Trying to Follow DB & DR (3)

[Miman2]

Thanks Zelda, that makes a lot of sense.

Journaling:

So I'm out of town on a job interview. Just stepping in the airport was depressing because we were supposed to go on vacation together before BD, and it brought up thoughts of her going on that vacation without me.

The interview in a much smaller town that I'm used to. That in itself feels really depressing (it might be because I forgot to take my meds this morning, maybe not) and I felt really lost without my W. When I got here, I wanted SO badly to call her and tell her I miss her.

I called my mom and she started yelling at me that I could handle this interview and where was the strong young man she used to know. I had to hang up, I couldn't take the judgement of feeling how I was feeling. It's not a matter of me thinking that I'm not able to do it, I feel like I don't want to go through this process without my W and her support.

I feel this is a step in a direction without the W and that I'm not ready to take such a step, and it's just an interview and not even anywhere near an offer yet. :-/

I called a friend afterwards talk to and try to not call the W. I eventually mentioned how the W was saying she didn't have a whole lot of money left after bills, and how when I asked if she was spending her money on the OC or on hotels visiting the OC she said she wasn't. He mentioned that a mutual friend saw her and the OW at a lifestyle party this past weekend.

That got me pretty upset.

My friend helped talk me down from being upset about it. I eventually got to the point where I figured it's in the past, there's nothing I can do about it and she's going to do whatever she wants to do.

The only concern I should have is when she's ready to work things out. (I say when and not if to keep up pma.) From that point on then whatever it is she's been doing during this time apart and before that is forgiven and forgotten. From that point on we're concentrating on working on us and moving forward together.

That's the goal. To get to that point. Until then it's taking one day at a time and concentrating on me.

I went to a CoDA meeting last night. It was... interesting. Not at all what I had expected I guess. I feel like I'm in this weird limbo after reading Codependent No More and starting with this group, because I feel that while I'm familiar with the text I'm looking for more direction on implementation. Time will tell if it's an effective thing to continue going to. If nothing else it's a group to draw more examples from.

I'm a little hurt that she didn't call to arrange lunch/dinner plans like she said she would. I think I understand her not doing so. Although I'm afraid she's still waiting for me to reach out to her first. She definitely seemed to be inquiring and hinting to things going in that direction.