Interesting again to see you a few steps ahead of me. I haven't had this feeling of "being family" alone with the kids, even though we do a lot of stuff. It still feels like a temporary period.
Yeah, I think that's what took me back tonight. It was almost like I 'forgot' that WW was not there until I had the realization at the end. I have to say, when I posted a few hours ago, I was a mess and probably cried for the first time in a week or two; but it passed much quicker and I feel a whole lot better. Progress.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
I sometimes wonder what WW would think if she realized that I think so much about the sitches. In many ways, my feelings have calmed down but not changed. If anything, as the magnitude of the consequences is hitting me, I increasingly feel that it would have been so much easier to fix things. It's like day 1.
Yep, I agree. I'm there to. It seemed like I was 'moving on' at first but I'm guessing its actually being detached because my objective in the long run is the same. I've just accepted that may not be what is meant to be.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
In your dream, she asks you if this thing is repairable. I thought: "No MCS, she is not wondering if YOU think it's repairable, she knows you think so. She is wondering if she wants to repair it." And then I remembered that it applies to my sitch and all those dialogues in my head with WW about how this is repairable are pointless, they do not even address the issue.
Yep, good point. I don't know what triggered this. I wonder if was a couple weeks back when I finally told her that I didn't want her back if this is who she is. It was true, but it caught me by surprise that I said it.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
For BIL, yes it's better that you let her come to you. She'll choose if she wants your input and support. Plus, she might be uncomfortable when she realizes that you know and that will open a whole new can of worms.
Yeah, that's what my DB gut is saying to me also (my old approach would be to call her right away.) Plus, I can tell she's trying to hold onto every piece of me still being 'in her life' as the reason she's still unhappy. Bringing this up would probably make her think I'm still trying to 'get back' into her life.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
As I wrote, I registered for an online dating site. My objective was to just confirm that "I was not alone" of people in similar sitchs.
I was going to be all dating site 'lurker,' w/o making any moves at all just seeing what was out there and maybe find some folks to hang out with socially. But I guess when you "like" a profile it emails that person. uhhh...oops.
So I got a reply seemingly out of the blue and we started to strike up an (email) conversation. It didn't take long to see that both of us were still not secure with our sitchs, even though we haven't talked about anything particular about them; just that we both 'suddenly' found ourselves on a dating site and not really sure where we are or what our next steps were.
I wouldn't say that this complicates anything at all right now, its just nice to have some companionship. We both pretty much stated we were just trying to meet new people to talk to. Plus, there's >60 mile difference in our locations.
Here's the only thing that concerns me about it. I've been an open book to my close friends about my sitch; telling them just about anything that happens (its how I deal) but for this (registering on the site and now with contact) I see myself clamming up and keeping quiet about it. I'm not sure why. I guess it is out of my comfort zone and all, but I'm trying to figure out if its something else. Is it something subconsciously that I'm struggling with and am not honest with myself...like:
-Maybe I do want to move on; but I don't want to tell myself that -Maybe this is my first step to a 'date' but I'm acting like its not -Maybe I feel somewhat hypocritical that I'm DBing and standing for our M; but am looking for a connection outside it (yeah, this one to a much lesser extent. WW made it clear she doesn't want to talk with me)
I've talked to my closet friend about the site, but can't seem to say anything about talking with someone.
Anyone got any experience with this (I'm sure folks do)
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Okay, so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to link (cadet feel free to pull this if you need to) but this just hit my inbox and is one that I would love to send to all of the WAS's on the board, it's about how you can't rely on others to get you out of your "pit" others can help, but if you are fully dependent on them the rescue is short lived. You have to have faith in God to do it and he will guide the way
You can probably Google "God can get you out of your Pit" tomorrow, it's just too new right now.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/30/1506:09 AM. Reason: Per forum agreement outside links are not allowed
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I have "live" experience, as it's happening now. Like you, I registered a bit by accident, after clicking on an ad, but I recognize that I entered my info and completed my profile. I'm also emailing back and forth with someone and I just offered her to meet. I understand that she's also just out of a R and is not looking for something too serious.
My take on dating is a little different from yours, as you know. I'm mostly comfortable with the idea. I don't see it as an impediment to R and, controversially I know, I even see it as potential help. Dating and hoping for R are not mutually exclusive to me, so don't think that your interest in dating necessarily means you don't want to R anymore.
