Lost & confused

[Clairee]

He has agreed to everything I've asked without the slightest hesitation. Email, facebook, credit card statements, phone bill, everything. I don't have access to his computer or phone to verify anything because we're in 2 states. But he agreed to not delete anything & said I would have whatever access I felt I needed to move forward. I can't see text messages but I can see the bill & he's had no contact with anyone I don't know. He calls me almost every hour until bed. I can see through his Google account his search & history & I've not see anything out of the ordinary in it. And there's been no charges on any credit card for anything he didn't tell me about, even before all of this & no cash withdrawals. So I don't believe there's a hidden phone anywhere.

Not being able to ask the questions in person adds to my inability to believe they didn't have sex. He did account for his entire night, I asked for step by step, drink by drink details, I wanted nothing left out. Everything that happened before walking through the hotel room door I was able to confirm with other people. It's what happened behind the door only he or the OW can answer & he swears he didn't have sex. I've tried tripping him up, I guess that's the only way I can describe it, with random thoughts or questions & not when we are having serious conversations & he hasn't changed the answer yet. I plan to ask face to face where he can't look away or hide behind a text/phone call. Where I can see his eyes, see his body language. We have one friend he talks to about this & our friend says he swears to him he stopped & couldn't do it. Right now, I'm working off the assumption it did happen. I wasn't there, I have no proof one way or the other & if I'm really going to get passed it, I have to just accept it did & work from there. Otherwise I'm fooling myself with my desire for it not to have happened.

He just had his annual physical for the military so he didn't have any STD or that would've come out. But I did already have this discussion & he maintained he didn't have sex with her or anyone, he said if I needed him to get tested he would do whatever it took to make me comfortable.

My biggest problem is not being able to let myself even think about forgiveness. I don't know how to do that. How do you forgive & move forward? Even if there was no PA it was an EA & I'm stuck on how to move passed that.

Ugh! Nothing in my life prepared me for this kind of crap!