Feeling so hopeless

[Lucy105]

Someone asked me in a few messages back, what my part in pushing him to divorce was. I believe a lot of it had to do with when I quit my full time job in 2003. It was an extremely stressful job, and it just got to be so overwhelming for me, I cried there just about every day because of the pressure. We had discussed it, and he was ok with it at that time, as long as I had another job, which I did, but the money was not the same. I don't think down deep he really was ok with it though. After that we moved way out of the area, and then about 7 years after that, moved to where we are now.

I have always had a part time business that I ran from home, up until buying the restaurant. I do feel he has always had resentment for this though,even though he never said anything about not having a full time job.

His job was very hard on both of us, physically for him, and he was working out of town ALOT! I was always alone. Two different times, for a year each time, he was sent to work out of state during the week, and only home on the weekend. It made it so difficult to reconnect in two days, and then he'd have to leave again, it was the big reason we never had kids. Every time it was almost the end of the weekend, I would start to tense up, and get nervous, knowing come Monday morning he was gone again for the week.

When we bought the restaurant, it was not what either of us expected it to be! It was way more involved than either of us thought it would be. After so many years of him being out of town all the time, it began to take its toll on me. He started to get stressed, and was all business, as he should be. He started smoking again, and slowly pushed me out. I was alone ALOT again. I never ever wanted to run it, and respected that he was the boss, and had the final say, but he never believed me, so it was a constant battle, and I just started working from home more, and started my photography business up again.

The last year he started to really change. It was all about having fun with the staff, and the attention from the customers for him. I didn't exist anymore. I got Mr. Cranky all the time, and everyone got the best parts of him.

It seemed to me like I always had to fight for any attention from him. I admittedly did push him.....to much. It was a very hard situation to go through at those
times.

Looking back, I wish I had known about the tools I'm learning now! I have seen literally EVERYTHING that I have been doing wrong. I always felt I was right, and he was wrong. I was unwilling to see another side. I didnt know any other
way at the time.

I know I had a huge roll in this, and this is why I have been unable to feel anger towards him at this point.

Don't get me wrong, he has not been a perfect man to live with, he definitely has some issues as well, but I feel like I'd just be bashing him if I ran through the list. Truth be told, he has been a very supportive husband to me, and I wish I hadn't taken it so for granted. That's why I feel so hopeless........I've completely seen the light, and done a lot of hard work to help guide me to a more positive loving place. I just pray its not to late.

It wasn't all bad, we had a lot of fun times together, and some great memories! But I think a lot of issues have been magnified by the stress and pressure of the restaurant. I honestly feel like he's been in the throws of a midlife crisis for the last year.