As for your true intentions, I'd tell you to watch your actions to know what you want. To me, the fact that you created the profile and got in touch with this woman tells me that this is what you want. And yes, this is your first step to a date, even if you don't want to admit it.
I think it's perfectly fine that you don't talk about it with your friends. I've also been an open book on my sitch, but on this I'm hesitant. I did mention it to a few people, and even my parents (who are supportive), but with much more restraint than the rest. I'm still a bit shy about having virtual observers of my dating. By the way, I don't share any description of the women to my close friends who know because I don't want to be influenced by their reactions. Attraction is highly personal.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Making sure that my post contains no "X's" I don't want you to get any ideas.
I agree with Bob, that statement about seeing the changes can been written by any of us. Especially since everyone sees the destruction the WW is causing in their own lives....except themselves (oh no, an X)
As far as detachment, I never ever thought I would get there, I had a run in with WW about taxes a few weeks back in which I did EVERYTHING to try and make it easy and straightforward for her and she still chose to take a different route and change her mind from what we had originally planned. Well when her decision had negative consequences for her; she blamed me. The conversation that followed, she was yelling at me in front of D4. It was so ridiculous because she couldn't even explain how I was anyway responsible for it, when I asked her. She just kind of looked at me. At that point it all clicked in my head....there is no understanding their reason for actions; just understanding how they are reacting to life. It doesn't matter why something happened; their defense is to blame the LBH; even if they themselves can't justify it.
Well, it was the "last straw" of detachment. I would have never thought that I would get there just a few minutes prior. I went on with my evening; with little affect on my attitude. Since then, everything is clearer; the dark cloud seems to be lifted and surprisingly, my fear that I just "wouldn't care about her or our M" did not come true. It's just I finally accepted for myself I can't help her when she doesn't want help.
Hopefully your detachment happens soon, its freeing. Its the unexpected things that may make it happen, like me.
I just love this MCS, so proud of you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/01/1510:18 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Accidentally filling in a dating website profile, incidentally possibly chatting to another mans WW? Hmmmmmmm
Feeling like this should be hidden and secret?
Born and yesterday?
Not me.
Now which other believable stories have I heard recently, oh yes, 2am paperwork in a hotel room with an OM would fit the criterion. You want to check it out, go do it, if you are ready, but be straight with yourself on it.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/01/1510:33 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
As I already wrote: "I recognize that I entered my info and completed my profile". The "by accident" remark refers to the non-premeditated aspect of the registration. I bring it up in regards to how sometimes our actions can be reflective of our inner thoughts before they even reach our conscious mind. As for the "other man's WW", I don't get the reference. I only speak to declared single women and wouldn't dream of getting near someone in a committed relationship. In fact, I made this much clear on my profile.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yes I know that you only want to meet single women Mza and that is your intention. But since an unspecified portion of registered members on these sites are M and disguising that- how do you know?
Do you really believe that WWs would respect your "no M women or those in Rs" statement. Especially if they will not respect their M or R?
I have at least two 'friends' who are in R and on dating sites. They lie.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
But V - how will we ever be in another relationship if we are not willing to risk that possibility? Even if there is R with our WAS, there's always the possibility that they are still seeing someone on the side, no?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I think V is saying that we don't know if the person is a WW or not.
________
Honestly, I didn't know that it emailed when you hit "like." Honestly, I did reply back knowingly.
However, your point of lying is interesting, because one of the things I avoided was anyone who said that they wanted a relationship, 'see where things go,' etc. The marital status was the same as mine 'Currently Separated,' the profile and our correspondence has seemed very much more LBS than WW. No details, but we both have discussed how we couldn't have imagined being on a site like that just a few months ago. Also, there's definitely been some hesitation on both of our parts to understand where we stand in the grand scheme of things and it seems like we are both 'proceeding with extreme caution.' I can keep making up excuses for justifying it, but it very much seems like two folks in similar situations emailing back and forth. However.......
In saying that, what surprised me is my hesitation of sharing this with other people. That's why I posted here because I'm definitely feeling slightly confused that my reaction was this 'keeping it secret.' I will say at one point over the last week, I started to understand how EA's were easy to get into when emotionally there is a void. Again, just me thinking about that caused me to pause for a bit.
Am I being straight with myself? I don't know, I think I am. I think my eyes are wide open ahead of me, but my reaction was different than I expected.
Hmmmm.......
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
