In need of opinions

[dawgy]

Hi everyone . Its Dawgy . Im back .Still in limbo at home . Ive asked her to leave multiple times over the last few months . She said she was going to . But shes still there cooking cleaning and paying bills . Not sure why . We dont sleep together and havent for a good seven months .
we had a big discussion a couple weeks ago about why she was still there and she said because she was scared . I told her I understood and I wouldn t kick her out . But the paperwork for a separation was going to proceed .
Reality has finally set in for her . wow it only took 15 months. She told me that what she thought would take place was nt being realistic .I dont know if she still sees the POS or not . I ve stopped snooping and spying along time ago . The divorce busting techniques ei Sandis list takes along time to learn. But I believe ive got it now .
Im looking for opinions on what my next move may be . As far as trying to rekindle some feelings . Also the boys know all now , they have for two months . And they know everything

[Sotto]

Dawgy - welcome back - good to hear from you! Sounds like things are shifting a little for your W. But as you say - it does take time.

You've said a lot about her, but where are you up to in terms of stuff for yourself? Are there things you have been working on? I'm only asking because you are asking about re-attraction. And IMHO a man who has 'done the work' and become the man he truly wants to be is devilish attractive...:-)

[dawgy]

well yes good point Toots . Ive been staying busy and GAl . however It seems to be to the detriment of my marriage because i have so much going on now Im hardly ever home and when I am its doing chores or spending time with my sons . Very little time spent with W . She doesnt seem to want it or at least she doesnt say so . Any way its not about her . My question was what can I do to be attracted to her again .

[TenBook]

Hey dawgy.

Is she at all remorseful for what she has done?

[u-turn]

Hi Dawgy - I was just thinking of you the other day - I hope you are doing alright.

I have been hung up on this too - and have lost attraction. My biggest issue has been establishing trust again. I truly believe when we can actively work on that, the rest will follow (if she is interested in redeveloping the attraction too). I don't exactly know how this will all work, but I feel like this is the first step.

Now - to figure out how to establish this trust again. Good to hear from you - stick around and write

[dawgy]

Well Tenbook she has expressed remorse in several ways even in apology but she continues to be distant much of the time .And Turn good to hear you are still hanging tough .I have felt attraction for her when she is kind and like her old self , but when she is distant I feel very sad and angry at the same time . I really dont know what to do . Ive thought about just getting it over with and telling her to loeave , but it would take years to heal from it . I know i can stay with her but I believe she doesnt think it will work

[Sotto]

Hi Dawgy, from your signature, are you still not quite sure if OM is in the picture somewhere? It strikes me that, even if the A has ended it is still relatively recent, and it does take time (and DBing) for re-attraction to happen again.

Have you read Onguard's thread in infidelity? He and his W are piecing now, but it was a while after her A ended before she began to show proper interest in the M again.

When your W is distant, and you feel sad and angry, are you managing to maintain a PMA around your W? Are you also managing to get out and GAL?

[gogofo]

Im looking for opinions on what my next move may be . As far as trying to rekindle some feelings.

My opinion is do nothing to try to rekindle some feelings. Keep working on yourself. I think it is way too early to try working on your marriage and I think with her being a wayward wife she has a lot of work to do on herself before she can get on board with you and try to fix the M.

She needs to feel your loss, my XW never did, and it is something that a WW needs to feel. If you are still there for her you are her support while the OM can be her fun.

I think if you set boundaries with her you need to stick to them and stand up for yourself. She will see you differently and respect you. Not at the time, she will likely kick and scream, but she will respect you. Women seem to admire men who stick by their guns (from what I read).

[dawgy]

Well guys the A ended back in Dec but i believe it rekindled and ended again several times since . Some days I truly see a light and other days its very very dim . Still a rollercoaster . Funny thing is , I know I can forgive and forget in time . I know I can . I still have deep love for my old wife . The new woman she is most of the time is not someone Id ever be with . We she acts like her old self , I just want to hold her and never let go .
To the detriment of my own health though this whole mess seems like a mountain to big to climb . And If I get to the top is the view gonna be worth the work ? This last !4 months have been brutal on my mind and body . GALing is the only way to maintain any sanity for sure

[sandi2]

She doesnt seem to want it or at least she doesnt say so . Any way its not about her . My question was what can I do to be attracted to her again .

*****************************************************************

Well guys the A ended back in Dec but i believe it rekindled and ended again several times since .

Whenever a LBH tries to do something to rekindle the attraction from his WW, it usually means he is going to apply emotional pressure on her. You don't mean to do it, and probably can't even tell that's what you're doing, but it is. My advice is to be the most attractive you can be, and the rest is up to her and nature. Are the two of you spending time together as a family? If so, describe the interaction. Are you sleeping in the MBR?

Second part to this is, your WW has been back and forth in this A since December......so it hasn't been long enough for her to have fully withdrawn from the addiction of the A. In fact, you don't even know for certain that she's not still in contact, right?

I can't remember exactly how long it took me to completely get through the withdrawal, but it took at least four months of very hard withdrawal. That was with absolutely NC or backsliding, so just think about how long it could be if she's been in and out.

Here's the thing, based on what you've described, she seems just a bit too contented for things to stay the same, don't you think? She is either still in the A (at least emotionally), still going through withdrawals and has no romantic attachment for you, or she's at that point of depression and feeling empty/dead. Perhaps she has given up ever having a fulfilled MR again and she's trying to just focus on her and the kids for now.

Has she had any counseling since December? Has anything been said, from her, about staying in the M? She doesn't talk about leaving?