I know there are no guarantees but.....

[XFit14]

Morning Cadet,

I got your message last night but where I am in the states it was pretty late and I was exhausted. As I am sure you can attest to...sleeping has been difficult. I don't sleep well as it is sometimes and this has just made it worse. Monday night I didn't hardly sleep at all and last night wasn't much better.
I am at work now but now that I am here....it is the last place I want to be.
I come in before everyone else ususlly (it's 0500 here now) so I have some alone time to drink coffee and think and write.
I read what you wrote a few times so I could digest it and respond.
I get that this is all going to feel discombobulated (IDK if I spelled that one right or not but it felt like the appropriate word) and counter intuitive.
I WANT to grab her and shake her and scream WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?
I want to try to make her see that she is walking away (or has walked away) from something that is very salvageable. MWD said something in her book, (and I am loosely interpreting because I can't find the page right this second) that once the husband finds out what he was doing to cause the problems in the marriage if the wife would stick around she would see amazing changes.
I don't believe we had a bad marriage per se.
We had a huge obstacle (my father in law and my anger at the situation) that would not quit trying to crush us and unfortunately he won.
I, again, have tried looking at this from her perspective.....if I could start a relationshiop with someone new that wasn't angry and didn't have any old or new drama with my (her)parents (and probably wont because they wont have to deal with any of those issues now that my son is older and making his own decisions on when he wants to visit and when he doesnt want to see C).
ON that note would the grass look greener.....well hell yeah it would. But I took vows and I took them very seriously which is the other reason I waited til I was 37 to get married. I, like the rest of you I am sure, only wanted to do this once with the person that takes our breath away and that we can NOT wait to see at the end of the day.

I am trying to trust the process Cadet.
I was doing pretty well with all of it until Monday.
I was a WRECK all day yesterday but it is not something that she witnessed or will ever know about so I dont believe I backslid in that area.
I was asked in an earlier post if I still had contact with my son (step son) and yes I do.
Mostly by text and I try to see him at least once a week.
She has yet to be around when I have picked him up (she was home but didn't come outside and the new guy was there).
I have written before that she (and my son) have questioned why I am making such an effort now when I didnt during the marriage to have a better relationship with my son. (Please ....this makes me sound so horrible so if you are reading this post and dont have the backstory go back and read that because it will shine a lot of light on what I mean by those statements before someone remarks on it) I have explained to them both (separately) and to my son in a huge letter a month or so ago.
He gets it and has opened up more to me continuing to be in his life even though his mom and I arent together anymore (since this past Monday legally and since the first week of Feb 2015 physically).
In terms of my ex....I don't know if maintaining that contact with him (step son) is a good idea or not??
Does it make me readily available to her or make her mad because I am doing now what I should have been doing all along?
Should I continue and if I do does it negate the going dark process? Or does she even care one way or the other because now I know there is someone else she is seeing.
I'm pretty sure I am going to be told that I need to do what makes me happy and not worry about what she says, thinks or does and I get that.
But the fear of all of us Left Behind is that we will do something that will further push our ex's, or soon to be ex's, away or that they will never see the work we are doing to change and become the guy / gal they originally fell in love with.
I KNOW I checked out for a while....this has been a HUGE and much needed eye opener to me on how my negative attitude towards life and being angry was affecting everything....my work, my family life, my marriage and relationships with my own family. I get it and I have done a complete 180.
I am rambling but what I am getting at is I am trying to trust the process.

The quote from MLC is a good one. I believe I am a 'catch'. (I dont right this second but in general I do)I have worked hard to attain the career I have, I have survived some close calls and come out on top.
Financially I am in decent shape and not over extended. I work out and am in great physical shape (in general and defintiely for my age) and this year (2014) I finally took steps to improve my smile which is a big deal.
I have not been very proud of my smile in a long time so I dont smile very often.
It is so much better now!!! Braces are still on but it is 100% improved!! I dont think she liked to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss her because of it (just a guess). I think I AM a person that only a fool would leave which is one of the reasons I am having such a hard time with her leaving and moving on to someone else so quickly...

Cadet.....I know I need that smack with the 2 x 4 but HOW do they see the changes??

She has only seen me one time physically in more than a month and that was at our divorce on Monday.
I am NOT hard headed, dense or thick.....I know you said this is a process and that this is going to take time (i get it) that there is no magic button (I know) and that things will feel totally the opposite of what I want to do (I understand that).
I also get that I am not changing FOR her.....I am changing FOR ME and if she gets to reep the benefits from it then so much the better. What I am struggling with is how will she ever know . . . .

Your last question on do I even know where I am right now??
I dont know if I understand that. If I had to answer just at face value.....I am in limbo to a certina extent in that I don't know which way to turn.
I know there is nothing I can physically do to change her mind and showing up on her doorstpe, crying, begging, pleading (Which I have done none of) will not work and will only make myself look foolish and less desirable.
I wont lie that I want to send cards and flowers and love notes and all that stuff telling her to give this a shot and we can make it work.
I havent and wont.
Like I said at the start of this.....I was doing ok emotionally during this whole process until Monday.
Now that it is officially over and I know she has someone else and it seemed like it was just no big deal (she even wanted to wait at the court for the paper work to get copied rather than just get it in the mail.
Almost as if she wanted to have the proof with her that it was over (Speculation)) and I am cheerfully waiting with her asking questions about her new house and the dog and talking about our son and inside ...I am DYING!

So....to answer that question ...NO I dont know where I am right now