Back again, advice needed..

[Zues126]

"he's got no more feelings and doesn't know why, stuff like that just happens"

Funny, we know the answer, it's just so hard. You SO WANT to say "well, I get that you feel that way, but I have another model in which feelings follow the interactions, how we treat each other...and if we aren't happy with our feelings, we can learn a new dance together in which we can find ways for those feelings to come back...and if you don't believe I'll ever be able to dance differently, trust me, I'm ready to try, and it's so worth it..."

But while DB has saved many M's, I guarantee you that the speech above isn't responsible for ANY of them!

Instead, all you can do is validate. He KNOWS you don't feel the same. No words from you about what you think. Just validate.

If you are reading my original thread you'll see I pasted a copy of the letter I wrote my STBX shortly after BD. I hand wrote it, at the advice of my DB coach. It was a "mission statement" if you will. DB coach told me to make sure all my behavior matched that perspective going forward. I think it has for the most part.

But frankly I don't think you're in a spot to express that without getting hooked in. I'd just STFU and listen. Nod. "I can see how difficult that has been. I don't pretend to know how that felt but I do know for you to be here you've felt too awful for too long. I understand you don't believe it can be any different, and why then you'd need to go a different direction".

Honestly if you can STFU you'd be amazed at how little you'll need to say. He's not really looking to hear you talk.

Look- on a 1-10 scale how much do you want to express your feelings? And how excited are you about hearing his? Were the answers, 10, 1? He feels the same. He wants to express his feelings, and not be distracted or guilted by yours. UNDERSTANDING IS A GIFT. Don't try to force him to understand you. Just try for a moment to understand him. So let him do 99% of the talking. Just sit there, nod, and allow him to feel heard. Don't even worry about making sure he knows you don't agree. He knows. Just STFU. Seriously. No talking. If he questions you just be slow, short answers, need to think, "sorting through a lot, just wanted to hear how you're doing and wish you well..."