Zelda - hang me up to dry

[Zelda09]

I'll let you know tonight after I find out.

I thought I was done hurting and here I sit again crying, wondering how he could have done this if he loved me. It's like a bottomless pit of grief. I feel so incredibly used and thrown away like I was worth nothing to him. He was everything to me.

3 years I stood by him while he was growing bones back together. The way he pushed me away last year. Only to come back (appease friends and family who told him to work for his M?) the pretty things he said, only to erupt like he did. Did the DR work I did make a difference at all or had he planned to 'escape' (his word for that trip, not mine) so he could come home and appease me until he could leave for good?

Before he came back he voiced concern over living together when he came back into town, "IDK Z, if I can't handle something and I blow up, that's it for our M." He saw himself doing this. He meant to scare me that night. They say intimidation is never about lack of control. No remorse. Day he picked that check up he was happy to D. Started driving and functioning again the day after that. Limp disappeared, he left his cane at home before he moved out. Wasn't using it when we met at breakfast. 2 weeks later, just happy to be out living his life he said.

Will he ever regret or think of anything?
Does Cymbalta/Oxy/ambien explain this?

You guys have said I'm demonizing him but everything I believed in about his kindness and who he was, his depth, and how he adored me and loved people - like it was dry erased and he let me see what was under it, without the slightest feeling or emotion in any direction.

My friend says the base of recovery is understanding that love is a drug, there was nothing special in falling for a tall 'mysterious' garden variety ahole. No more romanticizing him or the past. Forget all the seemingly kind and wonderful parts of him. He carried a strange darkness and it reared its ugly head, she said it's not about you, Z.

But I think that is what I struggle with today. His actions were his, his choices had nothing to do with me...I wasn't consequential in any way to him in the end.

I keep tapping, yes, yes, I love and accept myself...I think it is actually working thst Eft stuff, but this still blows my mind, every bit of it.