Back again, advice needed..

[Zues126]

you still feel it's impossible for me to make any kind of option for him to want to try it some more? Or am I just shooting myself in the foot?

Feels like my foot is pretty much all blown anyway, so it doesn't matter at this point..

Do you think it's any possibility what so ever for me to EVER get him back? Or is any hope for that at this moment just self deception? I feel like I want to focus on what love is and for me it's giving, but at the moment I'm into the not getting the chance to even try part so maybe I'm just so out of wack that it's not even funny.

DB is counterintuitive. There is a push/pull dynamic going on. Read the passion trap, or just google it and read the amazon reviews even. Bottom line, there is a debate going on in his heart. He's weighing out both sides of the debate. He's not sure which side to believe. But then you come in and start explaining all of the reasons to stay. All the "pros". So then, for him to feel like he has truly weighed the issue, he has to reply with all of the "cons". The problem is YOU JUST FORCED HIM TO THINK OF ALL OF THE REASONS TO LEAVE.

Crazy, isn't it? But it's true. I am a 15 year sales professional and have trained hundreds of sales people in my day. What I've learned is to NEVER try to "sell" someone on a solution...what I typically do is talk through the pros and cons with them so they can feel both sides were represented. Then if it makes sense they do business. If not they won't. Doesn't sound like a super slick sales guy...until you realize that most people lose a TON of sales by trying to pressure people that would've bought on their own terms. Better to allow the people that need your service to move forward, part as friends with those that don't, and reinvest that energy into finding new prospects that might be a better fit.

OK, I got carried away. But it's the same principal. You can't do anything to sell him.

Will he ever come back? I don't have a crystal ball. What I can tell you is that you can't do anything to make him come back. You can only do things to keep him from coming back.

One thing is that people don't come back to M's unless they believe they can be different. My rule is you can't TELL him anything, you can't even SHOW him. You have to let him discover it on his own. So if you change, he'll have to notice it subtly in his own time. If you try to make sure he sees the changes, he'll think it's an act or manipulation.

Do I think he's got another woman? He very well might. Many men do. But he might not. It does and it doesn't matter. If you find out he has an OW then it does matter because once HE KNOWS that YOU KNOW, you have to quickly adjust your behavior to enforce some boundaries. But as long as it's uncertain, you are free to operate as if he doesn't, and it really doesn't matter much. Here's why-

OW seems like a super betrayal, but honestly leaving is the real betrayal. How soon he rebounds, whether he starts drinking, working out, buying a sports car, hanging out at bars, etc, etc...he'll be spinning, medicating, and making poor choices. I know OW seems very personal, especially when he's talking to her about you and she's "comforting" him about the way you treated him...but really it's no different than if he started drinking too much. It's just a shallow medication, you should feel sorry that the man you love is struggling with that type of temptation, that he was depressed enough to grab at a quick fix over a healthy M.

I wish I could tell you more right now, but this is already too long. For now:

1. Don't worry about OW. Cross that bridge if you come to it.
2. Forget about convincing your H to return. You can't do ANYTHING to change his mind directly with words or short term actions.
3. REREAD THE 37 RULES DAILY ***AND*** BEFORE ANY INTERACTION WITH H. DO NOT BREAK THEM NO MATTER WHAT YOUR FEELINGS TELL YOU.
4. Refocus on yourself. Read DR again. Set some PERSONAL goals (i.e., goals YOU control the outcome of, such as your behavior, how YOU will react to situations differently). Plan some GAL.
5. Have faith. Truly. Faith that it will be ok.
6. Spend some time being appreciative each day for what you have. If you tell God you can't be happy without your H you're basically saying "I don't care that you gave me life, family, beautiful days to enjoy, gifts to share with the world, food to eat, friends that care about me, and many years of adventure ahead...I want my R back with my husband right now and I don't get it none of this is any good and I don't want it and I think you stink". When you look at it it's pretty childish. No, I didn't want to lose my M. But I always felt if I couldn't be appreciative with what God had given me without my M, having my STBX wouldn't change anything anyway because I've established myself as an ungrateful brat that will find a way to be dissatisfied no matter how miraculous my life is.

I can't tell you you'll get him back. I can't tell you you won't suffer. I can't tell you there isn't a lot of pain in the world, and unfathomable losses. But I can tell you that the universe is all good. Take care and find a moment of peace today.