I know there are no guarantees but.....

[XFit14]

Sandi2,

OK I am home now and have some time to devote to the post you left me without distractions and being embarrassed if I tear up somewhat. Again, Don't worry about the timing thing. I was a first, like you said, and didn't really follow the norm with how people typically post so I was putting the cart before the horse and asking questions that made it sound as if I was not going to stick around if I didn't like the answers or that I wasn't going to do the basic work such as read the books. Not true but I can see where you were coming from. We are good!

Yes my history with girlfriends is.....less than ideal. I don't know what it is. I don't pick badly. Im not looking to 'fix' someone or save them. What I mean is I don't go looking for a problem and then am shocked when something happens. The women I have dated, and the one I married, are strong, independent, equal partners along with all the other attributes one looks for in a partner. Several years ago I have one fake cancer....yes cancer ...so she could drive to Vegas once a week to get Chemo and radiation and stay the night because she was too sick to drive. She was seeing a LVMPD guy rather than going to cancer treatments. I don't get it and I can tell you it is very hard .....especially now with my recent divorce....NOT to take it as it has something or everything to do with....me!

I am sorry you went through the mother in law thing. As I said in a post earlier today...I don't understand what motivates people to do some of the things they do to each other. But, beyond that, to do those things to another family member.....who are these people and what is wrong with them. I truly hope Karma is alive and kicking. Yes the problems with us came from outside the marriage as we had very little problems between us (everyone argues at times but the father in law thing was like a festering wound that just would not heal and was getting more and more infected and spreading. And spread it did and infected my whole life!

You are correct. Our dream house is sold and we have both bought and moved into other houses. We did our taxes, split money, divided bills and the only contact (and this is very minimal) is through my stepson. I agree with you that I have a LOT to be angry about but why continue? The divorce is final and she is gone. As far as I can tell from the brief conversation I have had with my stepson and the fact that the same truck has been at her house several times I am pretty sure she has a new boyfriend even if my stepson wont come right out and say it. He is being evasive to spare my feelings I am sure. I am not asking a lot of questions because I don't really want to know and I don't want to put him in the middle. But I am also not an idiot and I can put two and two together. I agree that bitterness is like a cancer and I allowed that to do enough damage already in my marriage and with my stepson. I AM a good man and I was lost for a while amidst the anger and feeling my wife pull away because of it caused more anger and that, of course, didn't help. I am doing, and have done, a lot to change that. This has been a huge eye opener for me in how I was acting and what is important and what isn't. Too late??? To save my marriage yes....but maybe not for the next relationship and maybe, if she ever takes the time to look, for my ex and I. IDK.....

The girls gone wild thing is one of the things that hurts the most. No one cares about what you did (relationship wise or even sexually (most times) PRIOR to marriage. But during and after....it matters. I am trying to look at it as we are done and over and if she gets involved with someone(s) there is nothing I can say about it. I don't believe she cheated on me while we were married but I think she figured that with the divorce pending and the fact that we were living separately that it was ok to start another relationship. I don't know how to feel about that . . . . From her perspective....she was done with our marriage and the divorce date was just an inconvenient last thing that needed to be done. Mentally, emotionally she was already gone since October 2014 and physically since shortly thereafter. I love her for many reasons and I have read and re-read and re-read again your WW and WAW post. I also read this post several times because you seem to have a very insightful look into this and I know it is from a unique perspective. You get where she is coming from to a certain degree. I agree that when she gets done (if ever) with playing the grass is greener game or GGW...that I may not want her back. IDK..... time will tell.

You nailed the guilt right on the head. I feel guilty for not being a better husband, for not realizing that I was pushing her further and further away and basically into the arms of someone else who wasn't mad, didn't have a negative attitude and didn't have drama with her parents. I let her down by not being a better step father to my step son. I feel SO guilty for that. And I know she is filled with guilt about the miscarriages. I have never ever thrown that in her face. It is no ones fault but it does sting. We would be amazing parents. She I an amazing mom with my step son and he has turned out to be an awesome kid that is turning into a phenomenal adult. It hurts even more because every day in my job I see kids living in horrible situations with parents that could care less. They seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and then fail to take care of and love those kids. We begged for the opportunity and prayed and tried and ......three miscarriages. Something else I just ...don't get.

I don't know if I am categorizing this as an affair since I believe that, in her mind at least, we were done so ....why not pursue the next ( I actually found out that her friend, who is also supposed to be my friend, introduced her to the guy she is seeing currently....cool!). I agree with you....she was sad at the relationship with her parents, the state our marriage was in due to my anger and my negative attitude. She wanted away from that and who can blame her? Another thing NOT in my favor is that she has been married twice before and (I don't know all the particulars) she has recovered from those and moved on. So she KNOWS she can make it through and of course it is much easier when YOU make the decision and when YOU have someone else to run to or that is interested in you. It takes away the sting when you feel....desirable to someone. I also agree with the three things you said she is probably feeling. I know she is blaming me...she flat out said I killed our marriage. Why would she EVER want to come back??? (Sorry feeling sorry for myself briefly). I know that love doesn't just stop....it gets suppressed under a lot of other things. You don't choose who your heart decides to love....you can decide not to follow that or make a conscious decision not to pursue or go back to something that is bad...but those feelings are there. I hope that at some point they will resurface in time. I hope that she DID love me because I have had doubts, which of course were caused when she was pulling away due to my anger....the perpetual circle of doom.

So that is where I am right now. It is day 2 of my divorced life. Yesterday I was a MESS....an absolute wreck. As embarrassing as it is for me to admit...I don't think I have ever cried like that. Sobbing uncontrollably is a better description. .... wow.....

LOL I'm not even sure what to do or write now. I know to work on me, to GAL, to be positive, to work on me.....and that time and patience are two things I am going to be very acquainted with. Comments ? suggestions? questions? I feel .....dead inside and then I ache like crazy when I think of her with someone else.