WAH with one foot out the door and one in.

[Zues126]

I just watched the video too. Funny you mentioned it was eye opening. To me, I felt it didn't even scratch the surface. She talked about the pain of rejection. Think about the pain we feel at BD. How every time you get an email you secretly hope it's the one saying they realized they made a mistake. How each day you wake up and remember that your M is over. That each night you wish there was something you could do to reconnect.

That's how I felt for YEARS in my R. Every day. Eventually I withdrew, played pool, worked, paid the bills. It undermined me to the core. I was disconnected from my children. I thought for years about ending my life. I kept thinking about the love I had for my W, but I couldn't share it because I felt perpetually rejected, and misunderstood. I felt like she couldn't love me because she didn't even know who I was because she didn't understand to the right magnitude of 100 how important it was to me...or she did understand in which case she just didn't care. Again, it hurt so much I just avoided her altogether. We probably had 3 YEARS IN WHICH WE DIDN'T SPEAK. And those who know me on this board know me (hopefully) to be a very sensitive and loving person.

Was this WAW's fault. That's NOT what I'm saying. As the video states, I have a job to do as well. I didn't do my job. I did hurtful things to try to control or force her at times. I withdrew to protect myself, but also to punish or to try to "wake her up" to the pain I was in. To make the situation as much a priority to her as it was to me. I used pornography. And I wasn't there for her. So that was my contribution to our M downfall. I'm honestly not here pointing the finger at my STBX. I can't expect her to live to a standard of marriage I couldn't keep myself. FURTHERMORE, I recognize that she felt JUST AS MUCH pain from my reactions as I EVER did during these years, which is why she finally threw in the towel. So I totally get why she left me.

But since you're here I'll tell you that while I can't blame my behavior on her, it was more than I was able to deal with at that point in my life. And I failed. I didn't have an affair, I didn't walk away from my M. And though I was a bad H I actually felt like a SAINT for still being there, providing for my family, when I felt like I was being tortured every day. And the fact is that had she somehow been able to be a better W than I was an H, we might've made it through.

For me, all I really wanted was two things:
1. Careful with rejection. I understand that we can't ML every time I want. But if she knew how deeply it wounded me when I was rejected coldly, instead maybe she could use the following formula: "Honey, I love you. I can't ML right now, but not because I don't love you, it's because ABC factors. However, I know exactly how important this is to you, and if it's important to you, it's important to me. How about tomorrow you come home from work for lunch and I make it up to you?"
2. Follow through. Flirt a bit, send a few exotic texts, and make it up to me tomorrow at lunch.

If she did those two things I could've lived off relatively little actual sex, simply because I would've felt understood and cared for. Of course, sometimes I'd like a little binge with some excitement and adventure, but if that was worked in occasionally I would be just fine with even a strained sex life.

The biggest point is if she would acknowledge how I was feeling and make it more of a priority. So just a few dirty jokes, or some flirting, to let me know that she was aware of how much I needed her, how much pain I was in without her, and then taking care of me when circumstance dictated she could.

OK. This is probably the most I've ever posted on how I felt about it, and what I was longing for. So again, I'm not pointing at STBX. I tore up my scorecard. I've forgiven her for being no better at M than I was. And I have my own problems to contend with.

This was more to try to determine how I'd like my future R to look, and to really build on how significant it was in my M. Oh, and after years of feeling misunderstood it's nice to just spit this out. I'll admit, this is therapeutic for me.

The good news is I'm in a point where I feel like I could do much, much better if I went through a similar challenge in my next M. But to be fair, at some point I don't know that I'd ever feel like I was happily M if my partner couldn't meet me some of the way as well.

Thanks for listening and for being openminded. Keep reflecting on this daily. HE WILL NOTICE