Everything seems to be progressing forward in a good manner. 8 weeks ago, I would have constantly been wondering what is going on in her mind. What she was thinking? Me trying to mind-read to figure out what she was thinking and then having to ask if I was correct. Now, I just simply do not do that. A definite 180.
In my line of work, I get paid to deliver news to various audiences in a 'good' way. I get paid to make sure that people feel OK with news being delivered, even if it is bad news. I think some of the skills I have to use in my job bled over into my M. When talking with my W, I always made things seem fine. I always did everything I could to keep things where they did not impact her. Even if it was something she was responsible for, I would do everything I could to 'fix' the problem. I'm a fixer at my job, so I was the 'fixer' in our M.
I have noticed that I have a direct impact on the push and pull in any R in my life. DBing has allowed me to think of this in a clear manner. Sure, I always knew that I impacted relationships, but I have began to realize just how much too much push or too much pull can destroy a R.
I think, in my M, there was a pull away with my W, which I dealt with for quite some time. Then, I began pushing, and she pulled even more. I have to catch myself while talking to my W now when she is talking about problems at work, problems with friends, problems with family, etc. In the past, I would offer my opinions on how she could fix it. Now, I don't offer that advice unless specifically asked by her (which is never). She has a problem at work? I understand why you would feel that way, etc., validate her feelings. It is amazing how doing something like that leads to her opening up.
It may be a placebo effect. It may simply be because I am grasping at straws. However, in my mind, our interactions are better. I feel like she is more open to communicating with me and I am more open to listening. Maybe that is the difference, the way that I listen. Again, DBing is focused on doing things to change ourselves. By changing the way I approach our conversations, it feels as though our conversations and interactions are better. Again, I'm not saying that we are in the clear and everything is A-OK. I'm only saying that by changing the way I approach conversation with my W (rather than focus on how I can help, I focus only on listening and validating), it changes the expectations I have during that conversation.
Again, I am focusing only on myself.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
