Sandi2, I just finished reading your message and all I can say (right now) is thank you!!! If I didn't know better I would say you had been living in my house because you pretty much nailed everything. Ill write more in a response later but I truly wanted to say thank you for....understanding pretty much everything. I dont know what you do for a living or what your bacckground is but you have true and remarkable insight and if you ever did write a book (because I see people all the time telling you you should) I would buy several copies to give out!
Thank you
Last edited by Lost14; 04/29/1507:55 PM.
M 44 W 44 Married 2007 T-8 years M-7 years 1 stepson (now age 16) BD October 2014 I moved out Feb 2015 Divorce final ....(4-27-15)
I was bacially asking how, with their eyes and ears, espcially if those eyes and ears are tuned into someone else that is sitting on the greener grass. I understand what you are saying and I know my questions (some....especially that one) are out of desperation and despair. I need to take a deep breath and realize that it is over....as of 4-27-15 it was final. Now I just need to move forward from there as the buildup to that date has come and gone.
The reason I asked that question is I have been implementing the techniques from the beginning and more as I learned. I have been gone since early February and had little to no contact. She blocked me from Facebook (which in some respects is a good thing cause it prevents snooping and spying and any pain associated with seeing her in any post that might include someone else.) But she has not made any attempts to see me, see how I am doing, reconnect....hell anything! Thats why I questioned this. I GET that I am making the changes for me so that I am better for me and so that I dont take stuff into another relationship or, if lucky, back into the old one. I can't lie and tell you that I don't want to make the changes for her either or also. She's worth me not being pissed off and she has every right to be mad too. Thats the angle I am looking at it from. Not trying to be hard headed and I get what you are saying. Thank you sir
Last edited by Lost14; 04/29/1508:05 PM.
M 44 W 44 Married 2007 T-8 years M-7 years 1 stepson (now age 16) BD October 2014 I moved out Feb 2015 Divorce final ....(4-27-15)
Mozza, I took your advice and switched my username (I think) and it is waiting for administrator approval. Hopefully it wont cause me to get lost to everyone that has been contributing. I am now XFit14....it wouldnt give me enough spaces to do crossfit....I tried. :-)
I do agree that I am lucky. I have only been on here a few days and from all the time I spent reading I know who the Vets are and I appreciate the time and effort they are putting in to give me advice and support. Yourself included!
I started reading your situation last night and had to be out the door early early this morning and was exhausted last night so I will finish it when I get home this evening. I am sorry to hear you had a somewhat similar situation. I have seen so much pain and suffering and loss in the jobs I have had throughout my life and in the career I am currently in. That being said, I dont understand how family (be it direct or by marriage) can do what they do to each other sometimes. I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that my father in law SUED his own daughter for custody of HER son....multiple times as well as lied and made false accusations and complaints against his son in law in attempts to get him (me) fired which would affect the livlihood of his grandson! Who DOES something like that??? ( I am not looking for an answer on that it was rhetorical)
I am working on myself and have been since day one. I have always considered myself a work in progress and this whoile mess has just been a giant eye opener on one of the major things (harboring and dispersion of anger) that I need to work on. I need to learn to focus on the important things in a relationship rather than what I did and to let things go that arent going to matter in ten years (or less or more). I have been saying for months that this isnt a total bad thing in that it woke me the hell up as to my negative attitude and how I was allowing someone else's actions to affect my actions within my family, friends and job. I would have preferred the end result to be different but it is over and done (divorce).....but I still have hope or I am trying to
Last edited by Lost14; 04/29/1508:18 PM.
M 44 W 44 Married 2007 T-8 years M-7 years 1 stepson (now age 16) BD October 2014 I moved out Feb 2015 Divorce final ....(4-27-15)
I have been saying for months that this isnt a total bad thing in that it woke me the hell up as to my negative attitude and how I was allowing someone else's actions to affect my actions within my family, friends and job. I would have preferred the end result to be different but it is over and done (divorce).....but I still have hope or I am trying to
It's a rough thing realizing how your behaviors got in the way of something good. Remember, forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.
I can certainly understand the not sleeping part. I've been on a heck of rollercoaster myself. I have a ways to go yet to my BD.
How she'll know is the interactions with your Step Son. He'll tell her some of what you do and your interactions with him. It's possible to move a mountain 1 shovel full at a time... but it takes time.
At the very least and if nothing else happens, you might be instrumental is helping your step son to find his way in life; a different male perspective besides your FIL. That alone is worth a lot... regardless of your M.
Focus on what you have and put your love into that. For me it's my 7 year old son.
Anyway... just some random thoughts.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
she has not made any attempts to see me, see how I am doing, reconnect....hell anything! Thats why I questioned this.
