I know there are no guarantees but.....

[Mozza]

I'm glad what I wrote to Bravo61 a while back resonates with you. I had forgotten the quote myself, but not the message. After all the pain I went through, and her new R, I'm not all that sure anymore that I still think our M had to go through this if it was ever to continue. It feels overkill for what we had to fix. But then again, maybe I'm too hurt right now and one day I'll see it for what it is. In my case, the D is also an opportunity to solve many problems in my life, even if it's a painful way. I try to see it that way.

I know I need to work on ME and I am but I one of the other major reasons I am here is / was to try to save my marriage or get my wife back somehow. Am I missing the point? Is it too late since the divorce is final? Do I need a smack with a 2 x 4?

You cannot save your M directly. You can stop the damage and then you can give your M a second chance by bettering yourself. Stop the damage by stopping everything that is off-putting to your XW. Then attract her back, maybe, by being a better man. But you have to really, really be a better man. Right now, you're burning with pain so you're absolutely certain that things have changed in you. But really, if she were back and C or XW started to push your buttons again, would you react differently? For how long? We all have a lot of work to do on ourselves and it takes time to take hold. It does when you've implemented your changes without a care for whether she'll ever want you back.

(BTW, fathers-in-law are called FIL on this forum and I think it would be simpler if you adopted this known code, rather than creating C as your own)

Mozza-- I read through your whole story and yes it has some definite similarities. I feel for you as we (all) are going through a rough patch with this and I commend you for taking the initiative to help others while you are going tbhrough your own trials and tribulations.

Thanks for reading my story. I believe that we all "get" different parts of DB better than others. For me, it's about no pursuit and attraction: it all seems clear to me, more than to newcomers. On the other hand, I'm no good at detachment and can't quite help others on it yet. I can tell that some are good at GAL, at coparenting, at forgiving, etc. Over time, you'll realize that certain things come easy to you as well, while you struggle with other parts of DB.

(Quick question and I am relatively new to navigating this site but your posts about yourself seemed to end around Oct 2014 or did I miss the next link somewhere?? I have searched but I dont see a continuation of that same named thread??)

Yes, I have continued and I just finished my 11th thread. To find them click on my name, choose "View Posts" and then at the top right there is a link to "Topics created". You'll also see that I link to my previous threads at the top of each new thread, above the success stories.

I guess what I'm asking is .....now what? IS it over for me since the divorce is final and wasnt busted? What do I do now?? Why does this seem SO easy for her and so hard for me (us?) Why does this keep happening to me...... (yes reading this back I am having a feel sorry for myself day....sorry this week just feels like the bandaide was ripped off and the wound is wide open again.

XFit, I think what you need to learn now is patience. Patience with yourself as you go through the learning and pain. Patience with us as we get to know you. Patience with your XW as she embarks on her own journey. What we can all tell you is that the light at the end of the tunnel is happiness. Right now, it may feel like your XW is the only way to happiness but over time, you'll see other options, including her.