mleigh ... like you .. I am/was a total 'Fixer/Pleaser' and I think working on this helped. One of the things I discovered was the after affects. Take last year for example, W's Bday and she told me OM was out of the picture, so I 180'd and booked a trip up to SB for the weekend, she loved the idea, and we had a good time .. I will not say great because looking back she was still all about OM, turns out he forgot her Bday or never knew .. who knows but thats was what happened. I swooped in and did the Fix/Please thing. Then I was upset at how I was treated after ... why? I felt taken advantage of ... but if you look at it from above, she did not ask for any of my actions, I did them thinking I was fixing/pleasing ... in other words I had expectations ... I realized I should only be upset at myself.
Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Thing is, it's hard for me. I love helping people and doing things for people. I feel like I am being difficult when I stand my ground or say no. Especially to my H. I am aware he is going through a tough time and that would be the only way I could "help" him, by cooperating with his every wish. But enough is enough and I see where they start to take advantage. Of course , if we need to switch nights with S, I am totally open to that and always have been, I may need the favor returned......
^^ See?? you and I have the same issue to adress. We can not fix this nor help them. Its their journey. I picture someone drowning and if we get to close they just pull us down with them. Its horrible to see them suffer and your instinct is to help your spouse, but by helping here its more like enabling them. They have to hit bottom, and THAT seems to be a different spot/point for everyone.
I think the whole deal on switching nights ... well what I did anyways, I was always very open to taking S more nights, the more the better. Part of me figured ... sure he and I can work on our R more, I can be the solid rock, awesome father ... W can do what she wants, the more she does her thing, spends more time with OM, spends more time alone, has time away from the people who actually care about her unconditionally ... the faster the process will go, HOWEVER ... there were times I had to say no, took the approach of .. this is what you asked for .. this is what you get, I have plans and I will not FIX your wants nor help you cake eat. Its a fine line to balance, it really is ... trust your gut, whatever you decide to do just do it from a place where you are good with things regardless of what H id doing.
