It's a nightmare. Wake me up 2

[25yearsmlc]

My guts tell me, that an OM is somewhere and that she is looking for reasons to justify the D. Should I think about this sitch more or should I be less conversational the next time?

You know Not to do the mind reading, but now you are asking us to interpret and mind read, for you. That's not helpful. You have mentioned in numerous places that you were not reliable in the marriage, that you could not make decisions on your own and were codependent, and that you were not the "captain of the ship" and the ship went in no direction.

Now, you seem to have decided that "there must be an OM somewhere".

uh, Maybe, but here are 2 comments.

1) It is very rare for a married woman with children, to leave a marriages - unless there are serious issues within the marriage; And

In your case you have already admitted that there were some big issues inside the marriage;

2) So why would you now spend your energy on what you do NOT know, when you can spend your energy on changing yourself?

There will be a few people here who insist you should snoop. DBing does NOT support that, but I won't say there is zero validity to it.

I just think you have a lot of work you can do that would put the focus on yourself, where it can do some real good, and you are all you can change.

IF you believe that an affair would absolutely end your marriage, then there Might be a reason to snoop but

if you are prepared to make the change anyhow, and an affair is not an absolute deal breaker,

why not keep the focus on where it will have the most/only effect; Yourself??

Sometimes there are LBSers who really start to dig deep and look within, and they begin the road toward overhauling the way they have been interacting, they start to become the people they were meant to become,

when suddenly they decide or discover that an affair is likely -- and then suddenly,

they decide they were great spouses! They have nothing to work on.

Gee, now It's ALL about the OM/OW and then, the growth and self improvement just comes to a screeching halt.

That's a tragedy. I realize it is easier to blame others for the problems that belong on our own shoulders; God knows it's a lot easier. But it's not likely to lead to a reconciliation and it prevents deep inward searches and growth. Those are some of the goals of DBing.

Put the focus back on you. Stop the mind reading, be polite and follow the "rules" (not so much rules as guidelines. If a few don't apply to your situation, then don't apply them. Use your common sense and then stick to the ones that you know help)


Tough love? Any concrete ideas for upcoming conversations?

Not sure what you mean by "tough love". You said you won't move out. So don't. No need for more WORDS. You said earlier that you talk too much.

Maybe that's true so maybe a noticeable change for your wife to see, would be for you to say Less, and Do more (or react Less).

Do you get that?

Should I care about my guts?

By this,^^ do you mean should you A:) Mind read; and then: B) Act based on your assumptions?

In my opinion, NO to both.

That I think she is not honest to me and just wants me to help her to end this M without a lot of trouble?

No, again for two reasons. You are confusing your FEARS with knowledge and they are not the same.

Second, even if your unproved fears are reality, that she "just wants" you to "help her end this marriage without a lot of trouble"

What would you do about that? Stomp and yell? Cry and plead? Bully her?

What effective difference would any of that make? Behave, always, with dignity and you will have far fewer regrets. Keep working on yourself and

Protect your legal interests and act with the calm confidence of a man who is doing what he beleves is right and who knows that sometimes, that knowledge is enough.

That others do NOT have to agree with him for him to stay the course. Be a man who does not take polls to guide his inner choices.

Am I too dumb to understand her POV? If she is not honest to me, I have no desire to talk to her again.

You may never know if she is being honest with you. But know this.

Her feelings may be confusing TO HER. And they will change, so what she says one day may be what she feels at that moment in time

but change the next day/week/month. And there will be times she is not sure, so she may say something only partly true OR she may want to protect your heart

or hurt you, and say something she knows that is not true in that moment.

But, don't we all have those moments? It's not like she's perjuring herself in court and swearing that the marriage was "always a lie".

You need to learn that we ALL have ambiguity in our lives (it's inherent in life) and in our marriages b/c our spouses can change, or die,l

and tomorrow is promised to no one. The key here is to learn to live with that ambiguity and maybe learn to embrace it.

When we operate in Fear, we are Not operating in Faith.