It's a nightmare. Wake me up 2

[Zues126]

I am SO impressed with how you handled that conversation.

I agree with 25 about the fine line. There's a line between clinging and standing as well. For example, if your spouse is in an open A you have to put up good boundaries.

In my sitch I was the first to hire a L, I filed a legal separation 4-5 months in, and I spurred the D into action in month 9. This was about boundaries.

For every action, there was a reaction. Not to control or punish. But for me to adjust to the new reality. At some point I couldn't be there for 100% financial support. That was a boundary when she asked me to move out...I had to take care of myself because she wasn't looking out for me. When I found out there was OM I withdrew my friendship, I was not going to be emotionally supportive while she was having an affair. When she started acting deceptive in our D process I limited contact to L only or priority kid issues. Again, not emotional, and really not about her at all, just about me handling my sitch the way I felt a strong man should. And I had advice from a DB coach and IC each step of the way for guidance.

At this moment I believe it *MAY* make sense to file a legal separation. This is not a "ploy" to make her think you're moving on. But the danger with the idea of letting her take all the initiative is that you leave yourself open to being taken advantage of. And while $ isn't important in the greater context of M, being taken advantage of doesn't help your cause...it shows that you're needy, not worthy of respect, and actually can ENABLE her by protecting her from the consequences of her actions. You aren't here to punish, but you're not here to enable. She's made her decision. You have to respond the way you must respond.

So I'm not advising you to file separation, but I would advise you reconsider the mindset of hitting the brakes the whole way. The more you resist the more she will need to hit the gas. Push/pull dynamic.

I also think a year is a long time. I wouldn't worry about slowing that down. Besides...I hate to say it, but WAW don't care if they're legally D or not. She will do what she wants to do whether or not she is still legally M. If the legal M meant enough to keep her from dating, etc, she wouldn't be walking away in the first place.

Just a few thoughts. Again, really, really good steps. Keep posting and stay STRONG.