Heavy, if it were me (and keep in mind I am definitely a passive aggressive person) I would validate her when she tells you that you hiring a L prolongs the process. And suggest that if time was of the essence for her, that perhaps you both could use YOUR lawyer. Let her argue her way out of that one.
Again, I am PA
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
It's a no win with her right now. No matter which way I turn, it's wrong, not high enough, not low enough, just wrong. So since I know that already, I just make validating statements.
She is a force to be reckoned with!! (she thinks). My L said she is a typical blow hard and to ignore her.
Yeah, that was one of the main reasons I dropped out of the mediation process. We reached an impasse and the mediators suggested we talk to their one lawyer to see if that helped. Both of us talking to the same person.... errrr...no.
So, she said she "did what she was supposed to" and talked to the lawyer and was told that she had already conceded too much and she will start from scratch - including the 50-50 custody issue. I just smiled.
So, yes, she told me to drop my lawyer, continue with the mediation (where we couldn't agree), so we can get this over with.
It's like I have fallen down the rabit hole.
My therapist said she has many many clients like her. She said she is so angry now because she has realized that she can't control me any more and that now she is starting to see the consequences of her actions and what she will lose.
Fairy dust and unicorns are starting to fade away in her fantasy land.
My therapist said she has many many clients like her. She said she is so angry now because she has realized that she can't control me any more and that now she is starting to see the consequences of her actions and what she will lose.
Fairy dust and unicorns are starting to fade away in her fantasy land.
PING....PING!! That's on spot right there. BOOM, Heavy has grown a pair of titanium melons.
Have you thought about applying emotional aikido to W here? A bit of emotional jujstu. Agree with W that your M was crappy and all that jazz. Then sit back and watch. Your W will be flummoxed and will start to defend the good parts of the M. Genius, eh?
Wonka, as fun as this sounds, have you ever seen where this worked? I am not being snarky. It is a question because to me, if this actually did work, I would have thought it would be part of the DB process.
You ask a good and valid question here.
If you would read all of Heavy's threads, her W has this very negative view of her and the M which she constantly brings it up on every convo. Why not switch it up for once and see W's priceless reaction? Mix it up a bit here.
You'd be surprised at how this emotional jujutsu works! I've used it maybe once or two IRL. It DOES work.
Have you thought about applying emotional aikido to W here? A bit of emotional jujstu. Agree with W that your M was crappy and all that jazz. Then sit back and watch. Your W will be flummoxed and will start to defend the good parts of the M. Genius, eh?
Wonka, as fun as this sounds, have you ever seen where this worked? I am not being snarky. It is a question because to me, if this actually did work, I would have thought it would be part of the DB process.
You ask a good and valid question here.
If you would read all of Heavy's threads, her W has this very negative view of her and the M which she constantly brings it up on every convo. Why not switch it up for once and see W's priceless reaction? Mix it up a bit here.
You'd be surprised at how this emotional jujutsu works! I've used it maybe once or two IRL. It DOES work.
I agree that it does work. My W started the DB discussion by listing a lot of the things I had criticized her for in our M. She said I was right on all of this after all. She was a bad person in this M hence she needed to leave me and find her true self. I was definitely taken by surprise, not only by the desire to leave, but by the complete change in the structure of our arguments.
WW had an OM (EA) waiting in the wings, so I can't quite say whether she was honest about her self-assessment, but I simply point out that the way she approached it was unsettling. I remember thinking of it a "emotional jujitsu" too.
I also think it's part of DB and it's called validation.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thank you everyone for commenting. Mozza, nice to see you again.
Monday she will get a letter from my L that she will not be happy at all about. She will be royally pissed. She already doesn't like me having my own L and said I was "showing my true colors" and was being "vindictive". She wants me to drop my lawyer and lets settle this amongst ourselves. I am not going to do that because it's not in my best interest. I know that.
Question - she is so impatient about this D and every time it comes up so says "the clock is ticking J" What does that even mean? She has said this phrase at least 3 times.
We did have a covo months ago about her not having the circus freak OW around the kids for a year which she agreed to - that was in September. Is that what she is referring to? Or is she just doing it to push my buttons and telling me to just hurry the F*ck up. Either way, I don't like it - I believe the last time she said it I said "I don't have any control over the legal system" and let that sit with her.
Who knows for sure, guess it is not worth thinking about but its weird. "The clock is ticking J" - that sounds ominous doesn't it? Am I reading more into it that what it is worth?
The more time I spend apart from her the more I can see how really mean she was/is to me and how much she wants things her way AND how much I did to make it happen to keep her happy. I just don't see any good outcome in this except to for me to "see" her and the "marriage" for what it was.
It was my dream, not hers. She resented having our second child (she told me), she felt trapped, she hated the mini van and everything it represented, She hated our marriage and me and what a prison it was. She was afraid of my reactions, she was mad at my non reactions.
In hindsight, I see she used me, she used me as a meal ticket, a way out, the opportunity to get out of her last relationship (GF not wife).
Did I ever love "her" or did I love what I thought she was? This level of viciousness that she has unleashed is unprecedented and hurts and scares me.
You are right Wonka, I have grown some Melons and we will see what happens.
