Mr Bond, thanks for your insight, some points valid some not. No I don't believe it's it natural end of the A that me and W had. It's my W cry for help.
MCS. Not sure how to feel, at moment I feel utterly calm, actually calmer and stronger than in months. Just feel that if I talk with the children then they may be able to understand not blame themselves. As I believe is very well documented.
"No I don't believe it's it natural end of the A that me and W had. "
That's what they all say. You're just seeing it from the other side of the fence for a change. I'm sure your exes said the same thing about the two of you when you cheated, but you believed it was "fate", "true love", etc.
Just being upfront and honest with you here. When you heard that all (I would say "most") A's end, did you ever wonder how? They end the way you're going through.
The point is that your W wants to end it because she found someone else, same as what she did with you and her first H. You're not going to be able to get her to "see the light" on your own if she did this before. She has to come to that realization herself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
To start, As people were saying about GB, there are some reasons that folks are confronting you about the A. These folks have been here a long time and there's some systemic traits and behaviors they see in A and the people involved in them that are hard to deal with. My own brother has married his A partner and is struggling to hold his 2nd marriage together after years of dealing with the same issues that he had in his first marriage. So, everyone is well meaning, they are just trying to assess where you are and identify things that you may need to address for yourself. As DBing is about personal growth before R of M
____________ As far as telling the kids. I've struggled with the same thing and seeked the help of the board and a MC. You can go back and read my threads as this has been a common theme during my sitch (WW won't communicate with me)
Here's some of the advice I've received
1) Kids need to be reassured they are always going to be loved
2) Kids understand when there's a dichotomy in what you say and what you do. I.E., don't tell them everything is fine, when they see it's not
3) Kids will not ask questions about the sitch, but normally have ones they want to ask. Ask them how they feel and if they have questions
4) Be honest, but mindful of their age. When mine asked if mommy still loves me, I said I don't know. when asked if I still love mommy, I said yes. When they asked if mommy would come back home, I said I don't know. Etc. you can probably say a little more to the older ones, they probably are more in tune because they're use to friends with parents separated
5) Kids hear and see much more than you think, be careful what you say to others while they are around
6) Above all (and this was the MC advice) do not say anything bad about your WW in front of them. No slander, no talk of OM, etc.
Also, just something to think about. A girl I work with, her parents got divorced when she was 5. She told me at ~18, she pieced everything together and really saw the sitch for what it was W had A. She said both her parents never spoke a word of it, but life experiences opened her eyes
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
In my experience, yes. The thing is that when people have an A, they tend to blame the spouse as being the cause of their unhappiness. So they figure that to be happy, they need to find someone who will "make" them happy. That's BS. No one should rely on another to make them feel happy. That comes from within.
So rather than fixing themselves, the cheater goes and finds someone else. But the "in love" buzz of a new person fades anywhere between a couple weeks to 7 years (there is actually research on this). The cheater then feels that since they are no longer 'in love' with the person they cheated with, they move on someone else to get that 'in love' buzz again.
The way you described your past M and how you deeply fell in love with your current W sounded alot like someone who is on that 'in love' buzz. That doesn't last.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes I see all of that and understand. I am in love with my W as much now as when we met, I have now seen both sides and understand some of each persons feelings, Can't say all. The greater issue is that my W has deep deep insecurities that are now surfacing as the A. Yes I know part of the sitch is my actions and I can see that.
Always a suggestion as to how to fix things (my mind works like this, if I ask someone for help or advice then I either take that info and use it or not. My W however takes that as me imposing my view on her)
W feeling that I did Not let her come to her own decisions.
As she says being to nice, good to her.
Still these actions does not push W into A,
As they say all women love a bad boy...... Time for change :-)
Do you even know how to be a bad boy?
BTW, I hope you won't feel as if anyone is picking on you b/c you had an A and now M to that person. We aren't here to shame anyone, and Lord knows I can't point fingers. Sometimes I may not "sound" to the poster the way I sound in my mind when I'm typing....but the whole point of the board is to support each other and try to help where we can. Thankfully, Cadet can use fewer words to say what I meant.
It takes questions and time to start putting things together, so try to be patient with us as work together. So, back to the quote I pasted above, you said some things that caused me a "ah-ha" moment. Let me share.
There are some cases where it seems the man is just too good to the W and she doesn't appreciate it. In fact, it may appear that the harder he tries to be the "perfect" H to her, the more it turns her off to him. Well, this true....in a sense. Maybe the problem comes in some misconceptions men have of what women want in a man.
We like attention from our H, but give us too much, and we feel smothered. We like for broken things around the house to get fixed ASAP, and really don't care who fixes it, just so it works. But don't even think about fixing us! Don't talk for us and don't think for us.....and do not under any circumstances tell us how we feel.
As able-bodied working women, or those who have a house full of kids, we think it only fair that the H help out. However, if he starts doing it all.......he can say bye, b/c some part of her will leave (interest/attraction, emotionally, sexually, or physically), and usually she becomes worthless with any chores. (Bear in mind, I'm referring to a couple who basically have the same amount of work load and hours on their job.) And why wouldn't she take him for granted? He is doing everything, and she doesn't have to lift a finger. She knows sooner or later, he'll get it done. Funny thing though, instead of really appreciating him, she starts to starts to loose the attraction she once felt. She may start showing a little disrespect in her tone of voice, or something else. In fact, she's likely to acquire a little entitlement attitude. So, yes, with some people... you just can't be too good to them.
When she said you were too nice to her, my first thoughts are that you don't address her being disrespectful toward you. Maybe you are too quick to forgive her when she's treated you awful. We will test our H's. We want a man who will stand up to us, if we get mean or act bad. We want a man who will let us know we are out of line and that he won't tolerate it. Not as though he was lord & master, but b/c he commands respect from those under his own roof.
These things play a part in how the W's feelings change over time. Her passion seems to die out and she has no challenge, so to speak. She disrespects and resents her H.
Your W may have deep issues, IDK. I am not doubting what you said. There does seem to be a pattern for her in R's. She's not the first person who fled her unhappiness b/c she either didn't know how to cope or she didn't want to try and learn. Many people look to another person as the key to their everlasting happiness. The fairy tales may end that way, but not real life. Maybe she doesn't understand that once they go off into the sunset, then the work comes. She's still trying to find prince charming to kiss her and make her dreams come true.
She is in for a world of hurt. All you can fix is yourself. I am so sorry for those four children.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
All makes sense. Got book today so a bit of reading to do.
When I got home from trip, W in marital bed. I Told her that all though I want the marriage and her to be part of it I cannot control or understand what she is doing! what she does and I can not share a bed with her. She moved back to spare room.
