already doesn't like me having my own L and said I was "showing my true colors" and was being "vindictive". She wants me to drop my lawyer and lets settle this amongst ourselves. I am not going to do that because it's not in my best interest. I know that.
It seems very typical when the WAS does not get 'their' way they throw a fit. I know when D was on the table for me my wife constantly would tell me she wanted to D amicably, and I would smile telling her "Yeah provided amicable is now defined as you getting it your way right?" They do have things all laid out in their head and once we LBS start standing up for ourselves it throws them off, confuses them and starts to erode that fantasy of what they dreamed the D would be like
Question - she is so impatient about this D and every time it comes up so says "the clock is ticking J" What does that even mean? She has said this phrase at least 3 times.
Again ... things are not going according to her plan or her schedule, so she is pouting and acting out about it, stay the course.
We did have a covo months ago about her not having the circus freak OW around the kids for a year which she agreed to - that was in September. Is that what she is referring to? Or is she just doing it to push my buttons and telling me to just hurry the F*ck up. Either way, I don't like it - I believe the last time she said it I said "I don't have any control over the legal system" and let that sit with her. Thats the best way to handle it, because its true, you have no control over that nor her.
Who knows for sure, guess it is not worth thinking about but its weird. "The clock is ticking J" - that sounds ominous doesn't it? Am I reading more into it that what it is worth?
The more time I spend apart from her the more I can see how really mean she was/is to me and how much she wants things her way AND how much I did to make it happen to keep her happy. I just don't see any good outcome in this except to for me to "see" her and the "marriage" for what it was.
It was my dream, not hers. She resented having our second child (she told me), she felt trapped, she hated the mini van and everything it represented, She hated our marriage and me and what a prison it was. She was afraid of my reactions, she was mad at my non reactions.
In hindsight, I see she used me, she used me as a meal ticket, a way out, the opportunity to get out of her last relationship (GF not wife).
Did I ever love "her" or did I love what I thought she was? This level of viciousness that she has unleashed is unprecedented and hurts and scares me.
You are right Wonka, I have grown some Melons and we will see what happens.
Right now there are alot of emotions flying around for you ... and for your W. Do not let her rewrite your marriage history, nor take away from the good. But yeah right now she may very well be acting selfish and focused on what she wants, accept that for what it is .. and remember believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do .. this also applies to the nasty stuff.
"stating that every time she has to contact my L it costs me, so it's in my best intersts to communicate with her directly"
AND
"I am required by law to communicate with her when the interests and welfare of our kids are concerned. Any non communication from me is in violation of the law. As my l - he needs to inform me of this fact....."
If it were a real issue about the welfare of the kids - I respond IMMEDIATELY - here is what the issues of the day she was pissed at that I did not respond to immediately were:
Yearbook photos Tickets to a baseball game I am turning the kids against her
My IC said that her actions do not indicate someone who wants to separate. She said people who want to D don't keep contacting and/or comunicating with soon to be x. She said her actions do not match her words.
I am doing my best to not contact her, no pursuit, being cordial if we do talk, I don't reply to her immediately unless it's a bonafide emergency (kids sick, school problem, etc..) Most of the time, I don't reply to her at all.
She threatens me to communicate with her, "you must talk to me" yet is pushing hard and fast for D.
Notice a pattern: she'll present things as if she cares about your interests. She tells you to go her way so as to avoid appearing mean or vindictive or what not, to gain more from the settlement, to avoid some mysterious consequence in the near future... Why does she pretend to care so much about you? In my opinion, if she could gain more by being silent, she would do it.So when she talks, it's not really out of helping you out as she presents it.
Right - it's all about control and manipulation of me. That really hurts to realize it. But that's exactly what it is and what everyone has been telling me. I have been "no no no" You don't know her like I do, she would never do that. But the facts tell another story.
You know she was not always this person. I don't know who this person is.
My old person and I taught Sunday school. Really. She was kind loving never lied and was my everything.
So either I was being deceived for 20 years or MLC . Guess it does not matter in final analysis- old girl is gone never to be seen again. It is like she actually died and this is a cheap relica made outside the USA.
The outside is the same but the inside is broken and put together all wrong.
Goodbye old - hello new - sounds like a song - played on a broken record player
My d6 told me all about the OW this morning and how much my WW is in love with her.
She told that me my WW is staying in this city and the OW will stay in her city and that will be that. She told my D6 that she can go visit the OW and her daughters anytime she wants. My D6 said she doesn't want to visit her. The OW has two boys too not two daughters.
So.... seems like my WW is still in her fantasy or maybe reality at this point. I am telling my kids how much I love them and how happy I am for WW. I am broken inside but I guess that is the right thing to do. I don't want me kids to be worried or scared about anything.
My D6 also told me that she was "Student of the Month" and how she got her photo taken and got the certificte, etc... and guess what - she was not the student of the month. So go figure.
My question is - do I talk about this situation to my S9? I am guessing I should reassure him that everything is going to be OK without being pressing about details. That would probably make him feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should just let him tell me about it if he has questions.
Last night we had cub scouts. My WW called 6 times. I was very busy with the scouts and did not see the calls. I texted when we got home - all good. But 6 calls? Come on!
I will let all calls from her go to VM. If it's an emergency she texts.
What do you think DBer's - should I do anything differently? I am cordial but distant, trying to keep my life packed full of GAL but PMA is hard to do at this point. I am smiling and shaking hands and saying hello to everyone I meet which is a big 180 for me.
My WW keeps telling me that if I were "nicer" to her that there might be a chance of reconcilliation. She has said this a couple of different ways over the past few months. She keeps saying if we could only be friends again, then who knows what could happen.
Friends of course while she continues her OW thing, and while she has stuck me with the mortgage and all of the bills as she moved out. Friends as she lies to all of our friends about the OW and why we split. So.... the whole "be nicer to me" feels and smells like more like manipulation.
I have followed the advice of the wide DB community here and have improved my cordial skills. I try to view her as a neighbor with whom I a have a friendly relationship with, nothng else.
I am still very wary of her and don't trust her. She makes me very sad that she has hurt me and scared me and just left me out to dry since the whole thing started.
So while I don't avoid her, I will nod a hello if I pass her in the halls at work, that's about it. When we do talk, all I do is validate and mimic back what I hear. I dont share anything about what Ido, am dim and just try to get back on track.
I am trying to detach and am trying desperately to get a life and just get over her and her hurtful behaviors. Some days are better than others I must admit. I have learned a lot about MLC'ers and 100% belive she is in one.
Fun times right?!
Today marks 8 LONG months of hard times for me, therapy, medication, weight loss, hair falling out, support groups, exrecise, and increased kid activities.
Its possible shes just saying those things to avoid her own guilt, or so she doesn't have to accept her role in it. It would be easier to just say "if you would only.....we could maybe....." which then places the blame on you for whatever happens or doesn't happen.
The fact is shes still with OW and she left, its not your place to do something to make her come back. If she really wants to have a relationship with you she would make a real effort, not shitty excuses that blame you. Keep being cordial and work on yourself, your doing great.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Her biggest idea is that ' I (ww) didn't want to move - you told me too." Therefore I am not responsible for any of the bills or responsibilities. Wha??? We did argue at first who was going to move out and she decided to bolt which she did.
So I am stuck struggling to pay the bills etc... And I get the blame for her affair .
I am just leaving her alone and working on me.
I really appreciate the feedback. There are days where I really question. My sanity.
