Horrible evening with D12. At one point I even thought she'd left the house but had only gone up to bed. I personally am in a demanding situation at the moment and it's a strain trying to bring home happy family mom under these circumstances. She caught me off guard. She's been really pleasant lately. I don't have a good set of strategies for dealing with entitled behavior. And honestly I couldn't even remember what prompted it all until S9 asked S7.
STBX is out of town on another little pleasure jaunt. I have been sweeping through the house getting it ready to sell. On one hand the bits I've finished look great. It makes me sad we never lived with it looking so well-cared-for because of BD and the aftermath. But then too it looks really impersonal. That is totally part of what D12 finds so upsetting. After she finished her meltdown and I was working on the house I was so tired and wanted to stop, but I have to keep going because time is winding down. And I thought, how much of this rough day would have been avoided if STBX had better life skills?
If wishes were pennies....
Two last things:
1) I found the family scrapbook that I made at the end of BD year. It was beautifully made and pretty much heartbreaking. But looking through it didn't make me cry.
2) I had thought I would clean out the wedding stuff I keep in a chest in my bedroom. But when I looked at it... I couldn't. This marriage may not have been very good, and it certainly ended badly, but it was the defining characteristic of my life for seventeen years. I made plenty of mistakes, but there is a lot about myself that was developed during those years. A lot of growth and good choices. A lot about myself that I like that came to the surface during those years.
Today I told my coworker what I loved about STBX.
He was hard to reach, but when I managed it, he had this inner quality that was just utterly soft and lovable. It made me want to coax it out more often.
He had a smile that was warm and beautiful and utterly sexy. I have not seen it in a very long time. He doesn't look like he can produce it anymore, which makes me sad.
I didn't mention this to my coworker but he was a very good kisser.
D12 keeps telling me to smile, and I feel badly about that. There is SO MUCH work to be done, and so much uncertainty in our life. I try to relax when I get home, spend time connecting with the kids, but they just mob me and talk over one another till everyone ends up yelling, including me. They all want a piece of me at the same time. I want each of them to have some attention from me and I'm so tired and I'm tired of having to nag for what I need.
Speaking of tired... I'm of to bed. Night!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
