I know there are no guarantees but.....

[Cadet]

LOL I'm not even sure what to do or write now. I know to work on me, to GAL, to be positive, to work on me.....and that time and patience are two things I am going to be very acquainted with. Comments ? suggestions? questions?

#1 Priority right now.

Take care of self.

Crying is OK.

I was a puddle on the floor too so don't feel bad.it happens to the best of us.

you are very suceptable to get sick or have something else go wrong.

My cholesterol went up by over a hundred points.

I have even heard of LBSs dying.
So this is no joke.

[Wonka]

Cadet,

Crying is OK.

I was a puddle on the floor too so don't feel bad.it happens to the best of us.

I think the Hoover Dam had nothing on me in the water works dept.

[Tulo]

Cadet,

Crying is OK.

I was a puddle on the floor too so don't feel bad.it happens to the best of us.

I think the Hoover Dam had nothing on me in the water works dept.

Same here, if I could water the Sahara it would be an ocean by now..

My STBX has cried several times when we have talked previously in our R. Now he seem very closed off and I wish I didn't want for a show of affection from him, cause it doesn't seem to be happening again..

[XFit14]

So yesterday ....well...I got through it. That's about the best I can say. I feel numb. I was dealing with this all pretty well in terms of the separation, new house for us both, getting things setup, bought, hung on walls, painting....all the stuff that goes along with getting settled.....unfortunately alone. It at least took my mind off things a bit. I like the store Hobby Lobby. It's a great place (here in this state) to find things to hang on the wall, art, framed sayings, frames etc etc. You get the point. The worst aisle to walk down is the one that talks all about relationship sayings. All the family ones just sting because we had that stuff up on our walls at our recently sold dream house.

I may be wrong in this statement but I know this site is called divorce busting and well....my divorce was final this week. So....... I know I can still implement the techniques and such but there is nothing to stop any longer...it is done. And, from what I have gathered....without really even trying, is that she is seeing someone already. Once my son gets his license (next month) there wont really be a reason to stop b y the house ( dont take that wrong...I am not stalking or driving by. I dont need the extra pain of seeing abnother truck in the driveway in the middle of the night. I have been over there briefly three times and two of those were to pick up my step son) to see or pick him up because he will be able to drive to my place and meet me when we go riding and this further decreases any chances of seeing my (now) ex and of us having any contact. I know I need to work on ME and I am but I one of the other major reasons I am here is / was to try to save my marriage or get my wife back somehow. Am I missing the point? Is it too late since the divorce is final? Do I need a smack with a 2 x 4?

Mozza-- I read through your whole story and yes it has some definite similarities. I feel for you as we (all) are going through a rough patch with this and I commend you for taking the initiative to help others while you are going tbhrough your own trials and tribulations. You posted something that really hit home and I need to go back and try to find it and when I do I will comment on it. I appreciate the input you have given me so far. (Quick question and I am relatively new to navigating this site but your posts about yourself seemed to end around Oct 2014 or did I miss the next link somewhere?? I have searched but I dont see a continuation of that same named thread??)

I know I am not the only one going through this although it feels like only my world is falling apart right now. I am at work, fuctioning, eating, somewhat sleeping, working out and doing some activites with friends when the schedule permits. I know patience and time are required which is tough in this case for obvious reasons. I know I have to furether detatch emotionally because I do think about her and this other guy she is dating and what I am missing etc. I miss my step son but have to be careful not to overdue it with him as then it appears fake or forced.

I guess what I'm asking is .....now what? IS it over for me since the divorce is final and wasnt busted? What do I do now?? Why does this seem SO easy for her and so hard for me (us?) Why does this keep happening to me...... (yes reading this back I am having a feel sorry for myself day....sorry this week just feels like the bandaide was ripped off and the wound is wide open again.

(I happened across another story where 25yearsmlc was posting and I really liked what he was posting in response. I tried sending a message to ask for him /her to read my story also but I dont seem to be able to do that. Can anyone advise how to get in contact with spomeone to do that?)

I happened across

[XFit14]

Mozza this is what I was talking about. You were responding baack to Bravo61-----

Bravo61 - Thanks a lot, I'm glad my words were of some comfort to you. We're going through very similar experiences. I would just frame your offer somewhat differently. We shouldn't ask our wives to go "back" anywhere. We should offer them a way forward, a fresh start. I know my wife is looking for something simple and easy and is completely daunted at the idea of working on our M. She won't hear a word of it. When she left, I told her that our relationship was over: either we go our separate ways or we have a brand new relationship. It was probably too pushy at the time, by DB standards, but I believe it was the right message. Another thing I tell her is that our R needed this step if it was ever to continue. Let's see if we meet on the other side of it. I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but it was the best I could think of at the time.

____Not all of thsat applied to me but what you said aboiuit the relationship really made sense and hit home as a positive way of looking at this and the chance to meet on the other side

[Cadet]

(I happened across another story where 25yearsmlc was posting and I really liked what he was posting in response. I tried sending a message to ask for him /her to read my story also but I dont seem to be able to do that. Can anyone advise how to get in contact with spomeone to do that?)

I happened across

25yearsmlc is a woman who is a success story here.
Do you know how to find her posts?
She is a huge believer and proponent of DB!
Private messaging is not allowed on this board.

Lost14 you are in the grieving process right now,
I have been where you are too.
Don't run away from the grief, cause right now I am
sure it feels like your ex is dead and for the moment
that might be the best way to think about it.