I would be shocked if she had, tbh. As you may have already read this is a marathon not a sprint. Sometimes the WAS/MLC'er vanishes and does not resurface for quite a long time. I think you might be asking is when you should give up HOPE.
And I would say that is a highly personal decision. Hope is something that we can keep within us, WE get to decide when we want to stop standing.
One of the other axioms that I firmly believe in is that the LBS gets to decide in the end, and for those of us who have not yet gotten to decide yet, it is not yet - THE END!
Shermann, Thanks for posting. I'm sorry you are going through this also. I'm not going to get into more of my situation right this second in regards to what you posted being that I am at work but I appreciate what you said. (I have an adoiption story but I will leave that for later) I agree with what you said about my step son also. If I can accomplish nothing else but to be a positive influence on him as he continues into adulthood (and hopefully after that) then I am ahead of the game. We have a history. Just the other day when we were coming back from riding he said it felt weird not having us all together. He is 16 so even that coming from him is a positive because he and his mom are VERY close. Extremely!! I envy their relationship (it is very special) and I know he wont say or do anything to hurt her or make her look bad....even to me. He is protective and he also doesnt want to get in the middle (his words) and I get that.
I'm doing the best I can to give him what he needs without it feeling forced, false or faked. Baby steps to a certain degree. Kids are like dogs....they can smell BS or badguys from a mile away. He knows I am not a bad guy and I would never physically hurt him or his mom. He knows (now) what all happened and why I kind of 'checked out' on being a better step dad. He gets it...doesn't mean he likes it. I feel guilty beyond words for not stepping up, for allowing the anger to get in the way of bonding more with him and for not going forward and adopting him. I don't know if I can ever effectively explain what was going through my head during this time. I have said it before and I will again. . . I never thought marriage was going to be a huge battle with my inlaws...sometimes daily with police involvment and courts and plain blatant hate! My setp son was collateral damage and shouldn't have been. Him and my wife (I believe) were a gift from God to me and I allowed anger to get in the way of that. I have so much to make up for (if even possible) because I WISH I had even a snippet of the relationshiop he has with his mom. Even now at 16, he will leave the room and as he is leaving he will say "love you" to his mom. He will come back into the room ten seconds later because he forgot something and as he is leaving again will say, "Love you" to his mom again. Way cool!! And I missed out on that by being a jacka$$ and being mad about the situation (bad or not) with her father. I kick myself every single day !! So, that is another thing that SHE has to be upset with me about and why she says, "Why are you trying now?"
Well why not now? (Or am I wrong?) Am I just pushing her further away or doing more damage or getting in the way of her and my step son bonding with the new guy. Just in case any of you wonder.....my step son is an awesome kid. Well mannered, good grades, works out, good head on his shoulders....he is growing into and is going to be an extraordinary man! And in case anyone is wondering (and he knows this....now) I DO LOVE HIM.....I did a poor job of expressing that during our marriage (not easy for me to say but tis the cold hard truth)
Last edited by Lost14; 04/29/1509:23 PM.
M 44 W 44 Married 2007 T-8 years M-7 years 1 stepson (now age 16) BD October 2014 I moved out Feb 2015 Divorce final ....(4-27-15)
OK I am home now and have some time to devote to the post you left me without distractions and being embarrassed if I tear up somewhat. Again, Don't worry about the timing thing. I was a first, like you said, and didn't really follow the norm with how people typically post so I was putting the cart before the horse and asking questions that made it sound as if I was not going to stick around if I didn't like the answers or that I wasn't going to do the basic work such as read the books. Not true but I can see where you were coming from. We are good!
Yes my history with girlfriends is.....less than ideal. I don't know what it is. I don't pick badly. Im not looking to 'fix' someone or save them. What I mean is I don't go looking for a problem and then am shocked when something happens. The women I have dated, and the one I married, are strong, independent, equal partners along with all the other attributes one looks for in a partner. Several years ago I have one fake cancer....yes cancer ...so she could drive to Vegas once a week to get Chemo and radiation and stay the night because she was too sick to drive. She was seeing a LVMPD guy rather than going to cancer treatments. I don't get it and I can tell you it is very hard .....especially now with my recent divorce....NOT to take it as it has something or everything to do with....me!
I am sorry you went through the mother in law thing. As I said in a post earlier today...I don't understand what motivates people to do some of the things they do to each other. But, beyond that, to do those things to another family member.....who are these people and what is wrong with them. I truly hope Karma is alive and kicking. Yes the problems with us came from outside the marriage as we had very little problems between us (everyone argues at times but the father in law thing was like a festering wound that just would not heal and was getting more and more infected and spreading. And spread it did and infected my whole life!
