hold on! - 9

[PeterV2]

Your needs don't have to mesh. Everyone has their own needs. The question is can each of you meet the other's needs.

No forgiveness and trust are not the same think. Forgiveness is for you. So you can move beyond the hurt - it's closer to detaching.

Trust is something that once broken takes time to rebuild. My IC said to me that there'll come a time when I will have to ask W what her plans are to rebuild the trust. I asked that over a year ago but my timing was bad - I asked it just after I accused her of lying, which occurred right after she told me a whopper.

You could tell her that in order to move this process along, that you need to figure out a way to start rebuilding the trust, and ask her if she can think of any ways that could be achieved. If it's her idea, she may be more into working it. Just a thought.

[u-turn]

I'm really not sure that we can meet each other's needs - probably not at the moment.

I have always forgiven easily - We all make mistakes - I've made some great ones. If not for forgiveness we would all go around despising each other for the imperfections. We can take joy in other's imperfections and our own.

But - I don't understand how forgiveness works if the other person will not stop hurting you.

Thanks for the rewording of re-building trust thing. I have thought about trying to see what her idea is - she has just said, "I don't know" in the past with things like this.

Thanks Peter

[PeterV2]

When she says "I don't know" then she's lobbed it into your court. Make a suggestion: If you were to show me your phone every day that would help in the process.

[u-turn]

As it is the weekend again and I unwind, I start thinking. I start getting antsy and want this all to move in a defined direction.

I had a decent session with the IC mid-week. I did ask her where this is going (me and IC). I feel like I am just talking for an hour and not really getting much out of it. She feels differently and pointed out that I am sleeping better, I am focusing on my work, I have identified my suicidal thoughts, I have begun to see that my harsh self judgement has created much of my self confidence issues. (oh and I have still had a crap year).

I agree with these things. So I will continue - she said we are going to try some different things next week.

I am getting antsy again though - this trust issue is really eating away at me - this is turning out to be an enormous issue for me and without me being proactive and pushing for some kind of active plan, some kind of movement, I am afraid all of this is pointless. I still feel like there is much being hidden from me and I know that I don't have anything to hide so I don't hide anything.

I have asked W to talk with me this week, but she won't give me the time.

another thing that I have realized, and maybe I am getting this wrong, overall I like myself - I like how I am, I do good things, I help people, I take care of things, and this has worked for me for a long time now. I don't think I am perfect, and know there are improvements that I would like to make, but I never really want to change into a person that I am not. If I cannot be loved for who I am - so be it. I have felt like I am not loved for who I am - I was replaced, and I do not want to become more like OM - This type of person is someone I would not get along with if I were in a room with him, why would I want to become more like him?

This is frustrating though and it takes away my hope. If W wants me to be more like him, I don't know if any kind of R is going to happen.

W & I have not spoken to each other (besides hi & bye and kid issues) for a long time, not since her question on Monday morning. I have not re-opened that interaction though. - maybe I should.

[JellyB]

Morning U! Yes my weekend has started too and thoughts about ex and how he is going to be spending time with his new girlfriend, and the thoughts and feelings start to overwhelme me, and then I start thinking about who is thinking about me and how I am spending my weekend, gosh I'm not even thinking about me and my own weekend! Crazy behaviour. Back to earth! Anyway little hyjack vent there.

I have been thinking about you a lot this week after sharing a virtual tipple with you! Cheers and thank you for the bday toast, lovely to share it with you. You are a person I would like to meet. I feel like we share a lot of the same internal struggles, self judgement is definitely one of mine.I have been thinking of your feelings of stuckness with this issue of trust with your wife. I don't trust very easily at the best of times, so when i give it, it is Big deal to me, so I am feeling your pain. I have no wisdom here for you, only my support. If you are down my way stop in for a chat and cuppa, I'm sure we could solve our own and worlds problems no time.

[Vanilla]

Peter and U turn, my take on the 'meeting the needs issue' is very different.

No other full adult is here to meet anothers needs. We are here for our higher power, to learn to fulfill our own needs. To be the best we can be for ourselves to give to others is an option not a need. We have no expectations when we give as we do that for free.

We are here for ourselves to:
To Connect to our feelings, all of them including those we consider negative
To be sensitive to ourselves and others and their feelings, to be aware
To be present and mindful in our lives and work
To relax to be present in our lives
To interact with others as positively as we can
To be kind and prevent harm
To cherish ourselves and let others free to be themselves
To be ourselves in or out of an R
To be vulnerable
To commit to ourselves
To be independent and free of spirit
To look after ourselves with extreme care

Let other adults carry out that job for themselves. Being for ourselves is enough work for one lifetime.

V

[Vanilla]

Sorry fat finger syndrome again, posted too soon.


Similarly no other person can 'hurt you' without your consent. They can physically damage you but not psychologically. So refuse consent.

Let W control W and you control you.

V

[JellyB]

You are such a blessing to this forum V. Thank you XX

[Vanilla]

Welcome Jb, we are here to share and it helps with my learning and growth a great deal to share.

V

[JellyB]

Some Days V I want to get on a plane and visit with you and sit and drink tea and wine and eat cheeeeeese and just immerse myself in the presence of you so a little bit of you will rub off. I want to run around in the corners of your mind, taking little gems of insight and inspiration to bring back here to little old NZ, so I can have them we me always. Sounds very selfish when I say it out loud like that.

One of my good friends is 6 years clean through the fellowship of NA. I was invited to her 1st Birthday and have been to some other meetings with her since. I enjoy my friends company very much and love the wisdom she brings to my from her years in NA and watching her live her life working daily in her recovery is amazing.

Your kind words and wisdom remind me of her and the work she has done, and the work I still have to do around certain issues in my life! Today I was so happy to read your words to U-Turn, they provided me with the inspiration I needed just at the right time. Thank you again for your fellowship here!

X JB