Zelda - hang me up to dry

[Zues126]

Wow. That STINKS. And I think putting things down for 24 hours and revisiting makes sense.

I will tell you a story about my NEAR EA. It was 2011, and we had just had our 3rd child. Our M had been bad for years. I felt so neglected, unappreciated, and lonely. We weren't meeting ANY of each other's needs, emotional or physical. We lived separate lives, and did our own things to endure the isolation. I didn't feel she liked me, admired me, or understood me. I told my friend that I felt single, only I couldn't ever date again and had to pay 100% of my income in child support.

Suddenly I was promoted to manager, and at the age of 31 I had a bunch of 24-28 year olds working for me. Half female. They all looked up to me because I was very good at what I did, the man on campus. I was funny. I was successful. They needed my help to be successful and appreciated what I did for them. One woman on my team seemed to really like me, and that's when it began.

I felt so alive when she came around. When she laughed at my jokes I felt so good about myself. I started looking forward to seeing her every day. I started working out more often and trying to dress better. I acted like "friendly co-workers". Coworkers talk about their weekends, right? Coworkers swap CDs to listen to, right? Hmmm...that was when I knew I was in the red zone. NOTE- I never did or said anything that would have betrayed my thoughts. The woman never even knew. But *I* knew. And I knew it was wrong. But I couldn't snap myself out of it. This went on for 2-3 months.

Finally I felt I needed to take desperate measures. I told my W, my boss, and the female employee the struggle I was having all in the same day. I said I would resign my position if I needed to, do whatever it took, but my M came first, and I couldn't stand by and pretend everything was ok.

Given the situation I still feel I handled it the best I could. I wish I was beyond temptation, but I am human.

How easy would it have been for me to have had a few flirty "harmless" exchanges with her? How easy would it have been for me to sweep it under the table had my W asked me about it?

I don't know. But I tell you this. There's not a man around that's more committed to M. There's not a man around that loved his W more than me. There's not a man around that's more determined to do everything I can to grow stronger. And though at this point I'm almost hopeful my STBX doesn't change her mind because it would be easier to get a "re-do" on finding a partner than trying to deal with the mess we have and accepting that my STBX's shortcomings will always be a part of my life...I still intend to let time pass, and be open to what life brings. Because I believe in M that much.

Yet I'm the same species as your H. I too was tempted. I too have sinned in my heart, and there were almost indubidably moments that would've betrayed that to my STBX that knew me so well. I too have a "personality disorder". I too treated my STBX poorly.

We're all human. That's all I'm saying.

I keep thinking of the book "there are no bad dogs". It says there are poorly trained dogs. There are misunderstood dogs. But there are no "bad dogs".

Listen- men are pigs in some ways, we can be selfish, perverted, and insensitive...but we are also big stupid animals that can be loyal, loving, protective, and devoted.

Yes, people are responsible for their behavior. And at some point you have to set boundaries. Maybe even closing the door to the possibility of R in some situations.

But pay attention to how many LBS's declare they were the victim all along and they are better off without their dud of an WAS.

In conclusion, my idea of a W only a fool would leave would be one that has this view of the men in their lives, that of "He was a good guy, I loved him a lot, it's too bad that man couldn't manage his emotions and act maturely because I have boundaries and can't be treated this way...I guess I have to let go." Those that judge, condemn, resent, and reject with attitude...well, I wouldn't feel safe around those types because I'd feel like I can't win and no matter how hard I try I'm just another dumb guy that would probably end up getting punted at some point.

PS- while my STBX has treated me terribly during the M and since BD, I feel that way towards her. "We're both good people, both had a lot of love, both meant well. I loved her. Hopefully we can both do better going forward, if not at least we know it was real while it lasted and we both cared and tried as long as possible. Too bad we didn't have the tools to make it work, too bad she couldn't find an alternative other than walking. Good luck STBX and take care kid." That comes from my spiritual self. Doesn't mean I want to be friends with her. I have boundaries. But that's how I feel more and more.