Card29 XI - Journey

[Card29]

Hi Mozza,

Thanks for weighing in with your honest feelings

Thanks for the update, as always. So your take on people who leave their relationship (was sis' friend married?) for an A is that it can happen to anyone and you don't judge? I'm surprised. I don't know that I could be so generous.

- She was not married, was dating a guy for 5 years and voiced her desire to be married for the last 4 years of the R.

- Yes, I think it could happen to anyone, or at least most people, given the wrong circumstances. As I've mentioned, I had an EA 2 years ago (albeit a mild one...the OW might not even know we did, I don't know). If OW hadn't moved away, who knows what would have happened.

- I don't judge her just as I don't judge my WW. I'm not saying either of them weren't wrong. They were. So was I. They should have ended their R's/M's first, but in reality that rarely happens. I should have done the research on marriage that I did when she left. Etc.

- I'm also not saying I'm ignoring what she did. Since that A ended, she has been learning about herself, which is all you could hope for. And although she's been on some dates, she has been single for going on 4 months now with no definite end in sight. She doesn't want an R again until she knows she's ready, until she can "trust herself again". Bottom line, though, just like my WW, she was emotionally starved, and met a guy who filled what had been a void in her for years.

What makes you think sis' friend is not more prone to it than the average person?

- You could ask the same thing about either of our WW's. But if I was announcing that WW and I were attempting to R, would you have asked it? Maybe I have a different perspective since I went through the EA. I know what it's like to be miserably unfulfilled for years on end, then to feel a spark with someone you think is "the one". Back then, I thought the exact same words that WW told me, that sis's friend told me last night, and that I've read on here dozens of times: "I thought I ("she" or "he" when read from the LBS perspective here) would have been the last person on Earth to have an A. I can't believe I ("he"/"she") did this." I also had this thought (about 12 months before STBX started her A): "NOW I understand how someone could have an A." Previous to that, I thought you just had to be a terrible person.

What I perceive is that both of you see the hurdles to a R, but are very attracted to each other at the same time, so you're willing to overlook them.

I disagree with this statement. For one, we aren't blindly in love with each other. I definitely was in that phase a few months ago, but I'm much more "detached" from sis's friend now. I still think she is as "perfect" for me as I could imagine. We click on micro and macro scales. Micro- Last night we went to dinner at 7 and we talked until the restaurant closed, then talked for another hour at her house. And only the last hour or so was about "us". Most of the convo was lively yet casual. In her words, "easy", as it always is with us. Macro- From what she's shared, we have eerily similar dreams. Like we both want a 2 week backpacking trip in Europe for a honeymoon. I learned that about her a couple of weeks ago, yet I've thought for years and years that that would be my "dream" honeymoon. But we are both very level-headed right now. I've been on a couple of dates with other girls the last 2-3 weeks, just having fun. I'm not obsessed with anyone, including her.

Also, we aren't overlooking the hurdles. Right now we agree that there is only one remaining hurdle - she is not ready for a serious R yet. And we agreed last night that we should not be anything more than friends until she feels like she is ready, and then only IF we both still want to date at that point. No promises or timelines were made last night. Neither of us see D2 or her BFF relationship with my sister as hurdles, just factors to consider and respect.

I think that handling an eventual break-up would be more difficult than you anticipate because you'd have a messenger in between and multiple opportunities to meet. You'd run into each other's new significant others.

- It can't go any worse than what happened with WW. Even if the same situation happened again, I can't imagine it being harder on me, so I would know that I'd been through it before.

- I see STBX all of the time, and I'm even starting to see her BF on a more normal basis. I am totally unaffected. I am also still relatively close to her family. I hung out with STBX, SIL, BIL, etc. a few weeks ago. I'm love all of them. Really, what's the difference between STBX-SIL and sis's-friend-and-sis? On top of that, my sister and her friend are wayyy more forgiving than STBX and SIL. I say that honestly, calmly and lovingly. STBX and SIL just aren't very forgiving. They would agree, and STBX has told me as much before. SIL still writes hate mail to their dad's "OW" from 20 years ago. I'm not even trying to saying sis's friend and sis are better people, I'm just speaking facts about their forgiveness qualities.

- If sis's friend and I broke up eventually, without kids together, I would probably see her once or twice a year. I would get over it. And if we did have kids, I can't see the difference in the sitch with STBX. The last 4 months have been 4 of the best of my life, and it has nothing or little to do with sis' friend. Would there be pain in a breakup? Of course. That risk exists with any woman I enter a committed R with.

And if you eventually R with WW, then it will be very awkward to meet her with your sis. I surely wouldn't want my WW's ex around if we R.

- I no longer have a desire to R with STBX. I care about her, I even love her, like I love my SIL or something. But not only have my feelings for her died down, I also see it as a battle to make it work. I was never madly in love with STBX, even when we first dated. I (rightfully) broke up with her 6 months into us dating, but I felt so bad that I got back together with her and just tried to force it to work between us. Yes, M's are hard work, but having a natural connection, significant things in common, make the work much more enjoyable to do. STBX and I just don't have that connection, never have. And the only reason to fight to make that disfunctional R work at this point would be D2. And I now realize that D2 is going to be fine. We have a very good start to our coparenting relationship.

I sound skeptical, but I want is to give you an external perspective, from the little that I know. I also don't believe it will have any effect, because I know how attraction feels like.

I do really appreciate your words! I obviously know that my emotions are factoring into my thoughts. I'm a human, and I don't want to enter a R without emotions (like I did with STBX). I always strive to be objective, though, so I carefully read your words and considered them. You did force me to think a little more deeply about her A, and I appreciate your pointing that out and forcing me to think. It makes me even more comfortable to hold off indefinitely from dating her because she really does need more time for self-reflection. Time is the biggest factor in figuring that out.

Thanks as always, Moz!!