Lost & confused

[Clairee]

I'm still here. Reading & drawing strength from others who are going through what I never imagined going through.

I have been very honest with H that as much as I want to believe everything he says, I don't because of the lies & coverups. H says he understands & that he caused that. He has gone to see a counselor & during that session the counselor asked him why I didn't leave. He had no idea. So it's making him at least think. He has apologized more times than I can keep up with & I hope he really means it. He agreed to the boundaries I set...no contact with OW or her family. No drinking. To tell me the full truth about everything. And to apologize to our friends he put in an awful position of feeling they needed to protect me & tell me. He did all of that but I'm still stuck on if he's telling me the whole truth. Being in 2 different states & not being able to see his eyes & body language makes it impossible for me to believe. I'm flying to where he is next month. I'm hoping face to face I will find that answer.

Today I opened the door to a flower delivery. He hasn't given me flowers since our youngest was born 12 years ago. I was completely shocked. It really isn't like him to spend money on flowers or even think about doing that. The card said he loved me & would do everything he could so I never forgot that. It was sweet & complete surprise.

I'm worried about the trip. I have told him about the images in my head I can't shake about him & OW. I have been totally honest with my concerns. I'm afraid he'll take it that everything is peachy & forgiven when that isn't anywhere near the truth. He says he knows that & knows this is a very long road.

I wish I could be more confident in his actions. Seeing a counselor I know is hard for him & way outside his comfort zone. I have my own counselor although I'm not entirely sure she's right for me. Last session she almost seemed hostile that I talked to him on the phone before he had seen a counselor. I have another appointment this week & if I feel the same hostility, I think its time for someone new. Because I have decided 18 years together with more good years than bad is worth trying to forgive & repair. And I do love him, we have been happy & pray we can be again.