You are correct. Our dream house is sold and we have both bought and moved into other houses. We did our taxes, split money, divided bills and the only contact (and this is very minimal) is through my stepson. I agree with you that I have a LOT to be angry about but why continue? The divorce is final and she is gone. As far as I can tell from the brief conversation I have had with my stepson and the fact that the same truck has been at her house several times I am pretty sure she has a new boyfriend even if my stepson wont come right out and say it. He is being evasive to spare my feelings I am sure. I am not asking a lot of questions because I don't really want to know and I don't want to put him in the middle. But I am also not an idiot and I can put two and two together. I agree that bitterness is like a cancer and I allowed that to do enough damage already in my marriage and with my stepson. I AM a good man and I was lost for a while amidst the anger and feeling my wife pull away because of it caused more anger and that, of course, didn't help. I am doing, and have done, a lot to change that. This has been a huge eye opener for me in how I was acting and what is important and what isn't. Too late??? To save my marriage yes....but maybe not for the next relationship and maybe, if she ever takes the time to look, for my ex and I. IDK.....
The girls gone wild thing is one of the things that hurts the most. No one cares about what you did (relationship wise or even sexually (most times) PRIOR to marriage. But during and after....it matters. I am trying to look at it as we are done and over and if she gets involved with someone(s) there is nothing I can say about it. I don't believe she cheated on me while we were married but I think she figured that with the divorce pending and the fact that we were living separately that it was ok to start another relationship. I don't know how to feel about that . . . . From her perspective....she was done with our marriage and the divorce date was just an inconvenient last thing that needed to be done. Mentally, emotionally she was already gone since October 2014 and physically since shortly thereafter. I love her for many reasons and I have read and re-read and re-read again your WW and WAW post. I also read this post several times because you seem to have a very insightful look into this and I know it is from a unique perspective. You get where she is coming from to a certain degree. I agree that when she gets done (if ever) with playing the grass is greener game or GGW...that I may not want her back. IDK..... time will tell.
You nailed the guilt right on the head. I feel guilty for not being a better husband, for not realizing that I was pushing her further and further away and basically into the arms of someone else who wasn't mad, didn't have a negative attitude and didn't have drama with her parents. I let her down by not being a better step father to my step son. I feel SO guilty for that. And I know she is filled with guilt about the miscarriages. I have never ever thrown that in her face. It is no ones fault but it does sting. We would be amazing parents. She I an amazing mom with my step son and he has turned out to be an awesome kid that is turning into a phenomenal adult. It hurts even more because every day in my job I see kids living in horrible situations with parents that could care less. They seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and then fail to take care of and love those kids. We begged for the opportunity and prayed and tried and ......three miscarriages. Something else I just ...don't get.
I don't know if I am categorizing this as an affair since I believe that, in her mind at least, we were done so ....why not pursue the next ( I actually found out that her friend, who is also supposed to be my friend, introduced her to the guy she is seeing currently....cool!). I agree with you....she was sad at the relationship with her parents, the state our marriage was in due to my anger and my negative attitude. She wanted away from that and who can blame her? Another thing NOT in my favor is that she has been married twice before and (I don't know all the particulars) she has recovered from those and moved on. So she KNOWS she can make it through and of course it is much easier when YOU make the decision and when YOU have someone else to run to or that is interested in you. It takes away the sting when you feel....desirable to someone. I also agree with the three things you said she is probably feeling. I know she is blaming me...she flat out said I killed our marriage. Why would she EVER want to come back??? (Sorry feeling sorry for myself briefly). I know that love doesn't just stop....it gets suppressed under a lot of other things. You don't choose who your heart decides to love....you can decide not to follow that or make a conscious decision not to pursue or go back to something that is bad...but those feelings are there. I hope that at some point they will resurface in time. I hope that she DID love me because I have had doubts, which of course were caused when she was pulling away due to my anger....the perpetual circle of doom.
So that is where I am right now. It is day 2 of my divorced life. Yesterday I was a MESS....an absolute wreck. As embarrassing as it is for me to admit...I don't think I have ever cried like that. Sobbing uncontrollably is a better description. .... wow.....
LOL I'm not even sure what to do or write now. I know to work on me, to GAL, to be positive, to work on me.....and that time and patience are two things I am going to be very acquainted with. Comments ? suggestions? questions? I feel .....dead inside and then I ache like crazy when I think of her with someone else.
M 44 W 44 Married 2007 T-8 years M-7 years 1 stepson (now age 16) BD October 2014 I moved out Feb 2015 Divorce final ....(4-27-15)
