All, thank you for stopping by. I'll get back with you in a second.
I found a letter from six months of dating my H that has absolutely got me sick with the way I stuck my head in the sand, even that early. I wrote him, where I tried to explain how upset/confused I was with chats I'd found on his computer with an 'old friend'. I'd forgotten all about it until tonight. My H was talking/flirting with a woman he knew from home state - their conversation over the course of the SAME month he was starting to talk about marriage with me - and my notes in the original transcript show that he was 'all about' us and spending all kinds of really loving committed time with me during:
H: 'You know A, that kiss in the parking lot wasn't accidental. (I couldn't tell what month it referenced - before we started dating or a month before when he was visiting.) a: "H, you deserve better than her (me, Z)." ____ "Is Z your ex yet?" "No, she's going through too much now." ------- h: "I just wonder about those fish in the sea, would dating more give me more perspective?" (FOR SIX YEARS HE'S HAD THIS IN THE BACK OF HIS MIND - He mentioned it eagerly during BD) A: "Just keep her guessing. Make her work for you a bit more." ----------- (a week goes by) H: I was talking about proposing with her, but I'm not sure." A: "You know she never did anything nice for you, but relax, it's who you guys are. Sounds like you're both insecure about each other's happiness." ---------------- (a few days letter) H: she drives me crazy, but I think we could be so happy together. (general complaining about me, but tells A that he rarely mentions the good things about me to her either.) "I never respond to Z's IMs. Idk why. I take two steps back, she takes three toward me and then falls off the planet, it's ridiculous." (no real response from A.) ----------------- (week and a half later) H: "Z wrote me an awesome love note and cleaned my whole place!" ----------- (five days later) H: writes general flirty 'hey sunshine' intro and they have light chat. He starts getting rather prying into her bisexual practices. "Come on A, you can tell me, we don't know any of the same people." A: no, I'd rather not. H: A, come on...
So, when I talked to H about this six years ago, he minimized everything, said he was just polling her bc my previous 'open' R had made him curious. And I bought it hook line and sinker and though, oh, that makes sense. H professed his love, he didn't mean to hurt me, that stuff about 'is she your ex yet?' was all taken out of context...and I shut the door on it and didn't think about it again. I was so happy to know it meant nothing. In the letter I wrote him about all of this, I quote,
"I worry that this kind of history is repeating itself and I would never know. That when I'm not around you're putting energy into relationships that will only detract from ours."
I shouldn't have let this be a minimal thing I excused because he was incredibly loving with me and I felt those high highs.
Zues, I want to read your post again tomorrow when I'm not all charged up from this recent re-read - but Idk if anymore I can say H was a good guy. I loved him intensely and made a LOT of excuses - from six months in for this ^ B.S. He had his good sides, but I chose to look the other way and pretend his bad sides were my problem or not that big of a deal - well before he was hurt. I don't want to look at things from a sweet and understanding spot, I've been down that road. I just want to be honest now. And I'll agree, we don't need to label him or his traumas to do that, but I am putting my compassionate rose colored glasses down.
Looking forward to getting to know you, also and getting caught up with you. It means a lot that you, Real and Zephyr have put in the time to hang out with me.
Calibri - thanks for checking in. I'm sorry you continue to be aggravated - you know the drill, detach, yeah? (HA I am one to talk)
Real - I am afraid of wearing out my friends and family, honestly. I talk as much as I can to not do so but get some of this out. I'm on the way to a funeral tomorrow morning. I applied for a major org in my city tonight that has some promise in matching job descriptions, slightly up from lateral move.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
