I know there are no guarantees but.....

[XFit14]

Day 4 since my divorce. I was doing well. I mean I have been dealing with the inevitable (not to be negative but realistic) since October s014 when she filed for divorce.
I maintained composure, didn't break down and cry or beg. I did try to convince otherwise several times....(who wouldn't??) but I instantly started going to therapy and tried doing a complete 180 which I accomplished and am still doing.
Basically...had I known my wife was this unhappy...Id have done ANYTHING to make the changes she needed to see for us to remain together.
I feel this needed to happen (not necessarily the divorce but the wake up call for sure) to get me out of this negative attitude / pissed off at the world period I was in. (Which if you have read this story from the beginning you will understand).
I also have taken responsibility for my actions, made apologies to FIL and MIL (my reasoning behind that was to stop the fighting and hate between us all and attempt to 1) show my wife I was serious about not being angry about this stuff anymore and to try to help rebuild bridges between her and her family....they are her parents afterall and they are not getting any younger).
It was all for naught (in regards to saving my marriage but I have been implementing the techniques and working on myself etc and I am honestly happy with the way I feel about myself. But the inevitable day finally arrived this past Monday. I made it through that day pretty ok.

Tuesday....not so much. Wednesday not bad and yesterday.....yesterday. There is a woman I dated YEARS ago. It's been 17 years I believe.
We dated for a while and it was a really good relationship.
She had two kids (very young 2 and 6) and I was having a blast with her and them. I entered my current career and got sent to the north west part of my state to work.
She did not want to uproot her kids from the rest of her family or sell her house.
I was only going to be gone a year and it was only a 4 hour drive away.
I moved and began coming back down to see her and the kids every weekend.
About 4 or 5 months in I began hearing from her less and less and it's not like I could just jump in the car and run over to her house and see what was going on.
Finally after 3 days of no contact I got hold of her mom.
She put my ex GF on the phone and I was told that she had run into an ex BF of hers and decided that she wanted to give this guy another chance.... I finished my shift the next day, drove down in the middle of the night and confirmed that this was true that she had moved on when I rounded the corner to find someone else's truck parked in her driveway....at 0100 in the morning.
Clue???
Yeah. Anyway....by her own admission she made a huge mistake and to this day can not explain what she was thinking and why she did what she did even though I have asked her (so that I can try to get it straight in my head or make changes I need to make or SOMETHING) to not pull any punches and please tell me the truth. Anyway...over the years we re-connected and have remained friends.
She has remarried (for the past ten years) the kids have grown and her daughter just (5 days ago) had a baby of her own!!
Very cool.
We have not talked in about 8 years....give or take but she knew I was married.
I recently reached out and managed to get in contact with her again (which is how I know about her new granddaughter)(I have a point I am getting to also...hang in there). We spoke a few weeks ago and actually made plans to get together (including her husband) and have dinner and catch up.
This got cancelled due to an already scheduled date night with her hubby.
No big deal I can respect that as I would do the same thing.
Then late Wednesday night I get a text (that I sleep through) that says she needs a friend to talk to.
The next morning I text her back (and apologize for missing the text the night before) and she fills me in that she found evidence her husband has been in an EA and she is looking at a divorce. We chatted a bit on Thursday morning and texted a bit throughout the day.
Then last night we were on the phone for FOUR HOURS.
Out of that 4 hours only about 30 minutes was spent talking about my recent divorce.
I spent the majority of the time listening to her, telling her what I have learned in my readings, through therapy, online and on here (although I didn't divulge exactly where I was getting the info (specifically this site) as I just want to keep this a secret from everyone for a while) So...my point.
I didn't cry or tear up or lose it once ....all day and all night and divorce was the main topic of conversation the entire day and all last night.
I actually felt pretty good and she felt more positive when we got off the phone last night. It was ....somewhat equally uplifting to have us somewhat supporting each other a bit...even though I did the majority of the talking and she did the crying.

Today.....im online paying some bills and kind of watching a movie in the background. Nothing whatsoever to do with my wife or anything....and I lose it..... I mean BAD.....for like 30 minutes I can't stop crying and again....it's not like crying I have ever done. It's these deep heaving sobs that wrack my body.
In the middle of all this my dad calls and I swipe the screen because if he even remotely hears his son like I would sound if I answered the phone he would be driving to the airport to get on a plane in 5 seconds flat. I don't want that right now. I need some time alone and I know it is scaring him and my mom because they have not heard from me other then by text since Monday. I lost it.......

I posted the other day that I know this site is predominantly geared towards DBing an that now that mine is final I don't know if I (my ....journey) still applies in here?
I hope it does because I have not given up the hope that at some point I might catch my wife's eye or heart again and maybe at that time I will have made the necessary (and they were) changes to re-attract her back into my arms and life.
If not....the changes (attitude and anger) needed to be changed regardless (positive good point in all this mess). But....the fact that I know she is already seeing someone and that he spends the night (my stepson is almost 16 and lives with her fulltime so she is not hiding it from him) doesn't give me much hope ..... and I know it is very soon after the divorce but it is not very soon since this whole ordeal started.

So.....what now ??? I know I need to keep doing for me. GAL, further detatching (now since this is all new and fresh again......yippee) I'm not going to say anything that anyone else hasn't said or wants from this ...I want the opportunity to get my wife BACK! We were good ....the situation and how I handled it was not! I GET why she wanted to look for greener grass. I feel she took the easy way but I didn't make living with me (due to the situation) easy. I GET IT. But what now......?

I have gotten some good advice from some great people in just the past few days since I have joined. (I have been reading posts on this site for months) Mozza and Cadet and Sandi2 (and I am hoping 25yearsmlc (If someone knows how to reach another vet and get them to give my story a look I'd appreciate it) will get wind of this and look in on me and post because she has some great insight, wisdom and advice)....and I am sure I am going to get smacked with a few 2 x 4's and I welcome them right now because today is...bad and I've never been like this and I've had some horrible dating experiences.
Please guys.....