The end

[mustardseed]

I talked to my lawyer. I am so stuck right now. I can't leave, if I take the kids he could twist it, if I leave the kids he could twist it (and I don't want to do that). I can't resign from my position even though I was told that they wanted to give me a good recommendation and want to give me the opportunity to resign so I don't have to be let go. However, he could twist that and leave me screwed with child support. That means I need to survive to the end of the year, and every day that feels harder and harder to do. I don't know if it medication side effects or medication not kicked in yet, but I wake up in a panic every night, and I feel sick and lightheaded every morning. After lunch things start to settle, but the mornings are much more stressful at work.I want to take a mental health day, but there are some things coming up that I need to prepare for and I don't want to leave my assistants with the burden--even though I am certain they are bitching about me to other people. I know I am a poor manager--and their year is difficult due to the difficult class and poor leadership on my part. If I could I would quit today.

I hate the feeling of being stuck. Anything that I think would ease my stress is in a holding pattern right now. And I realize that going dark is no longer something I need to do as a DB technique but as a sanity technique. I am pretty sure his entire purpose is to make me feel as insecure as possible because he can twist it. I started going back to the alanon meetings. And I have IC today after work--but I don't feel like that is helping, I feel like she is feeding into my thoughts rather than trying to give me tools to change them.

How did he come to hate me so much? I guess the good news is that I absolutely know that I don't like or love him at all anymore. I just need to get a clear enough head to figure out what is best for my kids and me.