Man, was my timing bad! I don't know what happened, but you had not posted any of your story when I wrote that reply. Anyway, I nearly lost my breath when you said you were divorced yesterday!
Your history with girlfriends is sad.....and so unfair. It must not be an uncommon experience, b/c I know of some other men who say about the same thing. They are not bad looking, and they treat the girls like any lady would want to be treated. In their case, and I bet with you too, it's not them....it's the girls. Don't give up and don't blame yourself into believing something's wrong with you.
Believe it or not, I can identify partly with your source of anger. I had a MIL who did everything in her power to take my place with my D. There is more to that story, but it definitely had a negative impact on my relationship with my child, as well as with my H. If it had not been for my MIL, I believe my marital history would have been very different. And, that's what is so tragic in your story, also. The problems seem to come from outside the M, instead of between the two of you.
Unfortunately, it appears she has now taken the wayward highway. Your step-son may be the only link between you and XW. Right now, you are doing exactly what you need to do for a time. Stay dark and take care of yourself. Continue getting therapy is important, and I'll tell you why, Lost14. You have a lot to be angry about, and it could result in destroying a good man. Bitterness is like a cancer, and I hope you will do whatever it takes to get rid of it and to heal. That is the best gift you can give yourself and to those who love you. Okay?
She is going to need time to play the girls-gone-wild part for a while. She may go through more than one guy, IDK. You man not even want her back, by the time she gets done. Even though she probably needs counseling as much, if not more than you, it will do no good for you to try to convince her to go. Just stay out of the way and let her burn the candle at both ends, if that's what she decides to do. It will be difficult, b/c you still love her, but she needs to have a span of time without you in her life. Then at some point, the opportunity will present itself where she either runs into you, calls you, or sees you when you get step-son. If the timing is right, it could trigger a spark of old feelings in her. (And later we can discuss how you would respond.) That doesn't mean it fixes things, but given space & time...it can start to do a lot of positive work in these situations. In the meantime, you being out of the picture, allows her that space & time to where you are not necessarily her target to blame with unhappiness.
People handle sorrow, disappointment, and stress differently. With you, it was turned into anger and it overtook your MR, as well as the rest of your life. She went through the same experiences as you did, and maybe even dealt with more from an emotional side of things. It was her own father who was acting like a maniac. Her son was being affected, as well as the H she loved. When you went around angry all the time, I would think it made her feel even worse. She must have felt torn, not to mention the guilt.
Speaking of guilt, I would also think she felt pretty guilty that she couldn't give you children. Miscarriages are very emotional on a woman. Disappointment, grief, and guilt. I am sure you shared those feelings, as well. I am truly sorry for what you both went through.
I don't know how much of her behavior may be the result of all she's gone through. I think many women begin affairs out of sadness, looking for an escape from their present reality. She must have had times when almost anything would have looked a little bit greener than where she was standing.
I believe there are at least three things living in the heart of a WW. Resentment, rebellion, and loss of respect. How long will it take for them to leave her heart? I don't know, but I know it is possible. I know that much!
DBing is about saving yourself, first. I don't know that there was another WW at the time I came on board. I was a pretty hot mess when I arrived. Most all the advice is geared toward the LBS, so here I was the one who was the wayward spouse. Well, thankfully, the wonderful board members did not take out their own hurt on me, and gave me the tools I needed to get on the right road again. So, if it can help me, I believe you can get the support you so desperately need.
Remember, save yourself first.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