This has all been very sudden and shocking.

Do you know what the stages of grief are?
Can you recognize them in yourself?
What you need is a plan to get better, for YOU!

Here is the nice part of this,(I know you are thinking what is Cadet trying to say, sounds like another Gift)

YOU get to decide what your life is going to look like going forward.
You are broken and bombed in a heap on the bottom of a huge pit.
You will need to get up, dust yourself off, and start climbing out of that pit.
No one can tell you what route to take or when to do it.
However it is what you must do.

It is OK to wallow for a little while and be a victim,
eventually you need to start moving forward again.


OK?

[XFit14]

Cadet,

Yes I have figured out how to find people's posts on here and I wiull read 25yearsmlc's story (Thank you for the info). I put in to have my name changed froiim lost14to XFit14 because it was suggested that mine is too generic and is also similar to someone ese's. If/when it does change please dont lose track of me Cadet.....Please!

I do not know the stages of grieving but I know there are stages. I will look into those today as it is my Friday and I plan on spending the night doing some reading.

Cadet (and others) please dont get frustrated with me either. I feel like Im drowning a bit right n ow and I am trying to process and absorb all this as well as take care of myself and implement the techniques etc. What I mean is....I know I am asking a lot of the same questions and searching for the why's to questions no one can answer but her (Ex). If she even has a reason. I'm not trying to giove anyone reason to roll their eyes at me or say I'm not getting it. I am gettingh a LOT of it. I'm just having trouble grasping some of the reasons this is happening even though inside I know I was responsible for her wanting to leave. It was fixable though. But one of the biggest hurts is that it seemed SO EASY for her.....wow!!! maybe she didn't love me that much after all...... sobering thought.

Cadet I appreciate you saying this -----YOU get to decide what your life is going to look like going forward.
You are broken and bombed in a heap on the bottom of a huge pit.
You will need to get up, dust yourself off, and start climbing out of that pit.
No one can tell you what route to take or when to do it.
However it is what you must do.----

I understand this and I get it. Thank you for saying it oor putting it in print so I can refer back to it.

[Cadet]

I put in to have my name changed froiim lost14to XFit14 because it was suggested that mine is too generic and is also similar to someone ese's. If/when it does change please dont lose track of me Cadet.....Please!

GUESS WHAT!

You have already 180'ed your name.

GREAT JOB

[XFit14]

LOL I literally JUST saw it.

[Mozza]

I'm glad what I wrote to Bravo61 a while back resonates with you. I had forgotten the quote myself, but not the message. After all the pain I went through, and her new R, I'm not all that sure anymore that I still think our M had to go through this if it was ever to continue. It feels overkill for what we had to fix. But then again, maybe I'm too hurt right now and one day I'll see it for what it is. In my case, the D is also an opportunity to solve many problems in my life, even if it's a painful way. I try to see it that way.

I know I need to work on ME and I am but I one of the other major reasons I am here is / was to try to save my marriage or get my wife back somehow. Am I missing the point? Is it too late since the divorce is final? Do I need a smack with a 2 x 4?

You cannot save your M directly. You can stop the damage and then you can give your M a second chance by bettering yourself. Stop the damage by stopping everything that is off-putting to your XW. Then attract her back, maybe, by being a better man. But you have to really, really be a better man. Right now, you're burning with pain so you're absolutely certain that things have changed in you. But really, if she were back and C or XW started to push your buttons again, would you react differently? For how long? We all have a lot of work to do on ourselves and it takes time to take hold. It does when you've implemented your changes without a care for whether she'll ever want you back.

(BTW, fathers-in-law are called FIL on this forum and I think it would be simpler if you adopted this known code, rather than creating C as your own)

Mozza-- I read through your whole story and yes it has some definite similarities. I feel for you as we (all) are going through a rough patch with this and I commend you for taking the initiative to help others while you are going tbhrough your own trials and tribulations.

Thanks for reading my story. I believe that we all "get" different parts of DB better than others. For me, it's about no pursuit and attraction: it all seems clear to me, more than to newcomers. On the other hand, I'm no good at detachment and can't quite help others on it yet. I can tell that some are good at GAL, at coparenting, at forgiving, etc. Over time, you'll realize that certain things come easy to you as well, while you struggle with other parts of DB.

(Quick question and I am relatively new to navigating this site but your posts about yourself seemed to end around Oct 2014 or did I miss the next link somewhere?? I have searched but I dont see a continuation of that same named thread??)

Yes, I have continued and I just finished my 11th thread. To find them click on my name, choose "View Posts" and then at the top right there is a link to "Topics created". You'll also see that I link to my previous threads at the top of each new thread, above the success stories.

I guess what I'm asking is .....now what? IS it over for me since the divorce is final and wasnt busted? What do I do now?? Why does this seem SO easy for her and so hard for me (us?) Why does this keep happening to me...... (yes reading this back I am having a feel sorry for myself day....sorry this week just feels like the bandaide was ripped off and the wound is wide open again.

XFit, I think what you need to learn now is patience. Patience with yourself as you go through the learning and pain. Patience with us as we get to know you. Patience with your XW as she embarks on her own journey. What we can all tell you is that the light at the end of the tunnel is happiness. Right now, it may feel like your XW is the only way to happiness but over time, you'll see other options, including her.