Lost & confused

[Clairee]

Thanks UC for the advice. The distance is both blessing & curse. Its giving me the time I need to sort out my feelings & focus on my changes without feeling pressure. But it's also difficult because I can't see H's reactions, changes or body language when he's talking. I know I need to change my interaction with H. In the past, I ignored his feelings & never took them into consideration much. Which is exactly how my parents marriage is & I see that now. I never talked if I was bothered by something. Bottle it up, then blow up later. So I'm working on being a better partner by being a better person. I have been suffocating under my own self inflicted image issues, so I've started working out again which is something I have put off far too long. I'm not s big fan of exercise but it has been giving me an outlet for my frustrations and anxieties.

No big plans for the weekend. Probably a beach day Saturday & shopping/lunch with a girlfriend Sunday.

I know I shouldn't do the Lone Ranger thing, but I'm very much aware of how my friends react to certain things & if the words lie, cheat or affair come out of my mouth they will all call him & give it to him & hold it against him forever. All of my close friends who I would confide in are Hawaiian/Asian women & I've seen how they behave when it comes to this when one of our other friends told them her H was messing around with someone. They were relentless & harsh. I don't want that for any of us.

I had a really good session today with IC. Helped me realize everything I feel is normal & won't last forever. We talked a lot about forgiveness & how that can happen & how she had confidence that I would get there with the right actions & tools. That gave me a sense of peace & hope which I've been lacking. We talked of the long road & that while this initial phase is hard, putting it back together will be harder, longer & more emotional.

H called later to tell me there were issues with the bike starter. Ended up costing more than anticipated to fix. He had made plans for us to take a full day winery tour while I was there & I nixed that because of the extra costs to fix the bike. I felt a surge of anger when he told me because I knew we couldn't spend another $600 on the bike & do such an expensive day tour. For years I've harbored feelings of his selfishness. I give up something so he can have something instead. This has eaten at me for years & I never said anything. I just swallowed it, stewed on it & found ways to punish him. This time when I felt it, instead of bottling it up I walked around the block, calmed myself down & then talked to him about it. Acknowledging this is different because it's a repair that had to be done & not just some toy he wanted & I shouldn't have instantly jumped to that feeling. He apologized it made me feel that way & wished I had said things before. He said he always felt bad I did that, but never said anything because he assumed I was really ok with it all. Funny how that whole communication thing bites you in the okole when you fail to use it.

Overall not a bad day. I didn't get my shave ice but the kids & I got ice cream after school together & sat at the park eating it & just enjoying a beautiful day.

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